[Vainn2000]

I have been currently working on a fantasy novel for quite sometime. This is the opening chapter that takes place ten years before the real story begins. The character featured here is not the main character but sets up a situation that takes place later. I would like some feedback whether or not this is written well enough to capture your attention and would make you want to keep reading. Right after this it continues from the perspective of the main character who is the boy drawing with the chalk. Any help to improve it would be sincerely appreciated.



Eli squatted down on the asphalt of the playground, his pale face full of excitement with what he had caught from the wet bushes that was close to the fence. A brief thunderstorm had just appeared in the sky overhead dousing all of the fifth graders with its sudden fury. Having been soaked didn’t bother him all that much, for the fleeting storm had caused him to find something much to his liking. Quickly brushing aside a few strands of his thin jet black hair that clung to the sides of his face like a wet mop, he peered intently at the green frog he had neatly trapped underneath one end of his “Y” shaped stick. With a surgeon like precision, he picked up another stick and stuck the tapered end into one of the frog’s legs, easily puncturing its paper-thin skin allowing its blood to pour forth. As the small amphibian struggled to free itself, he watched with morbid fascination as the creatures eyes bulged with the agony and pain it was forced to endure.
Smiling wickedly, he withdrew stick and punctured the frogs other leg, this time twisting the stick back and forth in order to make the wound grow larger. From there he proceeded on up to the torso, delivering a multitude of short thrusts into the creatures abdomen and chest, savoring every moment of pain that he was inflicting.
Feeling a sudden tap on his shoulder, he angrily twisted around and started to curse whoever had decided to disturb him, the bloodied stick raised in the air as if ready to strike. When he saw the similar features to his own framed with bright red hair staring back at him, he quickly relaxed and followed the direction to where his fraternal twin brother’s finger was pointing. At the other end of the school ground, a little blond girl of about ten years of age had left the vicinity of her playmates and wandered over to a boy who sat happily alone drawing images on the pavement with his chalk. Upon spying the newly formed opportunity to wreck havoc, the young sociopath in the making instantly lost all further interest in torturing the poor frog. As he got to his feet, he suddenly turned back and with a sadistic gleam in his eye, made two swift jabs, poking out the eyes of the already half dead frog. Satisfied with his handiwork, he turned back around and began to head off towards the unsuspecting victims, leaving the frog alone to die a slow agonizing death with no one around to put it out of its misery.

[DougFarren]

Personally, I would put the book back on the shelf and select another one. Graphic violence may appeal to some, but not myself. But that's just me. Grammatically, my wife would have a some unsavory comments. I use her to proofread my books. She has 27 years of experience at a newspaper. There is an excessive use of the word "had" and several instances of "that" can be removed. Sentence structure in some places can be improved as well. Don't feel like I'm coming down on you for this; I suffer from the same problem! I correct most of my errors in my second reading and even on my third pass through I'm making small adjustments to sentence structure. Fact is, I've become concerned with this and I've taken a hiatus on writing for awhile in order to read some books on how to improve my writing. Good luck in your sales!

Check out my books at: http://www.smashwords.com/profile/view/DougFarren

[kmtolan]

This isn't going to work for me. Getting past the point where you say this happened ten years before the story begins (which tends to make this a prologue), I am faced with you trying to inject far too much description into a horrid (kudos, for that) scene. You probably need to put some distance between his torturing the frog and the introduction of another character as I was still bug-eyed with what he was doing and far less interested in anything else.

I might take
Eli squatted down on the asphalt of the playground, his pale face full of excitement with what he had caught from the wet bushes that was close to the fence. A brief thunderstorm had just appeared in the sky overhead dousing all of the fifth graders with its sudden fury. Having been soaked didn’t bother him all that much, for the fleeting storm had caused him to find something much to his liking. Quickly brushing aside a few strands of his thin jet black hair that clung to the sides of his face like a wet mop, he peered intently at the green frog he had neatly trapped underneath one end of his “Y” shaped stick.

and reduce it down to

Eli squatted down on the asphalt, his pale face full of excitement Quickly brushing aside a few strands of his thin jet black hair, he peered intently at the green frog he had neatly trapped underneath one end of his “Y” shaped stick.

Instead of narrating how someone just walks up and taps him, you could do so much better by showing vs telling - something like

"Eli, what the hell you doing?"
Eli glared up at his twin brother, then with a sadistic grin, made two swift jabs, poking out the eyes of the already half dead frog. He looked beyond his brother at a little blond girl of about ten years of age had left the vicinity of her playmates. "I'll show you what I'm doing."

This tends to bring out the interplay between the two, and you can save the twin brother's description for after Eli deals with the frog so we don't have so much of an intermix of description. Also, notice that I don't get too elaborate about his next victim because you tend to put in too much description that is really not a part of the focus of action. Learn to sprinkle it in a bit here and there where appropriate. Finally, I tossed in that last bit of dialog to pump up the tension.

Now for my real question. Why start ten years earlier? What is it about this scene that will serve to draw your reader in without making them feel like they just got bumped off the wagon when suddenly it is ten years later? One simple sentence ten years later... "I started out stabbing frogs...then graduated to better things." Eli's crooked grin reflected in the dance of reflections from the blade he held before the cringing girl.

Not saying at all that this is where you are going, but in this one sentence and situation we know that Eli is a class A psychotic bastard. Just saying that most folks don't need a prologue - and a from the sound of things this chapter is exactly that.

All just my own suggestions, of course.

Kerry

[Vainn2000]

Thanks for the feedback Dougferren, no problem with the coming down hard. I asked for feedback and all critique and opinions are welcome. I agree its violent and its supposed to be for reasons of the story although right after this it is toned down quite a bit. Thanks for the tips on the 'that' and 'had' and taking the time to read it. I have the whole novel written but it looks like a need still quite a bit of work on sentence structure which is why I'm posting certain excerpts here.

[Vainn2000]

Thanks for the input KMTolan. Still having trouble with that show vs tell. You make it look so easy. I can't wait until I can write the same way. I will play around with your suggestions and see what I come up with. As for the answer to your question, yes it is a prologue but what you see here is just one page of it, the rest is very important to the story and provides key information for what happens later or at least thats what I think, lol

[Lyleth]

I don't have a problem with the violence, but I would agree that the immediacy of the scene is not there yet. Cut lots of the modifiers, get rid of adverbs and most of your adjectives and let the action and dialogue show us that he is a creepy kid. The total action of the scene is him poking the frog. There are more actions going on there. Remember actions describe better than modifiers. And I agree with the above, you can write a real scene instead of just a summary of what happened. Use dialogue!

[DougFarren]

KMTolan: Great job on the rewrite.
Vainn2000: You hit the nail on the head with "Show, don't tell". It is my major trap that I am striving to avoid. I tend to want the reader to learn all about the world I carry around in my head: How the stardrive works; the whole history of the alien species; how did dragons come to be. I tend to spill it all out at once instead of sprinkling it throughout the story. If I may be allowed to quote from "The First Five Pages" - "Trust the reader!"

http://www.smashwords.com/profile/view/DougFarren

[Vainn2000]

Thanks for the feedback Lyleth, funny, I thought I was writing a real scene instead of summary, ah well, looks like my publishing date is going to be pushed back quite a few months!!! Excellent feedback, I think I'm starting to see the light, will post a revision soon. I definitely need a lot of practice.

[Lyleth]

I'm looking forward to your rewrite. Think about the scene as a mini story, with a beginning, climax and resolution. And think about how you can show through action and dialog what you are dying to write about in narrative. I have the same problem. It takes one to know one:)

[Vainn2000]

Alright, I got a little depressed yesterday after the input. I was hoping to have this published by the end of September but I can see where I need to really work on what you have all suggested. I noticed I am generally trying too hard as well as I need practice the skill of showing vs telling. I find myself constantly trying to tell instead of show. I also have begun to notice where I use "had" and "that" in my writing. Always amazes me how one begins to see things when someone points them out. Anyhow, I think this is much better than what I originally wrote based upon all your input. I hope you think so as well. Please again, let me know where I am going wrong, it is really, really appreciated.

Sincerely Vainn

Eli squatted down on the asphalt of the elementary school playground, his pale face full of excitement with what he had just caught near the chain link fence. Quickly brushing aside a few strands of his thin jet-black hair, he peered intently at the green frog that was neatly trapped underneath one end of his “Y” shaped stick. Pulling out a penknife that he had secretly smuggled into school, he thrust the pointed end with surgeon like precision into one of the frog’s legs, easily puncturing its paper-thin skin. As the small amphibian struggled to free itself in a pool of its own blood, he watched with morbid fascination as the creatures eyes bulged with the pain and agony it was forced to endure.
With a sadistic gleam in his eye, he punctured the frogs other leg, this time twisting the stick back and forth in order to make the wound grow larger. From there he proceeded on up to it’s torso, delivering a multitude of short thrusts into the creatures abdomen and chest, savoring every moment of pain that he was inflicting.
“Eli, look!” A soft tap upon his shoulder caused him to twist around sharply in anger.
“What is it?” Eli glared up at his fraternal twin.
“Its Aileen, she’s going to that drawing freak.”
Looking over his shoulder to where his brother was pointing, Eli saw the blond girl leave the vicinity of her playmates and head over to a boy playing with some chalk. With a crooked grin, he suddenly turned back and made two swift jabs, quickly poking out the eyes of the already half dead frog. “Lets go join em then.”