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OgreWolf
July 9th, 2002, 04:14 PM
Hello!

This is my first time posting here, seems cool.

Well, I just wondered if anyone might read the prologue to my might be book, and tell me what you think.

Download it here (http://home.online.no/~aulvesta/)

I should mention that this is my first attempt at writing a novel, and that my native language is not english but norwegian.

Håkon (OgreWolf) Ulvestad

LePeze
July 9th, 2002, 04:24 PM
Well, I loved ur prologue. It made me laugh and I wanted to know what was going to happen next. :D

I can't comment on the structure of ur sentences and the use of words because I suck pretty hard at English.

Keep up the good work!

manticore
July 9th, 2002, 08:37 PM
liked it. though lepezes post made me think there was a hugely comic twist somewhere, which i searched for in vain. but i liked your prologue and would have read on gladly.

Erebus
July 9th, 2002, 09:20 PM
I have read your piece, Ogrewolf, and if English is not your native tongue then you have done quite well indeed!

Your sentence structure is a little clumsy in parts and the dialogue I found a little stilted as well, but this is most likely due to the language barrier etc. As to the story itself, I have to admit that I was somewhat confused with the link between the two scenes, and how they related to each other. Perhaps you need to work on this a little to ensure you keep the readers' interest.

I did enjoy your usage of the leaf metaphors, and perhaps this is a theme you can continue with throughout the story. But, as a prologue to a larger work, I found it just a tad confusing and perhaps not quite compelling enough to make me want to read further.

This is just my opinion of course, and others may see it differently, but I hope my feedback helps.

OgreWolf
July 10th, 2002, 06:28 AM
Thank you for your replies, I was planning to write one part in between those two (you can see I have written one sentence, eh) to link the two parts. Many find it a bit confusing.

And for the language and dialogs, this is only my rough draft and I hope to make them better structured.

Again thank you. I'll post when I have done more.

Håkon Ulvestad

OgreWolf
July 11th, 2002, 08:08 AM
I have written an extra part in the prologue, it explains much of what is happening, and adds a bit of "story". Hope you guys'll read it and give me feedback.

As always: Download here (http://home.online.no/~aulvesta/)


Håkon Ulvestad

kegasaurus
July 11th, 2002, 09:57 AM
Haven't read the extra bits yet but....

As a prologue, I'd say you've just got enough of the hook in my mouth, though it is in a tenuous position. I'd expand it a bit and open up the story a little.

It is a good start though and it will be interesting to see where you take it so good luck and write on.

OgreWolf
July 11th, 2002, 07:38 PM
Now I have also uploaded the first part of chapter 1 to my site.

http://home.online.no/~aulvesta/

I like it. :D

Erebus
July 12th, 2002, 04:11 AM
Okay, I finally found time to read you revisions, Ogrewolf...

The Prologue certainly has a little more depth to it now, though I must admit that I still couldn't understand the link between the two scenes. Perhaps this is explained further along in the story?

The first chapter I found quite easy to read and your use of English is very good, considering it's not your native tongue. One thing that did jump out at me was the overuse of the characters' names, especially Prel's. You don't always need to use the name so often, and perhaps you could subsitute it for he said or he did or he went, rather than using the actual name all the time, unless you need to make it clear which character you are referring to of course.

Legionaire
July 7th, 2003, 12:31 PM
Ogrewolf, i must honestly admit that i liked your prologue wery much. But as i sat reading, I felt that something was missing. And i am offcourse thinking of the "man" in the story. I think making him a bit more "emotional" would give the prolouge a litttle lift in the right direction. Make him a bit less zombie... Besides you could insert a little foreshadowing. Makes it more exiting for the reader. Will he kill her, is she going to escape. etc...etc. Clearly this is a man who should be tormented by wether or not he should follow his masters commands. Try to write somethings about what that goes on in this mans mind before and after the murder. He is quite clearly under influence of some sort of magical trance at the moment he kills his loved. But, what drives him before the trance. And how does he excuse himself afterwards. Maybe you could gain some inspiration by smegaols monologue in the LOTR. Best regards Legionaire.