[BlueAngel]

http://sffworld.com/forums/showthread.php?t=31114

This is my first completed short story. It would've been a flash fiction in this month's contest if I'd kept it short, but I couldn't. I would appreciate any feedback on this piece.

I'm a tiny bit proud that I finished something longer than a FF. I hope it meets some amount of standards. Thanks guys.

~Lynn

[hippokrene]

Can I have a link?

[Window Bar]

Hi Blue Angel -- Like hippokrene, I'll need a link. I looked in the "stories" section, and can't find Chimera.

-- WB

[BlueAngel]

Window Bar, hippokrene, I apologize for forgetting to post the link. I can be such a dope sometimes. I surprise myself when I slip up with things that should be so obvious.

Sorry guys. :o

[kmtolan]

Two mutated humans escape their corporate captors.

Your story boiled down to its action points. Not much, eh? They plot to escape, then with some help, perform the escape and are chased by a last-minute creature.

For me, there was no real resolution. The escape was going to happen. What intrigues me are the other scenes I didn't see - the breaking point, and what happens next after their escape. What is there to leave me thinking? What moves this from being simply an excerpt from a larger story? Still, as a writing exercise this was just fine.

Your mix of dialogue and narrative was a problem for me. The narrative read as being more from the author hastily running through links between dialogue scenes. Pity. I would've liked to see that last amputation and Michiko finally deciding to escape. I'm thinking this story would've worked much better with a lot less narrative and more showing.

Some nits

The amputations were never enjoyable Who would enjoy them?

With one empty sleeve of her sweater hanging limp at her side, she made her way to the flat of Jesse Ashmore. Awkward sentence and passive. Switch it around and see how it sounds.

Michiko possessed a long cascade of black hair Makes it look as if she is carrying some hair.

drinking all 15. Numbers are usually spelled out.

"It's crazy," then he glanced at Michiko. Grammar. Should be "It's crazy." He glanced at Michiko.

These are the more notable examples - and your end sentence isn't really a sentence from a grammar perspective though I knew what you were reaching for.

Grammar can be corrected, and your sentence structure improved. Both require only education and practice. The difficulty for me was in a lack of story construction and narrative that seemed more Third Person omniscient than Third Person limited. It kept distancing me from the characters as if a narrator just barges into the scene.

Still, this is all just another step down the path, so take heart. All correctable. Your strength is your dialogue which is natural and not stilted - kudos for that.

Kerry