[Lazers]

So, I recently got this odd burning desire to write something that somehow mashed slight comedy and science fiction into one story. I decided that the best way of doing this, in order to keep myself spontaneous, is to write a story made up of parts. This is part one.

Right here. (http://www.sffworld.com/community/story/4158p0.html)

Critique is, of course, very much appreciated, as long as it's constructive. I'll read it, take note, and try and incorporate your comments into part two. Anyway, enjoy the story!

[kmtolan]

The disjointed amusement with your piece reminded me of something out of "Hitchhiker's Guide", and as long as I framed your work in that context, then I didn't bother to question - so the comedy/SF mashed well.

What I quickly found distancing me from Jacques was how you kept swinging from his perspective to that of an unseen Narrator. It didn't seem to work for me, as if I was constantly reminded that "Yes, this is just a story." Not sure if this was also part of "Hitchhiker's Guide", but I sort of wished to stay with your MC.

I noticed you had a habit of not handling dialog grammatically - such as "What a coincidence!" Exclaimed the uniformed man. You wouldn't capitalize "Exclaimed". There were other examples as well, and I'll toss in the added nit that in this particular sentence you need not have bothered with "Exclaimed" at all since "!" manages this for you. Might want to swing by "Elements of Style" by Strunk and brush up a little on your conversations. Watch those run-on sentences too - three commas or more is usually a Bad Thing.

Still, if you were shooting for something like "Hitchhiker's Guide" with your style, I think you came close enough for me to make the comparison. Of course, if you wanted a story with some cohesiveness to it, then I might have a bit more to say (grin).

Kerry

[Lazers]

A 'Hitchhikers guide' style was more or less what I was aiming for, true.

The not capitalizing after speech marks, though? I was always sure it was:

"Blah blah blah." He said.

Rather than:

"Blah blah blah." he said.

Having looked it up, though, I was in error. :o

[JunkMonkey]

Watch those run-on sentences too - three commas or more is usually a Bad Thing.

Please don't take this wrong but three commas or more is a 'Bad Thing'? Says who? If you're writing for children maybe, but even my eight year old can cope with reading sentences with more than one clause and a couple of adjectives.

[kmtolan]

Please don't take this wrong but three commas or more is a 'Bad Thing'? Says who? If you're writing for children maybe, but even my eight year old can cope with reading sentences with more than one clause and a couple of adjectives.

While an adroit writer may get away with lots of commas, most new writers usually can't. You just have to read a run-on sentence out loud and see what I mean. Specially if you end up gasping. Writing does have an ebb and flow to it. There are always exceptions, and personally pegging a comma-count to three is my own red flag when editing other authors.

Kerry

[Lazers]

Too many commas can be a bad thing, but I think you can usually get away with more than three.

[JunkMonkey]

Just out of curiosity I went and looked at the comma count in opening sentences of famous books. Okay, this a very skewed, carefully selected sample but personally, as a reader, I find nothing wrong with long, complex sentences. None of these seem particularly challenging.


Here is Edward Bear, coming downstairs now, bump, bump, bump, on the back of his head, behind Christopher Robin.
- A.A. Milne, Winnie the Pooh (6 commas)

Alice was beginning to get very tired of sitting by her sister on the bank, and of having nothing to do: once or twice she had peeped into the book her sister was reading, but it had no pictures or conversations in it, `and what is the use of a book,' thought Alice `without pictures or conversation?'
- Lewis Carroll, Alice's Adventures in Wonderland (4 commas and a colon)

Emma Woodhouse, handsome, clever, and rich, with a comfortable home and happy disposition, seemed to unite some of the best blessings of existence; and had lived nearly twenty-one years in the world with very little to distress or vex her.
- Jane Austen, Emma (4 commas and a semi-colon)

In a village of La Mancha the name of which have no desire to recall, there lived not so long ago one of those gentlemen who always have a lance in the rack, an ancient buckler, a skinny nag, and a greyhound for the chase.
- Cervantes (Miguel de Cervantes Saavedra) Don Quixote (5 commas)

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to Heaven, we were all going direct the other way - in short, the period was so far like the present period, that some of its noisiest authorities insisted on its being received, for good or for evil, in the superlative degree of comparison only.
- Charles Dickens, A Tale of Two Cities (16 commas and an em dash)

[Lazers]

Right-o. Uhm, can we get back to the 'critique' bit now? :o

[tmso]

I'm not trying to defend Kerry (ok, maybe I am), but he just said it was a red flag for him when reviewing NEW writers. And it's just Kerry's personal editing red flag.

To be fair, the examples you cited are from well established authors (who presumable knew what they were doing), and written in an era that may have had different editing standards than what we do now.

I'm not trying to start (or further) an argument. I'm just trying to view this whole comma thing in context.

I'm writing a novel at the moment, set in Spain and it's partially inspired by Cervantes. When I first started writing it, I tried to write it in Cervantes' style. The results were horrible. All my instructors and fellow students confirmed that fact. I'm just not good enough to even try to emulate his style, nor does anyone really want to read that style right now. It's just too long winded. So, as Kerry noted, with new writers, it is sometimes best to stick to simpler sentence construction until we have a bit more experience under our belts. But, that's not to say I don't have a few Cervante-inspired sentences in my novel. I've just tamped down on it a lot, and only use those types of sentences for affect.

Uhm, can we get back to the 'critique' bit now?
Right!! Sorry. I'll go read and comment in a moment...

[tmso]

Quick comments:
I thought it was fine. The humor didn't really come across for me, though. There were too many instances of 'what is he talking about?' for me to get into the flow and figure things out. And it's all set up.

There were a couple of times when it just didn't make sense, especially at the beginning. He's laying down right? So how can he be getting poked in the back?

Also, when he's up in the observation deck (or whatever it is), shouldn't he be a little more worried about how the heck he got there and not about crashing into Jupiter? Or maybe the two should occupy his brain equally.

I don't know, sorry, it just didn't work for me.