[Feacus Fidelle]

ok, here's the link to my new story:

http://www.fanfiction.net/read.php?storyid=896537

NOTE: I posted this a few days ago onto the Writer's BBS forum I frequent but, probably due to its length (4,400 words), it hasn't been critiqued yet. But still, for those of you who read my work (thank you so much!) this will give you a taste for what this new story is about.

[juzzza]

That was very disturbing.

It was well written and I wanted to read it through to the end.

My only 'constructive' critiscism is that there was one part that was a little bit unconvincing. The fact that the mother was prepared to leave her daughter alone with a piano teacher she had never met before.

More believable and actually a lot more chilling, would be if the mother was still on the premises when all that happened, just imagine!!!

Also the layout made it a little hard to read, I personally didn't like the underlining and the inconsistent alignment of the text (this is all just picky).

On the whole though... Quality :D

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P.S. I hope you get told off as much as I did for being mean to a little girl in one of my stories :o

M?

[Miriamele]

Juzzza you should reword the last line of your post, at first I thought it meant something entirely different and quite tasteless!

:o

[juzzza]

better?

[Feacus Fidelle]

Anyone else want to read it? ;)

[Jack Burton]

I did read it a few days ago, but did not have the time to give my 2-cents...now I do. I think you capture the pathos of Tom Williams's desperate situation quite well. My only nits are that some of it could have been a bit more polished..like the description of the white cop(" A white guy" sounds amateurish) for one instance, again, nothing major. The mom leaving the daughter with the "new" piano teacher did not seem realistic to me, but It drives the stories along, so someties you have to suspend reality, so to speak. The dialoge was weak in some spots, again just MHO..I find it difficult to criticize another's work, and who am I to do so...I'm a bit of an amateur writer myself..I wrote some Blade Runner fan-fiction and participate in a Blade Runner interactive story on Br.movie.com, and the only other thing I have written that was "published " as well is A Man Of Constant Sorrow that is on the sffworld short stories section, so I think that it is great that you continue to write, I think you have talent, I'm a voracious reader(just read 4 novels in the past month), so I see alot of different styles and forms of fiction and non-fiction, so my long-winded point is that I read alot, write a bit and hope that some how qualifies me to offer a bit of crtiticism regarding your story. Whew.(ps I really did like A Mother's Affection quite abit!)

[Jack Burton]

Sorry for the spamming, but I thought if you wanted to check out my work and crtitique it I am providing a link to the Short Story I wrote based on the film Blade Runner: It is rather long, so if you want to skip around, do so. The plot is shaky, but I think the dialoge and atmosphere are pretty good! Here goes:


http://www.brmovie.com/Fiction/SoG-00.htm

[kassimir funk]

"What else have we got?"

"Six DEMON BAG!!!"

"A six demon bag.... that's great!"


Sorry for da spam but the pork chop express had to be heard

Big Funk in little China,
Kassimir Funk

[Jack Burton]

LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Valada]

Some finicky points for you (just trying to help, these things would be easily changed):

1) No child who was learnt the piano for one year could play (let alone sight-read) Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata. Even prodigies would be hardpressed (we're talking maybe someone who has played for three-five years can play it, longer to be able to sight-read it).

2) Not at all uncommon for a parent to leave a child with the piano teacher they have just met. I was a piano teacher for just under ten years, and it happened all the time with new students (particularly if you're teaching in their own home).

3) Your fingers generally don't get tired playing piano. This is a really minor point, but it would be more realistic if the child lost concentration or got (possibly) sore wrists.

4) What I found unrealistic was the idea that (i) a woman who is pregnant would out and explain her marital status and sexual history to someone she just met, and (ii) that a man would ask a woman to come out and look at a flat tire (this may sound sexist, but I'm female and don't think any guy would willingly ask me for help if that were the case - there's the issue of pride!).

5) [This is probably the one that most needs changing, as far as I'm concerned:] If the cops straight away recognised that he was wearing a wig/false moustache, how come the mother, who walked around with him, talked, etc., and the daughter, didn't realise that they weren't real? You could probably have it so the cops don't say that, it wouldn't alter the story in any material way, but would make it more believable that the mother and daughter "fell for" the costume.

Having said those things (they are actually very minor), I think your writing style is great. You develop the story well, and involve the reader in the plot. Your psychological portrayal of the main character was very well done, and the story itself is good (interesting idea!). The use of the "internal voice" was also well done. You have potential - keep at it!