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user123
June 27th, 2002, 03:12 AM
I have a Fantasy story posted and very much like to hear what some of you think of it. The story is call 'FORGED OF FLESH' by A. S. Teller. Give it a look see and let me hear what you thought of it
Thanks:)

Holbrook
June 27th, 2002, 06:23 AM
I liked the ideas and the story.

But I felt as if there was too much detail, too much explaining at the beginning.

I felt as if I was waiting for the action to begin.

Perhaps the events there could be written as the happen. Not beginning with your main character Kyra hunted by the mob. But when Jarret was brought to her as a prisoner. Show their world thought their eyes, feelings and actions.

This is just a suggestion it is after all your story.

Best
H

user123
June 28th, 2002, 05:16 AM
Thanks Holbrook for your feedback on this story, I'm glad you like it. I know there was a lot of detail at the start, I was trying to set the overall mood of the story. Maybe I over did it a bit, but it's to learn things like that I put the story out there. I need people like you to tell me where they think I can improve my work.
Also I'm working to expand this tory into a novel. The novel goes back to before Kyra and Jarret meet. It show where they were and what they were doing that lead them to be in Dorn's Keep in this story. It will be along the lines you have sugested and hopefully will get printed. With any luck the 'Gods of Writing' will smile upon me and the novel will get published.
Once again thank you for your views on my story, they will help me with my writing in the future.

kegasaurus
June 28th, 2002, 09:32 PM
Read your story and feel it has a lot of promise. Like your last story (Alien Dreams) I enjoyed the interaction of the characters and I felt that it flowed and was realistic.

However, there is always room for improvement and here are my suggestions.

Expand the start of the story and tell it from only one point of view. I feel the beginning is a little garbled and could be explored a little further.

When you are writing the descriptive scenes it feels as though it is a little rushed, especially the scene with Dorns death. If you expand it a little and play on the peoples emotions, it would add to the suspense of the scene, building it to a crescendo as Dorn is killed.

The love between Kyra and Jeff Jarret is not explored. Though the machinations are all there, from the emotional stand point there is nothing. Until Jarret was killed and Kyra expressed her love for him, I had no idea that they had these feelings. Just give us a loving touch, a skipped heart beat and how their idiosyncrasies play upon the others heart.

Though the conversation is well written, once again there is no feeling portrayed. Things like ĎKyra felt her heart dropí and the like are missing as well as the expressions of the people who are being spoken to, who arenít the POV character.

If you explore these options I believe you will make one hell of a writer as your writing flows and it grabs the reader.

user123
June 30th, 2002, 04:48 AM
Hi Kegasaurus

Glad you like my work. I know things seem a bit fast in this story and there could be a lot more depth, but in my writing I tend to run on a little. So when I set this story up I did skip or remove some things. Maybe I went a tad to far and took too much out, but I wanted to keep it short enough to post. For this reason I more then likely took out to much, with luck I won't make the same mistake in the future.

One thing, I don't understand it when you said I should tell the story from only one point of view. I thought I had kept it centered on Kyra, could you expand on where you think I got off her?
Lastly thank you for your opinion that I show some talent as a writer. Hopefully I'll find and editor who thinks the same way and get something in print.

user123
July 22nd, 2002, 04:23 AM
Hello again,
Its been a bit since anyone had anything to say about this story. So if anybidy out there would care to add to what has already been said I would be glad to here it.:D
bye for now.