[venustar]

Since there are eleven entries and the polls have a maximum of 12, I decided to have one voting thread this month. I hope that doesn't cause a fuss!

You get to vote for three different entries, and we appreciate feedback so please leave some commentary!

Here are your entries:

I Swear I'm Not Drunk (http://www.sffworld.com/forums/showthread.php?t=26449) By TMSO

The Watchmaker's Gift (http://www.sffworld.com/forums/showthread.php?t=26584) By Sterling13

Tsukuyomi (http://www.sffworld.com/forums/showthread.php?p=571261#post571261) By Venustar

The Silent Discotheque of Cabdi Caziz (http://www.sffworld.com/forums/showthread.php?t=26580) By Zachariah

Follow the Money (http://sffworld.com/forums/showthread.php?t=26425) By Hereford Eye


Objects in the Rear View Mirror (http://www.sffworld.com/forums/showthread.php?p=573081#post573081) By Daddy Darth

Dead man walking (http://www.sffworld.com/forums/showthread.php?p=572042#post572042) By Ian Freman

Any Aliens Here? (http://www.sffworld.com/forums/showthread.php?p=572978#post572978) By PogiRunner

The 'Shroom That Came to Sarnath (http://www.sffworld.com/forums/showthread.php?p=572179) By DailyRich

The keys? (http://www.sffworld.com/forums/showthread.php?p=572406#post572406) By Diane

Red Tape (http://www.sffworld.com/forums/showthread.php?p=572369#post572369) By marshwriter

[tmso]

No fuss, Venustar. Until a few months ago, that's all there ever was - just one. :)

[venustar]

Ahh, all I've ever seen is two (or more :p).

[zachariah]

I Swear I'm Not Drunk By TMSO
A lovely, sweet story. I was a little confused about the details of the crash at the end – can’t see how an oak tree can be knocked over by the front of the cab and get under the cab’s wheels to lodge in the space between cab and trailer (the tree would never pass under the cab’s wheels without tipping it over or being broken in pieces).

This is a minor nitpick in a sea of charm. Mucho gusto! Beautiful through and through, though I’d like to have seen an example of the fairy’s work, for completeness, by shortening the first and last scenes to make space.

The Watchmaker's Gift By Sterling13
Just like the subject matter, a finely crafted work of art. A talking, clockwork turtle? Genius.

Tsukuyomi By Venustar
I liked the old-school sci-fi sensibility of this piece. Slightly reminiscent of early Bradbury.

Follow the Money By Hereford Eye
Like the Martini, a little dry for my taste. The numbered lists worked against the flow for me, and the decision to use the bureaucratic language stifled what looked like an interesting set of events that could have provided some compelling characters.

Objects in the Rear View Mirror By Daddy Darth
Shake that AS-55, baby! Not sure what to make of this one – is it EL-17’s story, or Dina’s? The alien in human form appears to be the main character, but then Dina’s POV takes us to a completely different and unrelated conclusion, of sorts. I’m confused.

Dead man walking By Ian Freman
Tmso missed at least a couple more hiccups: “The navy have been”, “seen some aircrafts”. I think these and others are just little signs of a non-native writer, so I’ll be lenient. This time.

You've painted a very vivid picture of this man and his life. My only complaint is the ambiguous ending, and the lack of information on whether the ranger is himself a necrocyborg (which I assumed him to be on first reading, but after another I’m not certain).

Any Aliens Here? By PogiRunner
Well done for entering, welcome to the competition! Have you got your writer’s thick skin on? Here we go.

I’m afraid writing in the third person present tense (“Joe walks to the bar”) sounds major alarm bells in my head. It sounds like you’re eavesdropping on someone telling a story to themselves, rather than to you. This is my personal preference of course, but it’s a majority opinion (you’ll have to look far and wide to find a successful story of any length written like this).

You appear to have come to the same conclusion yourself, as you wobble between tenses for the last few sentences:

They both laughed.

"Do not worry Barry," says Joe. "Someday, humans will accept us."

With that, they both teleported to their home world of Cratzoe.
This is something you’ve really got to watch out for, it can take a reader right off the page.

The lack of contractions makes for stilted, unnatural dialogue in this context. I think this, and a couple of odd word choices indicate a non-native english speaker, so double kudos for entering (I could never hope to write in anything but English).

Keep on writing!

The 'Shroom That Came to Sarnath By DailyRich
Unfortunately for DailyRich, I’m a charter member of the Lovecraft Appreciation Society and I take a very dim view of such liberties as are taken here. Unspeakable terrors await him when the stars are correctly aligned and the society meets to celebrate its blasphemous rites (every other Tuesday at the community centre, new members welcome).

Some very funny lines in there. Good one!

The keys? By Diane
I think the headline was expanded on perhaps a little too literally. I wanted to care about the characters but wasn’t given any reason to do so. The writing was pretty solid, but too much was left to the narrator to tell rather than being shown by the actions and dialogue of the characters.

Red Tape By marshwriter
You’re really good at setting the scene, I was impressed by the sense of place and the authentic voice of the characters. The ending was probably a bit predictable, but that’s no great sin. A satisfying read.

I Swear I’m Not Drunk, The Watchmaker’s Gift and The ‘Shroom That Came to Sarnath get my votes this month. Thanks to everyone for giving me an evening’s entertaining reading!

[tmso]

I was a little confused about the details of the crash at the end – can’t see how an oak tree can be knocked over by the front of the cab and get under the cab’s wheels to lodge in the space between cab and trailer (the tree would never pass under the cab’s wheels without tipping it over or being broken in pieces).

Ah, dear, reality is stranger than fiction. That is what happened. The tree got wedged (somehow) between the cab and the trailer, wrecking even more havoc than he could do with just a truck. ;)

...though I’d like to have seen an example of the fairy’s work, for completeness, by shortening the first and last scenes to make space.

Ah, in my uncut version, she does a lot! But you're right. I emphasized the wrong things - next time. THANKS!

[tmso]

Oh! I voted for the following:
Watchmaker, 'Shroom, and Caziz

EDIT: back sooner than I thought...

I Swear I'm Not Drunk By TMSO (Me!)
I love commenting on my own crap...hmmm, a fat fairy? Where do you get this stuff? Would have liked to see more with the two of 'em in that truck.

The Watchmaker's Gift By Sterling13
I really liked this piece, however, the little turtle speech at the end was a bit heavy handed. Otherwise, a well written tale. Loved the details.

Tsukuyomi By Venustar
There were a couple of spots that I thought needed some attention, but otherwise, well written. My only gripe is that when we find out that he can control a person's mind, I was, like, that's it? All he does is make him think he's stuck on a dusty planet and chops off his head? I don't know, for some reason it was a let down...not sure why. Maybe I've been watching too many action movies with explosions. ;) But, pretty cool with the mind control idea.

The Silent Discotheque of Cabdi Caziz By Zachariah
I really liked the relationship you built between the two boys. Whether you got the details right/wrong, I don't know, but it was very sweet. Well written as always.

Follow the Money By Hereford Eye
Too many acronyms, way too much to think about and keep track of for such a short piece. Sorry, didn't work for me.

Objects in the Rear View Mirror By Daddy Darth
I liked the idea, of some alien cramming himself into a human (reminded me of Men in Black, whether yours were metaphysically crammed in or not), but the humor didn't come across for me. Would an alien really think filling the lungs were cumbersome? Wouldn't an alien have some constant process to keep it alive and it would recognize that this process was crucial for survival in this form? For whatever reason, the suspension of belief didn't happen for me. It felt like a human pretending to be an alien stuff into a human.

Dead man walking By Ian Freman
Gave you more than you wanted in the thread, I'll spare you here. ;)

Any Aliens Here? By PogiRunner
Well written! But it didn't work for me. I couldn't think of what it was that I didn't like about this piece and Zacariah pointed it out - present tense. I'm just not used to reading it and it caught me off guard, and I think it required too many passive sentences when the opening scene is supposed to be a chase scene - a very active scene. Example: The suspect being chased is Barry...

And these sentences:
Captain Nelson is watching this 'cat and mouse' debacle unfold in real time from the Operations Command Center. Surveillance cameras are stationed throughout the city.

Could have been combined (somehow) to convene the same information, like: Watching the feed from surveillance cameras stationed throughout the city, Captian Nelson moaned as the 'cat and mouse' debacle unfolded in real time.

Well, that wasn't a good example. :eek: I made it past tense. Well, hopefully, you get the idea. :o

Again, it's probably just me as I'm not used to reading present tense.

The 'Shroom That Came to Sarnath By DailyRich
Too funny, dude. I really enjoyed this one. Not much I can say to improve it. You rock! :)

The keys? By Diane
The setting at the beginning was not to my taste, too mundane and the characters didn't draw me in at all (self-pity falls flat with me), but then it changed rather quickly with the emotion she felt towards her drunk friend. Maybe move into that quicker? Otherwise, well done!

Red Tape By marshwriter
Interesting setting and great dialogue. Yes, predictable, but still a good read. :)

[Diane]

I Swear I'm Not Drunk: Very clever. I have to say yours was one of the early ones I read and after doing so wished I had tried to find a more magical way to take my headline. I’ve learned a lesson on how though a topic may seem like you can’t add a fantastical element you really can if you work the brain muscles. For that I really thank you. I did enjoy the story though along with others wished to have seen more of the interaction with the fairy.

The Watchmaker's Gift: I’m so glad you made it, Sterling. I really enjoyed this story. One line I particularly liked was “and you’ve just wasted a few minutes of your precious time.” I’m amused because it could mean the reader too.

Tsukuyomi: I enjoyed the descriptions. The piece was very well written. One slight thing I wonder is you have Brighton and Kimble very chummy. This makes me wonder at Kimble causing him to endure a beheading. The only prank we really see prior is tossing washcloths at eachother. I’d believe the beheading if they were less friends and Brighton more antagonistic towards Kimble.


The Silent Discotheque of Cabdi Caziz: I actually was reading and hearing the whole thing in a hindu accent in my head. I don’t know whether accurate or not, but it was a good piece.

Follow the Money: I had a seriously hard time following. I had to slow down my reading pace drastically and really think about every line so I understood what was going on. The plot was clever, I give you that.

Objects in the Rear View Mirror: I had trouble getting into the alien. Maybe dwelled a little too long on his distaste for human bodies? Once you switched to where he was thinking about AS-55 I started enjoying the read.

Dead man walking: I liked the ending. I also thought it was great how self-absorbed Joe was. He seemed solid to me.

Any Aliens Here?: One thing I don’t get, but it may just be me… but why did Barry say a spaceship was going to come and take people away? This was just part of his messing with Nelson? I don’t quite get why he claims it and also why he chose not to follow through.

The 'Shroom That Came to Sarnath: This just had me laughing the whole time. I like the wordy word play. Twas’ good times.

Red Tape: I do feel for Karl. Poor guy. Good use of the headline. Nicely written.


I voted for The Watchmaker's Gift and The 'Shroom That Came to Sarnath. I also voted for my own. I do promise in the future to be more subjective but this was a first for me on several different levels. I'm proud to be here with everyone and have the great critiques and to be among such strong writers. It's really neat.

[PogiRunner]

Thanks to everyone already providing feedback regarding my entry. Also, an advanced thanks for any future comments.

I provided comments for each of the entries within the story threads and my votes for this month are The 'Shroom That Came to Sarnath, Tsukuyomi , and The keys?

[PogiRunner]

Any Aliens Here?: One thing I don’t get, but it may just be me… but why did Barry say a spaceship was going to come and take people away? This was just part of his messing with Nelson? I don’t quite get why he claims it and also why he chose not to follow through.

Good point Diane. Indeed, this should be clearer.

What I tried to portray here is an example of Barry being impatient wanting to reveal himself to humans. He tries to plant the idea that aliens exist, much the same way as he did by breaking into the school to talk to children. Unfortunately, he only goes 'half way', knowing that if he truly revealed himself he would place himself and all others living amongst humans into jeopardy.

[Diane]

ah, get it. That makes sense :)