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juzzza
July 30th, 2002, 06:27 AM
See 'New Idea' thread in General Discussion Forum for background.

http://www.sffworld.org/forums/showthread.php?s=&threadid=2976

Miriamele
July 30th, 2002, 12:22 PM
I read your story, It's Good to Be Back.

First, I liked your prose style. Vocabulary and grammar were better then some of the other stories I've read here lately.

And the story certainly starts with a bang--no boring introduction to wade through; the reader is immediately thrown into the action, and will probably want to continue reading to find out what the heck is going on.

I would have to say though that some of your paragraphs are too long; especially the last one on the first page. It's too much info to absorb at once. This is an easy problem to fix--just split some of your paragraphs into more paragraphs and I think the story would flow more smoothly.

Is this story part of a larger work? Because as it stands, I felt that some information was lacking. Maybe it's just me, but I didn't understand how exactly the main character got to the demon realm, and what that realm was anyway. And who was the guy who floated down on the block? It might be that the answers were there and I just missed them, but it seemed to me that the plot in general didn't make a great deal of sense. Perhaps you could flesh it out a bit more with a few explanations--a flashback of how he got there would be nice.

Your description is excellent though, if a little hard to stomach! Such graphic violence and language isn't really my personal taste, but taste aside you did a good job of it.

I hope this helps. I look forward to reading your next story.


:)

juzzza
July 30th, 2002, 01:17 PM
Thanks M, just what I am looking for.

I will certainly work on the easy fixes, but the plot problems worry me. I will have to revise with fresh eyes.

The man on the platform is attempting to summon the demons to complete a task, unfortunately he forgot the golden rule and paid for it. Even if you do remember the golden rule, you still pay in the end, as Lantol found out. He got to that realm by using the demons for a task when he was alive and when he died, woke up in the endless hell.

You are very observant. Lantol is a supporting character in a novel length ms, that gets killed off. I just grew quite attached to him and so worked on this short story to extend his life a bit. I have made a fatal flaw as a writer and made assumptions.

Because I know his history the plot makes sense to me (how selfish!), however I assumed the plot makes sense to readers who haven't read the novel, hence the holes.

I want this to stand alone and as such will take on board your comments with grace.

Thanks again.



;)

kegasaurus
July 30th, 2002, 09:34 PM
Originally posted by Miriamele
I read your story, It's Good to Be Back.

First, I liked your prose style. Vocabulary and grammar were better then some of the other stories I've read here lately.

And the story certainly starts with a bang--no boring introduction to wade through; the reader is immediately thrown into the action, and will probably want to continue reading to find out what the heck is going on.

I would have to say though that some of your paragraphs are too long; especially the last one on the first page. It's too much info to absorb at once. This is an easy problem to fix--just split some of your paragraphs into more paragraphs and I think the story would flow more smoothly.

Is this story part of a larger work? Because as it stands, I felt that some information was lacking. Maybe it's just me, but I didn't understand how exactly the main character got to the demon realm, and what that realm was anyway. And who was the guy who floated down on the block? It might be that the answers were there and I just missed them, but it seemed to me that the plot in general didn't make a great deal of sense. Perhaps you could flesh it out a bit more with a few explanations--a flashback of how he got there would be nice.




:)

Sounds good now my nit-picking.

Instead of 'h? Help', try h... help. That is unless you were asking h to help.

juzzza
July 31st, 2002, 04:05 AM
Yea, I saw the 'H? Help' part. That is unfortunately the way my text was converted. My ms did actually say 'H... Help.'

I use the speed upload option for stories on SFFW now, and make sure formatting is not converted into question marks.

Thanks for taking the time to read it.

Can a MOD change that part in my story??? Para 3 on page 2. I'll buy you a Cornetto Erebus you cheeky smurfin Mod.

Thanks :D

Erebus
July 31st, 2002, 05:40 AM
Sorry for the text errors there, but I just looked at your latest submission, and all the apostrophes etc. have come up as ?s as well, so I guess you must be pasting from Word, or using superscript etc. As such, we'll need you to redo it please, not pasting from Word or using superscript, as the instructions mention. It will take us too long to find them all one by one otherwise, and this method is supposed to be the easier one for us, hence the quicker time to post it. Sorry. :)

juzzza
July 31st, 2002, 05:43 AM
Ah ballocky!!! :mad:

I copied the text from WordPad as instructed and in the previews it all looked fine. Any ideas? Can you explain the superscript issue a bit, I'm a little PC illiterate!!!

Thanks.

Erebus
July 31st, 2002, 05:55 AM
Okay, that's when you use special text formatting like curly quotes and apostrophes etc. instead of straight ones - instead of " " . Hope this helps, or otherwise, just submit as an attachment instead and we'll make sure it goes up right this time.

Again, I'm sorry for the trouble. It's a weird glitch in the online text editor that doesn't convert the superscript, unfortunately.

manticore
August 1st, 2002, 01:57 PM
read your story as promised, juzzza.
well, i liked it on the whole. i never mind when authors make assumptions and i dont know peoples' backgrounds- i mean, how much of a character do you know even after an introduction, its what a character does in the story that really defines him/her

however i do think that the violence in the story seems to be aimed at shocking the reader more than fulfilling a specific purpose in the text...especially the first bit, where the demons are torturing him. didnt like that much. also you might want to think about the heros's way of speaking, make it a little more distinctive. just a random suggestion.

made any progress with the 'novel length work?'

keep writing!!

juzzza
August 1st, 2002, 03:11 PM
Thanks for taking the time to read it Manticore and for the comments.

I'll take it all on board.

If you mean the novella mentioned in the 'Taboo Subject' thread, Erebus is weaving his magic with it and I guess, deciding if I have crossed the line or not.

If you mean the full length ms that details Lantol's background, well that's been finished for a while.

How about you? Any novels in the pipeline?