[dolthaic]

Hi Writers,
Noobie question here. I am beginning to write some fantasy fiction stories. At the moment I'm using single-view third person. I have multiple instances in my story where I want to zoom into my hero's thoughts.

A book that I'm reading suggests a technique like this:

//Modified for the purpose of this inquiry

--
Hero slammed his sword down on the rock in frustration. God this was insane! Why can't he win these duels like the other warriors? Mr. Bad Guy doesn't even have an ounce of skill. He is going to pay!
--

I like this much better than watching my hero 'know', 'think', and 'imagine', so to speak. I am not well read, and I don't see this much in the novels I am reading. I can see how squirmy this technique could get, but if I use it carefully it feels powerful. Would I be wrong to use it in a fantasy fiction story/book, provided I don't get sloppy with it? It seems reasonable to me, but I don't know if there are things like this that are avoided in the genre.

Thanks in advance for any input you can offer.

D

[kmtolan]

I write strictly in Third Person Limited. I generally (nothing's concrete) follow the following guidance on internalized thought:

1. If the thought is expressed as in dialogue, such as "I am not going to do that again." then the thought will be in italics.

2. Otherwise, it is per your example such as "Doing it this way was impossible."

Neither technique requires a dialogue tag such as "he thought". It's obvious. However, having stated that, sometimes the sentence flows better with the tag added, but this is a matter of turning a choppy sentence into something easier on the tongue (yes, I read everything aloud in my last editing pass). For me, this still is an exception, as I feel a tag redundant just as "he stood up" is (no chance he'd be standing "down", eh?).

Kerry

[dolthaic]

Hi Kerry,
Thanks for the reply!
Let's see if I understand you correctly. If I rewrite the snippet and use technique 1 it could look like this (?):

--
Hero slammed his sword down on the rock in frustration. God, this is insane! Why can't I win these duels like the other warriors? Mr. Bad Guy doesn't even have an ounce of skill. He is going to pay!
--

This feels the most natural for a close-up.


I write strictly in Third Person Limited. I generally (nothing's concrete) follow the following guidance on internalized thought:

1. If the thought is expressed as in dialogue, such as "I am not going to do that again." then the thought will be in italics.

2. Otherwise, it is per your example such as "Doing it this way was impossible."

Neither technique requires a dialogue tag such as "he thought". It's obvious. However, having stated that, sometimes the sentence flows better with the tag added, but this is a matter of turning a choppy sentence into something easier on the tongue (yes, I read everything aloud in my last editing pass). For me, this still is an exception, as I feel a tag redundant just as "he stood up" is (no chance he'd be standing "down", eh?).

Kerry

[kmtolan]

Hi Kerry,
Thanks for the reply!
Let's see if I understand you correctly. If I rewrite the snippet and use technique 1 it could look like this (?):

--
Hero slammed his sword down on the rock in frustration. God, this is insane! Why can't I win these duels like the other warriors? Mr. Bad Guy doesn't even have an ounce of skill. He is going to pay!
--

This feels the most natural for a close-up.

Yep, that would be it. I might add that my personal preference is for limited use of internalized dialogue per instance. I might chop that down to one sentence or maybe two. I'm not a big fan of monologues, especially internalized ones, so I'd do a little of both types here:

Hero slammed his sword down on the rock in frustration. God, this is insane! Why can't I win these duels like the other warriors? Mr. Bad Guy doesn't even have an ounce of skill. Hero grinned. This idiot was going to pay!

Kerry

[dolthaic]

Yep, that would be it. I might add that my personal preference is for limited use of internalized dialogue per instance. I might chop that down to one sentence or maybe two. I'm not a big fan of monologues, especially internalized ones, so I'd do a little of both types here:



Kerry

Excellent! Thanks very much. =)

[Laer Carroll]

I'm not a big fan of monologues, especially internalized ones ...

Not being a mind reader, I can only use my own experience. I very rarely internally verbalize.

The only exception is when I am preparing an important external verbalization and internally rehearse it. When writing a scene where a character does that process I usually just summarize the rehearsal, such as "She went over what she wanted to say in her head several times. She HAD to get it right."

Speaking of monologues, they do happen in real life, as when someone briefs an audience or explains something important to a friend, so we must write them sometimes.

But I've noticed that most real-life monologues are really dialogues where the audience (of one or more) is actively participating with body language, frowning, nodding, tilting their heads, slouching, sitting upright suddenly, etc. So I break the monologue up with occasional short audience reactions.

Alternatively, I've noticed good speakers who deliver monologues break them up themselves, with pauses sometimes or in other ways, to let the audience take in what they say in more easily digested chunks.

[hippokrene]

--
Hero slammed his sword down on the rock in frustration. God this was insane! Why can't he win these duels like the other warriors? Mr. Bad Guy doesn't even have an ounce of skill. He is going to pay!
--

I like this much better than watching my hero 'know', 'think', and 'imagine', so to speak. I am not well read, and I don't see this much in the novels I am reading. I can see how squirmy this technique could get, but if I use it carefully it feels powerful. Would I be wrong to use it in a fantasy fiction story/book, provided I don't get sloppy with it?

It's fine. The change in tense isn't though. Don't change tense in the middle of a paragraph.