[Chapel Black]

Kingdom of Heresy is an online daily episodic low-fairytale-fantasy epic, which is a lot of tags.

I recently had some feedback, and have re-edited most of what has been uploaded, in the hopes of improving it.

As such, I'd like, if any of you lovely people so desire, to garner more feedback on the updated work.

This is the first episode: 001: The Thief’s Approach

http://kingdomofheresy.wordpress.com/2010/05/12/001-the-thiefs-approach/

Thanks to any and all that have, or will come to, give invaluable advice.

CB

[kmtolan]

Getting better with the character - can actually be with her than watch her, so on to the next thing.

Pacing. This is the heartbeat of adventure - the thing that pushes your reader to consume pages as if they were on fire.

Here's how it works - we take this:

Her hazel eyes peeped over the wall surrounding the foreign, yet familiar keep. The young thief, as always, was aweful of the beautiful gardens at her workplace; its lush green lawns that were freshly cut everyday spread their aroma so fragrantly throughout in the air. There was a kaleidoscope of colour in the flowerbeds, and the pristine white pathways twisted and wound around the lawns, cutting a stark and beautiful route. They were almost mesmerising in their intricacy and symmetrical splendour. Trellised arches were scattered all around those paths at irregular intervals, and they raised the colour of the flowers up to eye level and beyond.

Mehgan Travallen hoisted herself up and slid carefully over the wall, only moving after checking that not a single soul was about. She used the sturdy ivy that clung to the inside of the walls to climb down into the gardens. When her feet were firmly planted on the soft springy grass some fifteen feet below she began to move. Low, and close to the outer wall, she ran to the left, skirting the open ground.

and BAM!

Her hazel eyes peeped over the wall surrounding the foreign, yet familiar keep. Mehgan Travallen hoisted herself up and slid carefully over the wall, only moving after checking that not a single soul was about. She used the sturdy ivy that clung to the inside of the walls to climb down into the gardens. When her feet were firmly planted on the soft springy grass some fifteen feet below she began to move. Low, and close to the outer wall, she ran to the left, skirting the open ground.

Unless that garden is an integral part of the story, or you are catering to horticulturists, you have no need for such detail.

Now, on to Point of View (POV). You still want to narrate, and so you end up mixing things up such as :

The hazel-eyed girl had been in Truste every day since the beginning of Cullivan; spying and plotting on behalf of her mistress: the lady of the Lands of Vahna. She took a long look left ...

See the problem? In Third Person Limited (which I think is what you need here) you use terms like "She" and "Her" and "Mehgan". Keep us close, don't push us away with "the".

Repetition. Beware the evil of patterns. Count the "She" :

She willed her body to calm, she again focussed her concentration, and she waited.

This would be better:

She willed her body to calm, focused her concentration, and waited.

Oh, and watch that spelling (grin).

You have moved ahead with getting a little less narration into your story, but unfortunately it remains a nagging habit. I also peeled a little deeper into your work to uncover some grammar issues. This is normal - as you get better at one thing, other gotchas jump out.

Hope this helps. All my opinion, of course.

Kerry

[Chapel Black]

Monty Python comes to mind...

"There's just no pleasing some people."
"That's just what Jesus said, sir."

:)

[kmtolan]

Monty Python comes to mind...

"There's just no pleasing some people."
"That's just what Jesus said, sir."

:)

You only have to please one person - an acquisitions editor. (grin)

Kerry

[JunkMonkey]

I would disagree with Iolanthe. I haven't read the whole thing but, talking about just the excerpt she quotes, I think the details of the garden help. They say your character is a careful observer and tells us about her and the place she is sneaking into. That moment's description ( it's not a long description really) works.

[Chapel Black]

JM, I must say I agree with you on this one, and shall not be chopping out the descriptive in the hopes of increasing pace. If I did indeed cut that description, and others, I'd feel it too much like a script, rather than an episodic novel.

CB