[Chainzen]

Chapter 1 - Scarred Vixen
Sirens blared in the cloudless night. Swords clashed and shields shattered simultaneously. The smell of bloodshed plagued the air. Demonic creatures had penetrated the military border of Cloushier. The lifeless bodies of noble warriors and wretched demons were scattered across the battlefield. No being could tell which side was overcoming the other. In a matter of seconds, the fight had escalated into war.
A strange figure leaped into the air from behind the warriors.
“Make way for the second string! Keep on your toes dammit!”
The ghouls clad in shredded red armor roared furiously at their opponents. Their decayed skin melted and stretched as they charged forward. The knights attired in blue cloaks and metallic masks parted ways for the reinforcements. Similar soldiers marched forward wielding body-length axes. Their battle-scarred weapons were cracked and smeared in blood. Their holy white cloaks were as bright as the stars.
The strange figure in the sky removed its silver cloak, revealing a beautiful huntress. She landed at the head of the secondary soldiers.
“Remember what the master warned us about! These ghouls could possess dark energy. Don’t get too close or you’ll be infected by their chains of darkness! If you become one of them, we’ll have no choice but to kill you! Understand?” she says in a firm tone.
One of the secondary soldiers grasps her shoulder.
“Even on one of the coldest nights of the year, you’re still dressed like its summer! Your beauty is much more vibrant in the moonlight, Erithena. Did you take off your cloak just to impress us? Or did you want to titillate the enemy? I doubt you’ll get a positive response from such vile cretins.”
Erithena elbows the soldier in his stomach.
“We don’t have time for your foolishness, Neves. Just attack when I give the signal.”
Erithena edged her way towards the obscure intruders. Her long red boots reflected the moonlight into the eyes of the ghouls. They shielded their eyes as they tried to see through the light. Erithena’s black and grey armored dress clanked against her legs as she moved forward.
She raised her right arm and the manacle on her wrist transformed. Black, grey and red metal stretched across her hand. Her hand morphed into a claw with bladed fingers. The claw grew in size and emitted a dangerous purple hue.
“The signal,” Neves whispered to his comrades.
Erithena used her sharp appendages to crack the sky itself. The fibers of space and time broke apart like ice. Massive shards of dimensional glass hovered amongst the fighters. The shards were much like two-sided mirrors. The secondary soldiers used the stealthful shards like stairs, and ascended into the sky.
The ground warriors surrounded Erithena as she prepared to attack. The ghouls waited patiently, but their bloodlust was obvious to everyone. Erithena closed her demonic-red eyes. She then roared at the top of her lungs and rammed her claw into the ground. After a minor quake of power, the screaming sirens burst and crumbled. The red alarm lights faded out and the battlefield was dark and soundless.
The rustling of cloaks came from all directions, confusing the soldiers’ exact positions. The ghouls growled and hissed at their foes. Violent screeches emerged from the silence. The clashing of blades caused bolts of light to explode from the void. Erithena’s claw ignited with a strong purple glow. The renewed light revealed the corpses of many ghouls. Only ten monsters remained.
The remaining ghouls sported suits of nearly indestructible diamond armor. Erithena looked backwards and noticed that many of her soldiers had fallen.
“That isn’t any ordinary armor. It reflects the attacks of any weapon. It forces the moment of impact upon the one who delivered the strike. That armor is strong; I’ll give you that, but don’t expect it to remain intact much-”
Erithena gasps in suspense. The last of the ghouls had familiar eyes. The whites of their eyes were pitch black, while their irises were bright red. Erithena jumped backwards and landed upon a shard of dimensional glass. The shine of her black lips and eye shadow gave her a statuesque look. Her stone face emanated anger, even though her emotions were calm.
A strange slithering sound startled her. Erithena looked backwards and noticed that chains were raveling her men ferociously. Their screams were muffled as the darkness within overwhelmed them. The chains liquefied and hardened into silver flesh. They opened their eyes and Erithena shook her head in disappointment.
“So, you’ve become the enemy. I didn’t expect it to be true. Spiritry has resurfaced,” Erithena said in a frightened voice. “That would mean that the great guardian was unsuccessful in deleting it entirely. If our ancestors failed…what can we do?”
Erithena looked into the mirror-like shard beneath her. Her hair was long and grey, with black and red highlights. She had a series of bangs tied together with black bands, hanging over the right side of her face. Her entire body was sweaty and shaking with fear. She grasped her arm and tried to calm herself down.
The black and grey demonic scales covering her chest began to spread. The black markings on her face and midriff began to lengthen as well.
“No! It can‘t happen now! My emotions are scrambled. I have to get a grip! My anger is being confused with my collectiveness. I can’t let it overcome me!”
The scales and markings retracted to their normal appearances. She rubbed her normal hand against her bare stomach in relief. She stood up and raised her arms into the air. The sky shattered and the shards formed wings on Erithena’s back.
“The only way to save a being possessed by the chains of darkness…is to kill them. I’m sorry about this, but you’re not human anymore. Forgive me!”
Erithena flapped her wings of glass rapidly. She used the extra shards of glass to descend at a fast pace. She then slashed her claw and cut down two of her own soldiers. The three remaining possessed warriors attacked her, but their onslaught was short-lived. Erithena used her wings to cut them to shreds.
“May you rest peacefully in the Heavens,” Erithena said softly.
She fell to her knees, and tears flooded from her eyes. Her wings broke apart and began to violently cyclone around her.
“Dimensional deity…I beg of you. Use my flesh and blood as sacrificial offering. Provide me the power to vanquish evil!”
The swirling fragments fiercely attacked Erithena. She yelled in torture as her flesh was ripped, and her blood splattered across the ground. The fragments of glass acquired her blood and began to glow an evil shade of red. The cyclone separated into two and appeared around each of Erithena’s wrists. She opened her eyes and her pupil grew into a demonic slit.
“I am the Scarred Vixen! Now you face the wrath of the dimensional princess!”
The patience of the final ghouls had broken instantly. They opened their mouths and barrages of chains pelted towards Erithena. She used the cyclones like saws of bloody glass, and annihilated the chains upon impact. She then dashed towards the murderous beings.
Erithena twitched one of her claws, and the space fibers around the ghouls enclosed them in a glass prison. All of the blood shards around Erithena’s hands were drawn to her single destructive claw. She closed her eyes in pain, as the claw became metallic lava.
Neves managed to sit up, so that he could witness one of Erithena’s ultimate attacks. He removed his cracked mask. He wiped the blood from his spiky silver hair and started to chuckle. His blue eyes shimmered in unfathomableness.
“Amazing chick. It looks like she’s about to fall apart. Those idiots won’t know what hit ‘em! Nobody survives the Scarred Vixen technique!”
Erithena bit down on her lip in excruciating pain. Blood was trickling down from her mouth. She opened her bloodshot eyes and roared.
“PLASMA TURBINE!”
Her final assault happened in slow motion. She targeted the heartbeats of the ghouls and the claw mimicked them. In the blink of an eye, the glass prison imploded and the last of the demonic blood was shed.
Erithena made one final scream and passed out from the intense agony.
“No!” Neves yelled as he rushed to Erithena’s aid.
Neves scooped her up into his arms. He gazed upon her doll-like face. He then rubbed his cheek against her milky-white skin.
“If you were awake, you’d probably kill me right about now!”
Neves slowly stood up and walked over to the surviving soldiers.
“So many casualties. We’ll have to inform the master about this bizarre incident. Are you guys okay?”
The secondary string soldiers each gave a thumbs up.
“Good. The first assault was a disaster. We’ll need as many medics as possible. Those of you, who aren’t injured, go and find the medical teams immediately!”
Neves looked up at the full moon and sighed. He then jumped when a snowflake landed on his nose. A heavy storm was about to ensue, and Neves could feel it in the marrow of his bones.
He closed his fists tightly and mechanical cogs rose from underground. They strategically rose underneath each victim and wounded warrior. Neves then turned around and spotted a familiar town in the snowy sunrise.
“Better get these people out of harms way. Don’t want any weather-related incidents after a battle like that.”
A massive gear-like spinning top ship rose from the ground beneath Neves, and drew in the small cogs magnetically. They attached themselves to the sides of the machine, and barriers were created to protect the victims. The mechanism was a military transport. The rust-colored machine stood as tall as a cruise liner, with roots and decay giving it texture. The mechanical base emitted an echoing bang, and began to tread across a massive sunlit canyon. Daylight had finally emerged from the cold and murderous night.


***


The morning air was tainted by sadness. It didn’t take long for the medical teams to show up and tend to the wounded. Many ambulance moles had arrived to take away the piles of body bags. The massive creatures caused tremors as they kneeled down. Doors flew open from the transports attached to their backs, and the medics swarmed into the city of Drevulla.
Drevulla was a steam-powered masterpiece. Gold and silver skyscrapers adorned the layout of the gigantic city. Steam rose from the many copper-colored chimneys, and the sound of mechanical wheels echoed around every corner. The snow continuously covered the microchip tiles on the ground, which lit up whenever pedestrian feet touched them. Neves’ mechanical base was linked into the exterior of the city.
As the victims of the battle were healed in the Drevulla shelter, Neves decided to stay away from the commotion. He was holding a cup of hot chocolate, and sitting on the edge of a hospital rooftop. A scraping sound on the side of the wall startled Neves. He peeked over the edge and noticed a mechanical squirrel attempting to get up to him.
“And where were you hiding, Griyn?”
The squirrel finally managed to get a grip on the blue shingles. It front flipped forward and landed on Neves’ shoulder.
“Hiding? I was just making sure things were going smoothly in the base! You scared the hell outta me when you awakened it without warning! I heard a lot of commotion! What happened anyway?” Griyn asked in a cybernetic squeaking sound.
Neves pointed to the city below and Griyn’s tail stiffened in fear. His black and green eyes zoomed in on the disastrous situation. Many of the towns’ people were gathered around the shelter, praying for their soldiers.
“Neves, how many fatalities occurred today?
“Close to a hundred. It hasn’t been this bad in a long time. I was furious when I found out that Horus and the others weren’t gonna show up. Lazy bastards. If they would’ve helped us, then we might not be in this predicament.”
Neves locked his hands behind his head and fell back on the roof.
“They came from nowhere. They triggered the alarms without hesitating. We commenced a surprise attack from underground, but it didn’t spook ‘em in the least!”
Neves looked back into the window behind him and stood up. He wiped the snow off of his cloak and climbed over the windowsill and into a hospital room. Erithena was sleeping peacefully in a bed not fit for a princess. Neves lightly closed the window and sat down in the chair next to Erithena’s bed.
All of her wounds had been healed. Neves pulled a clump of bloody bandages out of Erithena’s right hand and threw it in the trash.
“You healed quickly, as always. You never cease to amaze me.”
Griyn rolled his eyes as Neves’ cheeks began to blush. Neves took a sip of hot chocolate, and sat his cup down on a table next to him.
“A storm is most likely approaching. We might be stuck here for awhile. I’ll have to inform the master of the situation so that Erithena can get some rest. I can’t believe that Spiritry has resurfaced. What the hell is happening in this universe?” Neves whispered.
Erithena’s eyes blasted open and she quickly sat up in a cold sweat. A shockwave of powerful energy emits throughout Drevulla.
“What the heck was that?!” Neves shouted.
Griyn leaps off of Neves’ shoulder and scampers over to the hospital window. A strange growl comes out of his throat.
“Trouble. You guys would probably know more about ‘em than I do!”
Erithena and Neves run over to the window and gasp in unison. They open the window and quickly run out to the edge of the rooftop. They look into the grey sky and watch as two incredibly strong beings fight one another.
Erithena covers her mouth in horror.
“Reculif…and Godema?!”

[Chainzen]

Sorry the format came out odd...

[kmtolan]

Death by narration, sorry. You really have to get into a character's head instead of sit us on the sidelines like this. It's "show vs tell" from start to finish.

Erithena unfortunately comes across like a melodramatic action figure, and having a soldier gush about her beauty in the middle of a horrific battle goes well over the top on the comic book scale. Plasma turbine? I couldn't get Power Rangers out of my mind....ugh. Then she talks about her armor's stats as if this were a Dungeon & Dragons game in progress.

The maddening thing for me is that you can paint great visuals with those ghouls (shudder). There is a lot of promise here. Yes, I 'm being a bit blunt, but this is me in "wake up call" mode telling you to slow down and revisit some basic story mechanics before you get too far with a project that could end up still-born. Might want to try some short stories based on your larger idea until you get the wrinkles worked out.

Orson Scott Card's book on "Elements of Fiction - Characters and Viewpoint". That might be a great guide for you.

Kerry

[Chainzen]

Thanks for the advice. Let me explain what I was trying to do. I don't consider any character in this series a ''main'' character, it's more like the world's narration, and the reader has to figure out what the people are thinking, from what's not included in the dialogue. The theme of the story is Anime/Comic/Video Game, which I made it into on purpose, for narrative stats, and obscure humor. That's just the way I write.

[kmtolan]

That's just the way I write.

I'll be happy to help you when you are ready to write for others.

Kerry

[Chainzen]

I always ask for the opinions of others. I take what I've learned and insert it into my ''possibility box,'' which could then meld into my current writing style. Every writer has to write for themselves in some aspect, otherwise what's the point in writing at all? I always look for new styles of writing, because the world would be boring with no creativity. I want this to be like a movie script. Movies don't always let you in the actors' minds, and I like those the most.

[ElinIsabel]

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narrative_mode

Scroll down to "Third Person Objective". I think this is what you are trying to do.

I would suggest some novels to read in this for reference, but I can't think of anything off the top of my head. Do a search and see what you can come up with. The best way to learn a tool is to see how, and why, other writers have used it.

Objective is a totally legitimate, but fairly rare form, of POV. The reason it is rare is because one of the pleasures of narrative fiction, as opposed to TV, is getting inside the character's head, which is why most novels are written in 1st person, varying forms of 3rd, or omniscient/involved author. I don't want to discourage you from experimenting with objective it if you like it, but it might not be as well recieved by readers, and be aware of the effect it has and why you want to use it.

Maintaining that POV means no inner thoughts of anyone. And you do have a few of those in your excerpt.

Some other comments:

One thing that you have a knack for is showing on the level of the senses. Screeching, hissing, etc. Your writing is visual and sense oriented in many places. That is good. That is what "showing" is - using concrete language and description as opposed to abstract language. Even if you are telling the story from the POV of an outside narrator and not a POV character, concrete language is still important to create the world of your story, or the "fictional dream". Appeal to the senses.

However, in some places you interpret with abstract words (like beautiful), and especially if you are an objective narrator trying to create a sensual picture for the reader, these will not usually be effective. They are not totally anathema, everything in fiction has a use. I remember a particular instance in the Two Towers, for example when Tolkien writes that "Gandalf was being quite testy" and it is hilarious, because he has shown Gandalf being testy, we all know it, and him telling us like that is funny. But you have to be careful with those. There are a few too many here. Telling is something that if you overuse it, it will lose its effect to suprise and humor.

You do seem to have a real disposition towards dramatizing as opposed to narrating -not that narrating is bad; as a reader I love great narrators and as a writer I have some narrative passages in my WIP - but it is for a particular effect and I don't think it is the one you want here. Develop your ability to dramatize by developing your use of concrete as opposed to abstract imagery.

Also, you use a lot of unecessary or redundant adjectives and adverbs. Again, they aren't evil. But as a general rule of thumb, they only should be used if they are needed. Most of the time, the right verb, noun, or even sentence rhythm and context will clearly convey your meaning. A good test is to take the adverb/adjective out and see if the sentence still says what you want it to say. Like telling, it is not evil, but if you overuse it, it loses its effect, which is why writers are cautioned.

That is all I can think of for now. Good luck. I hope that was helpful.

I know everyone has their own way of writing, but don't be closed minded to advice. Enjoy your experimenting, but also be open minded to suggestions.

There are some wonderful books on craft that are like big toolboxes full of toys to play with when you write. My favorite are the Gotham Writers' Workshop book on fiction writing, and Ursula LeGuin's Steering the Craft. They both lay out the full menu of options for writers, how to use them, and provide many examples.

Learning craft is not meant to kill your creativity or your uniquess. Think of it this way:

Imagine your writing style is like a pane of colored glass in a beautiful window, a different color than all the other unique panes of glass. Learning craft is like cleaning the dust off the glass and brightening the light behind it; it brings out the unique color even more, with greater clarity, and without obstruction.

[Chainzen]

@ElinIsabel:
Third person objective is probably what my writing style is closest to, and it's brand new knowledge to me!

I'll have to work out the parts of the chapter where you're let into the characters' minds. This is a unique style that I didn't even know existed yet, but that's great! This is how I write best.

Thanks for your help!

@Kerry:
I strive to write for others, but I have to include my own style.

[Chainzen]

Have there been many novels written only in narration? 1st or 3rd person would both help.

[ElinIsabel]

Have there been many novels written only in narration? 1st or 3rd person would both help.

You mean 3rd objective? I don't think it is that common. As I mentioned before, readers usually want to get into their character's heads, so it is not that popular a POV. I can't think of any books off the top of my head that are written in it. It is very journalistic.

If you want to write in it, I would do some research. And understand the pitfalls.

If you need to get in your character's heads, you really may want to take some of Kerry's suggestions and give 3rd Limited a try. It doesn't mean you have to sacrifice your "style"; you can just try it out with a few passages and see if you like it. 3rd Limited involves showing a scene from deep within a single character's POV, through what they feel and experience. There are a lot of writers here who write in it, and many novels in it, so there is a lot to learn from.

I actually think it would be fascinating to read a novel whose chapters alternated between totally objective, exterior-action-only chapters and really deep, 3rd limited chapters that dove into the characters' heads one at a time. That might be stylistically a little avant garde but it would be interesting.

Omniscent is another option, where the story is narrated by a narrator who can see inside all characters at once, but it might be a little chaotic for your story. You can try it, but for you I would try 3rd limited first and see if you like that. I'm honestly not seeing Omniscent go down well with your style and story. It is the hardest POV to write in, and as much as I love it, it is not for everyone.

I don't think you are narrating. You are dramatizing, you just aren't clear whose POV you are dramatizing through (a particular POV character, a narrator outside the characters, etc). And you are using a few too many adjectives, adverbs, and abstract "telling" words that make the drama less visceral for the reader. A reader doesn't want to be told that someone was beautiful or powerful or whatever; they want to be shown that through actions and descriptions that appeal to the five senses.

You do do a lot of appealing to the senses. Build on that. Do more.

And no, no novel is only narration...or only dramatization. All novels are a mix of the two. Some novels lean more towards narration and others lean more towards dramatization.

I would really get a good book on writing craft, study it, and get some enjoyment out of playing around with it to see what suits your style. When I first started checking out craft books I had so much fun learning about all the different writing tools a writer could use and what effect they could use them for. A good style is uniquely your own, but also informed by the established tools of "craft".

Edit: I would also read A LOT of fiction. You talk about anime, comics, and video games as being your inspiration, but narrative fiction is a totally different medium than those. Don't dump those as inspirations, but read a lot of books and see what works in fiction and how you can integrate it with your style and your interests.

Most of my initial inspiration was hiking in the woods and growing up on a farm with animals. When I first started writing there were a lot of lengthy descriptions of flora and fauna and woodland realms interspersed with the oh so melodramatic teenage characters you would expect from a 16 year old girl (it was bad, it was so so bad LOL). When I was in college I added my studies as a double theology/english major to my "inspirations" and it got worse becaue now everything symbolized something in the great Economia of Salvation. (or to paraphrase Ursula LeGuin, it was full of gerbils).

I always was a prolific reader, but I never understood what made fiction fiction as opposed to romantic exposition or existential musings until I started to really study craft and read with an analytical eye.

I was able to inform my raw "style" with both maturity and what was appropriate to the medium of written fiction, and it got way better (now it is more "developing amatuer" than "so so bad"). I still have descriptions and lovely places, but they are at the service of the story. I still have drama, but it is more mature. I still have faint echoes of spiritual themes, but now they are questions asked rather than answers given, and subservient to the story.