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June 20th, 2002, 01:45 PM
For those of you over 18 please have a read of this story and let me know what you think.

My Story (http://sffworld.com/authors/r/roy_jacquin/fiction/surgeon1.html)

Much appreciated


June 20th, 2002, 02:07 PM
Hmmm... Well I have and it makes me shudder.

I think it could be expanded though, it does leave a few questions unanswered.

Though I have no problem with the language and the actions portrayed, others could.

I liked it the first time I read it and still do...

I am not going to say a word about grammer etc, as you know mine sucks..........


June 20th, 2002, 03:27 PM

Very twisted and gruesome...love it!

I agree, though, that you should expand it a bit. The character's enjoyment in his revenge and his love for the carving involved in surgery suggests that this girl will have some surprises if she turns to him. I think you might be able to add something here, a little twist or some additional foreshadowing of what might be in store for her--for instance, is he going to get his revenge?

It's a great story, though, and I think the language was necessary.

June 20th, 2002, 09:59 PM
I agree with your first two critics--your story is very good, but maybe it could be expanded a bit. For example, why does this guy enjoy hurting people so much? (I know his victim stole his girlfriend, but still most people don't react that strongly in that situation!) I would have liked to know a bit more about the girl too--what was it about her that made him so sure she was "the one?" I think the story would be great if you made it a bit longer, explained a bit more and added a little more description.

But I did like it. Keep up the good work! :)

June 20th, 2002, 10:36 PM
Jacquin, you are one very sick and twisted individual. :D And that was a really good story. I liked it. Does need to be longer though.

Just remind me not to piss you off!

June 20th, 2002, 11:52 PM
First of all, I truly like your style. You show a great deal of talent for writing.

However . . .

The plot was very weak. There wasn’t really a build up to a climax, no real conflict. It seemed as though you skipped the story and went straight for the punch. As a story, I think it should have started earlier in the time-line. Show how the characters found themselves in the predicament described in your story. Show the spark of sadism and how that spark blossoms and transforms a man into a psychopathic killer.

June 21st, 2002, 06:30 AM
Thanks for the comments guys (and gals :)).

To be honest that was the first (and so far only) short story I have written. I have been working on a Novel for quite a while now which has a completely different feel. Still first person, but much more of a feel good story (so far...).

I wrote whilst on a week long course form work. I was sat in a lecture in this hotel in the Yorkshire dales and just got to thinking... that evening I sat in my room and wrote that.

I have a few more ideas for my friendly surgeon so don't think you've heard the last of him yet.


June 22nd, 2002, 11:50 AM

The very though that you also have a huge sword terrifies the hell out of me :D


June 24th, 2002, 06:14 AM
nice story. i dont think the plot was weak or anything - its an isolated incident, its not your responsibility to provide background on everything.

i liked it. keep the surgeon alive.

June 24th, 2002, 06:32 AM
Originally posted by Cadfael

The very though that you also have a huge sword terrifies the hell out of me :D


It's not that big, only about four feet.... and it's not like it's quite sharp enough to shave with...:D