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182
July 16th, 2002, 06:07 PM
Hi everyone, it's great to be here! My question is if anybody had ever checked out this story "95 Z28" that I wrote on here a long long time ago.. just wondering what somebody thought!

http://www.sffworld.com/authors/m/monoogan_t/fiction/95z281.html

Let me know what you think! Nice to meet you all! :)

182
July 25th, 2002, 03:05 PM
Or nobody!

Ladijen
July 25th, 2002, 03:58 PM
I read this story awhile ago--quite a creepy little tale!

I liked the twist at the end, because I felt some sympathy for the guy at first! Your descriptions are effective, although I think that you might be able to trim the driving details a bit. One technical thing: he weaves in and out of traffic and passes cars quite often, but then later we find that it was a good thing that it was so late at night when all of this happened. Just my own opinion. :)

Overall, I really liked it!

(Just so you know, in case you didn't check yet, your story has gotten some ratings and at least one comment. :) )

choppy
July 25th, 2002, 06:00 PM
This was a good action-based story. You have a good twist at the end which makes it well worth the read. I think that you did a good job making the reader feel the speed of the car.

What caught my attention most about this was the oscillation, between liking and disliking the main character. At first I thought - what an idiot (I have a thing agianst drunk drivers). Then I began to sympathise with him as he flashed back to his delusion. Then It turned out, ah, I was right not to like him in the first place.

A few thoughts for improvement:

Names. It's a lot easier for a reader to connect with someone who has a name - otherwise the guy just becomes - well - that guy. This will make you characters more memorable as well.

The flashback was a little difficult to read at first. Maybe I didn't catch something in my first pass, but it took me a moment to realise he was in the midst of a flashback when the sotry mentioned that he like driving late at night.

Keep writing!

182
July 26th, 2002, 03:22 AM
Wow, thanks for all the positive feedback! LOL I had no idea anybody would enjoy reading it.. :) And thank you both for the EXCELLENT points you've brought up, I will DEFINITELY keep these things in mind.. thank you!!

Jack Burton
July 26th, 2002, 03:56 PM
Just read it bro.....nice imagery, perhaps some of it could have been trimmed a tad..liked the ending..nice dialoge betwen the cops....good job.

kegasaurus
July 27th, 2002, 06:21 AM
Just a couple of things. Firstly the story is quite snazzy, though as anyone knows, who've read my discouraging reviews I love detail, the more the better, but that's just me.

A couple of things I noticed and it is only nit-picking, the speedo maxed out at a hundred and fifty, yet we get the exact speed of the crash.

In your first paragraph you start you're sentences with three words. You use 'the' around eight times, 'he' four and I think there was one other.

Keep writing.

182
July 27th, 2002, 09:33 AM
LOL wow, you're right.. I didn't even realize it. hehe and it looks like the other word everything starts with is "his". I would have never have even registered that, thank you for pointing it out. Thank you for ALL of your comments, you guys are awesome!