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June 14th, 2002, 02:54 PM
Or rather the first chapter of something I am working on.....

Have a look folks and tell me what you think


June 15th, 2002, 11:47 AM
I really like it but you already know that.


It is a lot tighter than the king's blade, and as such seems to flow along a lot more smoothly. Towards the beginning I have a little trouble differentiating the characters but then that is always something I have trouble with. It rectifies itself soon enough.

The characters are believable and some are likeable and although there are some tongue in cheek episodes they do not in any way detract from the plot, in fact they probably help make reading it fun.

The only thing I do not particularly like is the fight scenes with monsters. It is not that they are not well written, it is just that I never really like fantasy monsters. Give me a good old fashioned evil human any day (or perhaps humanoid...)

I will post more when I have read more.

Keep going Holbrook you have real talent.

Take Care


June 15th, 2002, 12:58 PM
Excellent work.

I can't really offer much advice on this story (chapter) because other than a few tiny grammatical mistakes I thought it was very good. Your writing style and vocabulary usage are wonderful.

A few times I was a bit confused about which character was who; but that's to be expected in a first chapter where everyone must be introduced.

If I could offer one suggestion it would be to include a bit more physical description of the characters' surroundings. You frequently described the characters themselves, but not the location of the action. I would like to read a better description of the ship, the wagons on the ship, the cobblestone streets etc. I'm sure you would do a lovely job and it would help the reader to picture the story better in his or her mind.

I hope that's helpful. Keep up the good work--I look forward to reading the next chapter! :)

June 16th, 2002, 04:46 PM
Thanks,Jacquin, I know you don't like the monsters in the later chapters, but this one has to have monsters....

Miriamele, thank you for the kind words. I am trying :D

As to the description of places, well I could write tonnes and it is driving me mad not doing so. But I am trying hard to do away with huge info dumps in this work and keep the word count down to approx 85,000 words.

I want to give just enough to give the impression of a "wagon train" crossing the "bad lands". To keep the work character driven. It is more the relationship between Jack, Albert and two ladies that is at the heart of the work.

If by the end of the first draft it hasn't worked, I will go back and add bits here and there. Though I don't want the work going over 95,000 words at the most.


June 18th, 2002, 05:22 PM
I've only read the first three pages, but I like it so far. There's a couple spelling mistakes - "lamb" light ? - but we've all done that, haven't we ?
There's intrigue in the "hat man" and his horse - if it is a man. And his balls of iron. And our hero gets given secret orders to visit his superior. Roll on the gadgets, I say ;).

Good stuff. Looking forward to the rest.