[creatorofPreten]

This is the first character introduction to a character of mine, could you tell me if I include too many details?



Doern LaeGo was taller than 60% of all Kellerian men. His hair, always neatly combed, slicked back behind the ears, cut on a ruler - 2 inches above the upturned collar of his white Regulation work shirt. Under the sun his hair was shiny black, under indoor luminescence his baby brown hair striped through.

His right eye was dark blue, black, and gray. His left eye was solid green. The left eye was always noticed first - it made him stand out so. His physical frame was slender, but solid. His body and legs blended well proportionally. His shoe size - eleven, one size above most common.

Doern reached into the right inside pocket of his wrinkle-free, navy-blue suit coat, and withdrew his official badge of Authority. He showed this badge to the two stone faced guards blocking his entrance into Amerissa's private quarters.

The badge embossed in silver was blank until the guards scanned it intrasensorily. The intrasense mark showed a 3-D flash image of Doern, and included his badge number with the official "silver lantern shining on the golden book" Authority seal.

"Her Highness," he spoke vocally in order to express as much sarcasm as possible, "is expecting me, I'm sure."

The guards wordlessly and thoughtlessly moved aside, each one taking a handle and opening a door. Doern slipped the badge back into his pocket, rebuttoned the six buttons on his coat, and marched through importantly.

[Lucanus]

You'd probably be better served by trying to incorporate the information from the first two paragraphs in the first chapter piece by piece. It feels like an information dump, especially since you are using statistical info. You could just say he's tall for his race or compare his height to something else with a tie in to your world for flavor. Maybe he's tall for his people but really short compared to another race.

[creatorofPreten]

Okay, thanks Lucanus. I thought it might be a bit much.


If I don't describe my character right away I tend to get anxious, and feel like I'm taking too long. I don't know why. (shrugs)

A lot of times I end up never describing them at all. I guess I should read some more and take note when my favorite authors use dsecriptions. How long they take, and how much info at a time.

[ElinIsabel]

I tend to fall on the side of being favorable to description, but perhaps you could weave it in a little more to what it is happening; describe his hieght and appearance as it relates to what he is doing or how he is interacting with characters.

Or you can also introduce a character through dialogue and action and then gradually drop in more description as you go, and as readers become more attatched to a character. As a reader (and a writer) I tend to like to "meet" the character first through what they do and say and then, once they interest me, get (or as a writer give) a more detailed description.

I still struggle with this though. I'm very visual, and tend to want to write everything I "see". Often my inspiration for a character will be a visual one. So I know what you mean about wanting to get description out there!

I would add that details like "wrinkle free" are the best kind of details because they show something about him, doing double duty providing a visual and characterization. I think when descriptive details are precise, concrete, and engage the senses they are best, creating the reality of the story for the reader, where details that are abstract and interpretive, while sometimes appropriate for the story, are usually less powerful.

[Lucanus]

I fight against being overly visual too. Certain details are crazy important to me as well. I try to keep in mind that if I describe the really and truly important items, good readers will imagine what the rest looks like in the ways most pleasing to them.

[tdnewton]

I would actually dump the first two paragraphs, and I'll tell you why.

Doern LaeGo was taller than 60% of all Kellerian men.
This is overly specific and unrelated to the scene.

His hair, always neatly combed, slicked back behind the ears, cut on a ruler - 2 inches above the upturned collar of his white Regulation work shirt.
There is a much more succinct way to say this, and to work it into the scene.

Under the sun his hair was shiny black, under indoor luminescence his baby brown hair striped through.
What is "baby brown"?

His right eye was dark blue, black, and gray. His left eye was solid green. The left eye was always noticed first - it made him stand out so.
There's no actual relevance to this information if he, himself, is the narrating character. Better to have someone else notice it.

His physical frame was slender, but solid. His body and legs blended well proportionally. His shoe size - eleven, one size above most common.
Again, the relevance of this is questionable, particularly his shoe size. It's better to integrate description into the context of the scene rather than to just say "this is what he looks like, now read on for the good part."

The rest of what you posted is in scene, and I like it quite a bit. Note that describing his badge IS relevant because he's pulling it out and showing it to someone. Giving us details about his suit gives us insight to his character; to have a wrinkle-free suit tells us he is fastidious and cares about his appearance. We want to know why, and we find out soon enough.

The last bit could use a little paring down, though:
The guards moved aside and pulled open the doors. Doern slipped the badge back into his pocket, rebuttoned his coat, and marched through.

You had a lot of adverbs, but they either didn't fit or were extraneous. A person doesn't "march" unimportantly. If they don't speak, we already know the guards are doing things wordlessly.

To do something "thoughtlessly" implies they did it either on instinct or unintentionally, usually implying a mistake or no regard for the person they're interacting with. I would think after viewing his badge, if the character has any importance at all, that the guards would move with purpose.

Hopefully this helps :)

[creatorofPreten]

Thanks tdnewton. That was very helpful. :)

I think I know what I need to do now.


Oh and 'baby brown hair' is the hair he was born with. Kellerians are born with baby hair in one color and then around the age of six or seven a secondary layer of differently colored hair grows in on top.

[creatorofPreten]

Doern LaeGo reached into the inside pocket of his black wrinkle-free suit coat and withdrew his badge of Authority. The badge, embossed in silver, was blank until it was scanned intrasensorily by the two hulking giants standing guard outside Queen Amerissa's door.

The official Intrasensory mark of The Authority appeared as a 3-d flash image of a silver lantern shining onto a golden book. Beyond this image down into the next intra-level Doern's solemn image appeared, dressed in his regulation black suit, white shirt, and black tie. Below the image, his name: Doern Brand Dax LaeGo; rank: 4th Captain of the Law; Intrasensory level: 9.

Doern waited impatiently for the badge to return to blank, so he could place it back in his pocket. He refastened the top 3 buttons, and spoke aloud in order to express as much sarcasm as possible, "Her Highness is expecting me, I'm sure."

The guards stepped aside and Doern pushed through the swinging doors, marching down the long booklined foyer until he came across the Queen's sitting room. She was sitting cross-legged on a red satin pillow, her back resting against the matching couch. Her head was bowed in deep concentration, over a book, she held in her lap.

Doern stood and watched her for several moments to see if she would sense him. If she did she gave no indication of it. He searched her mind, but all he found was text from the book that she was reading, something about dolphins and mermaids. He had set his own mental blocks on high alert, so he would feel it if she were probing him and she was not. He was uncertain how anyone of any intrasensory level could remain this unaware, and just the thought made him nervous, so he cleared his throat and only then did she look up expectantly at him.

She was younger than he had anticipated, he surmised she couldn't be older than seventeen. Her eyes were three shades of blue, right and left, Doern's own eyes, which met hers in silent challenge, were differently colored: his right eye, dark blue, black, and gray; while his left eye was solid green. It was always the left eye that allowed him to see the furthest and deepest.

On this occasion he was able to look down deep into her soul, she made it easy without any blocks at all. He was able to see and feel the terror that loomed down below the surface, though none of this terror was visible anywhere on her face. He could feel her heart beating, and sense the blood flowing through her veins. He didn't understand why it was all so easy with her; he was a level 9, but still some resistance should be present, even the basest of animals offered some resistance to an invasive intrasensory probe. She offered none.

"Your Highness," he vocalized per regulation, "I am here today by order of Highest Authority to issue an order for your arrest on charges of murder in the first degree. I have been assigned to escort you directly to trial and to assure your safety until that time when I am no longer needed."

Her pulse was rushing now and her heart was racing, but her voice remained steely calm. "I ... am ... not ... a ... murderer."

"Save it for the judge," he cast. He wanted to see if she could even receive, but the mental message slid straight through to the receiving portion of her mind. "We need to leave as soon as possible. How quickly can you be ready?"

"I packed a bag a week ago." She cast back.

So she could send as well. Doern recalled from her arrest report that she had been identified as unclassable. He thought he was beginning to see why.

Young Queen Amerissa stood to her feet, she barely reached his chin. She tugged at a yellow ribbon, causing her long violet, black hair to come cascading down her shoulders. Doern's hair was short, and inky black, with just the slightest stripe of brown left over from his baby hair. While he was silently admiring the young Queen's hair another young woman, robed in white, arrived around the corner with a large purple garment bag. Doern marvelled how Amerissa could have sent out a signal to her servant girl without his knowledge.

"Take it out to the Authority Flyer." He cast to the servant girl. She curtsied quickly and moved to obey.

Doern almost regretted this part as he reached into the back pocket of his creaseless pants, and withdrew a pair of ivory white handcuffs.

Amerissa stepped back hastily. "You don't need those. I surrender." He could almost hear the panic in her voice. He was unsure why, but it didn't matter, as handcuffs were regulation. Beside that he didn't trust her. She was a murderer, after all.

Her eyes lit with one flame of pure blue fury. "I .... AM ... NOT .... A .... MURDERER."

Doern jumped a mental mile. Her voice screamed inside his head. He had his blocks up. It should have been impossible for her to read his thoughts. He was a level 9. What was she? He withdrew his intrasense pistol from the holster on his belt. One shot from this gun should render her intrasensories useless temporarily, and put her down into a deep and dreamless sleep.

Amerissa stared at him sadly. The angry flames had dampened, but had not gone out entirely. She presented her wrists meekly, and Doern quickly clamped the handcuffs on before she could change her mind. "I will remember this," she cast darkly.

"Tell it to the judge."

[Vainn2000]

Wow creatorofPreten, you certainly blew away your first introduction. I really liked your descriptions and word use. i quite enjoyed that.

[mickyg]

I don't know if I am contradicting anyone here, but I thought your newest post, although far better than the first attempt, still had problems of its own.

I think that you need to have a clear picture in mind of the characters most prominent features and make sure that they are put across effectively. In your first post, I got the feeling that the character was tall, fussy with his appearance, official and no-nonsense.

The second attempt, although better, didn't quite communicate his 'silhouette' as well as it could have. Everyone's comments were to better integrate the descriptions with the story itself, but I almost feel that you have hidden it too deeply in the rest of the story.

For instance, you wanted to put across the point he was tall. But by only referring to it by Amerissa standing up and coming to his chin, it leaves me unsure of whether he is tall or she is just short.

Some things, such as his appearance and fussiness, are more than just descriptions and become part of the character himself. So I would expect to see him smooth his jacket unconciously, readjust his posture to remain ramrod straight - small things like that.

Still, it is light years better than the first one so congratulations.