[johnhallow]

I've been a lurker for a while but I only signed up today (I got tired of wanting to comment but being unable to do so :P). I’ve had people tell me my writing is good but it’s never really sunk in. At times I feel like a phony, or that I'm too young and inexperienced to be doing this, even though there are published authors younger than me. I like getting my ego stroked, a lot, but this time round it's much deeper than that. You guys are the fantasy community and so if I can earn your respect then that = success :D

So, here's an excerpt from my current WIP, which includes beings that humans can't see. I worry more about my writing than the story itself (as storylines change from WIP to WIP). Is this publishable, or do I need to improve before I think about submitting? (Not that I'm anywhere near a completed draft at the moment...)

EXCERPT
My mother led the way across the street to an old shop, a bulky Victorian affair with a crooked chimney and moss clinging to the front like an unkempt beard. A gap-toothed grin of a door sat beneath a crude brick arch. There was soft amber light filtering from the cracks between the ugly door and its frame.
A weather beaten sign read MARTHA QUAINT’S ANTIQUES.
“This is it?” I asked.
My mother nodded. “This is it. It should be open. Go on in.”
I thought about asking her if we should knock first, but I figured she’d know her own mother better than I did. The hinges squealed like the dead as I shouldered the door open. In moments I stood at the entrance of a very small room.
It didn’t contain much in the way of antiques. A rosewood counter took up the majority of one half of the shop, while two shelves and a long table filled up the other. The shelves were dotted with cracked statues and the table was littered with dust-coated trappings, ranging from battered red letterboxes to a badly rusted storm lantern.
Nothing appeared to have been touched in a while. I couldn’t see anyone either. There was a sturdy door at the far end of the room, and I wondered if my grandmother had turned in for the night and forgotten to switch the light off.
“I don’t think there’s anyone h–”
Something slammed into my right side, hard. I was thrown off my legs with enough force to roll across the floor a few feet. Before I could register what had happened, the same force landed squarely on my chest, knocking the air from my lungs. I felt five razor-sharp points prick into my throat. Claws.
“Oh, I’ve waited a long time for someone to sneak in here,” a voice hissed. “I’m going to enjoy this.”
I blinked. I couldn’t see anyone. I was pretty certain I’d heard someone speak, but all I could make out was the warm light of a bulb humming overhead. I squirmed in an attempt to get up but the weight had me pinned. I felt the claws sink deeper into my skin.
“Ah-ah-ah. I wouldn’t struggle if I were you. I’ll make your death quick and neat if you’re quiet. Now, which vessel do I cut first?”

[Laer Carroll]

Scans perfectly fine to me. Even has a certain vivid brio to it. The story as a whole is what would make it publishable. Is your plot too cliched, for instance.

Quibble: FIVE pinpricks on one's throat? I'd be pissing my pants and even at my calmest unable to count the number of whatever's clutching my throat.

[sdelu]

I've certainly seen worse in published works. But, that's just one very small excerpt. Who knows if you keep the same quality over an entire novel-length work? That's the challenge. If you can, then I think the writing itself is certainly publishable.

My personal quibble (which really means nothing, sadly, as it's just my own opinion): spread your metaphors out. Some people like writing with lots of metaphors one after another, but I think you should rely more on clever description than clever metaphor. Really, I just think "Squealed like the dead" is pretty bland and unnecessary after the likes of "like an unkempt beard" and "gap-toothed grin of a door." I'd be perfectly fine with the hinges merely squealing; they don't have to squeal like dead things.

[tmso]

Great piece. I liked it. I agree you can tone down the descriptions, but that's a style thing. You can hone it later. Keep writing, you have a lot of promise. :)

[Zuul]

I hate it... 'cause it's good.

;)

[kmtolan]

An excerpt is not enough for me to say this is good-to-go, but I'm encouraged by what I read so far. Your story will still need to be consistent, and the characters more than quick sketches. Neither determination could be made here, but this is among the best work I've seen at a first pass. Good sentence construction and highly detailed descriptions without a lot of narrative.

Good luck with this!

Kerry

[johnhallow]

I barely slept after I posted that!

This is the normal standard of my writing. I've been devouring books and online tips almost non-stop since secondary school, hoping to find some sort of magical advice to make my writing skills skyrocket. I'm starting to realize that your writing just gets better as the 'little' techniques you learn accumulate (I think).

I'm nineteen, so I also worry a lot about my lack of experience, but now I'm wondering if it's just another form of procrastination...

Scans perfectly fine to me. Even has a certain vivid brio to it. The story as a whole is what would make it publishable. Is your plot too cliched, for instance.

Quibble: FIVE pinpricks on one's throat? I'd be pissing my pants and even at my calmest unable to count the number of whatever's clutching my throat.

Great point -- I'll change that 'five' to 'several' :)

I've certainly seen worse in published works. But, that's just one very small excerpt. Who knows if you keep the same quality over an entire novel-length work? That's the challenge. If you can, then I think the writing itself is certainly publishable.

My personal quibble (which really means nothing, sadly, as it's just my own opinion): spread your metaphors out. Some people like writing with lots of metaphors one after another, but I think you should rely more on clever description than clever metaphor. Really, I just think "Squealed like the dead" is pretty bland and unnecessary after the likes of "like an unkempt beard" and "gap-toothed grin of a door." I'd be perfectly fine with the hinges merely squealing; they don't have to squeal like dead things.

Can't argue with that ^^ I was never any good at using metaphors so I used to avoid them like the plague. A few writers made me jealous enough to start trying them out again, and so I'm basically new to this. I'll definitely try to spread mine out some more. Better safe than simile!

Sorry... That was terrible. *Bows head in shame*

An excerpt is not enough for me to say this is good-to-go, but I'm encouraged by what I read so far. Your story will still need to be consistent, and the characters more than quick sketches. Neither determination could be made here, but this is among the best work I've seen at a first pass. Good sentence construction and highly detailed descriptions without a lot of narrative.

Good luck with this!

Kerry

Thank you! I saw your comments on another post and so I was especially hoping that you'd spot this and comment :) *cherishes post*


Thanks for your comments everyone! These were REALLY encouraging! Good luck with your writing, and I hope to see you around the forums from now on :D

[Sparrow]

My honest opinion is that it isn't ready for prime time.

I have a problem with the opening line... "My mother led the way..." followed close after with "My mother nodded." You've already established the relationship with your mom so no need to continue with my mother. Next, the pacing is way, way too fast. You haven't built any real suspense nor does the reader have any time to bond with the characters when all heck breaks loose. Take your time, draw the reader in, and then let them have it.


And I'm not crazy about the metaphor of moss and an unkempt beard... it doesn't really set the right tone for me... and you're going a bit overboard with the whole metaphor thing, I think. I thought the rest was pretty good, just slow it down some, give the reader time to acclimate.

[Cirias]

I thought your writing was great throughout and I wouldn't think twice at seeing it in print. I also had a few issues in the first section with the description, but you already know that so no point in taking it further. I imagine that, with a longer extract, we would connect with the character a bit more (especially as its written in 1st person P.O.V) and get to know them better before this creature is encountered. The surprise when they enter the shop was fantastic and it's the kind of "hook" that would get me wanting to read further.

Also, the fact that you're 19 is surprising because this writing is already mature and well-rounded so you've either been practicing furiously or have a natural flair! I'm 22 now, but at 19 my writing was so undeveloped and I felt I'd never get any better (though finally feeling content with my writing ability now). As you say, it takes a lot of practice and (in my case) a folder with at least 30 abandoned stories and prologues inside before you get better.

Keep up the writing and hope you make a success of it!

James

[johnhallow]

Thanks James! *cheeks glow*

Sparrow, points duly noted! If it counts for anything, the main character always refers to his mother as 'my mother' because I felt that "Mum/Mom/Evelyn (her first name)" wouldn't suit their relationship. This excerpt is from my WIP's second chapter, and so I've also remembered to properly introduce them beforehand :)