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juzzza
August 16th, 2002, 12:54 PM
Right,

Remember my little Taboo Subject thread? Well, I listened but held true to my original idea and here is the result...

http://www.sffworld.com/authors/t/tee_jay/fiction/adistantbreezefallinghair1.html

Please read and let me know what you think... Thanks

Miriamele
August 16th, 2002, 01:42 PM
Excellent! :)

Honestly, this is one of the best stories I've read in a long time. It immediately captured my complete interest, mostly by the vivid characterization of Rouan--a very interesting lady, I think I like her!

I also liked how Master Jin added a touch of normality to the scene. His falling on his behind was especially amusing.

The swordsman and the king too are well characterized. Their actions and speech seemed very realistic to me somehow, especially the argument between the king and Rouan--well done.

I admit I was a bit confused when The Watcher showed up, because no hint of his presence had yet been revealed. And at the end of the story I still wasn't sure what he was--but I'm sure that was intentional.

As for the taboo aspect, it seemed fine to me. A fair amount of sexuality was present in the story (in thought and in deeds) but I believe you handled it tastefully enough. If you were to take it out it would alter the story--therefore, it's necessary.

A job well done. I sincerely hope you'll be writing further chapters of this story! You have real talent.

BTW, I'm sure you could get this story published somewhere. :)

juzzza
August 16th, 2002, 02:00 PM
...?

......?


..............?

Juzzza is speachless!!!

Thank you so much Miri, that truly is the nicest critique I have ever read for my writing...

(although Lifino is the funniest and I quote; '700 words! I LOVED IT!!! TOTALY RAWKED DOOD!'

There are more chapters but I have to take Erebus' advice and only publish a snapshot here to ensure I can market it... Shan has the other chapters if you want to see how it develops. I should warn you that the 'Taboo' element expands so your opinion of the more extreme scenes would be really useful.

Thanks again.

Holbrook
August 16th, 2002, 03:10 PM
Ok Juzzza,

I am going to crit this saying what I like and don't like, and things I think could be altered for the better. But it is in the end my opinion and you can happily tell me to stick it where the monkey does his nuts.....

Characters well drawn. You give enough to colour them in without the horrible info dump, also in a few paragraphs you give the relationship between them and the suitation they are in.

You handle the multi swing of POV from Jin to Rouan, back to Jin, then the King, etc through to the watcher very well. It does not jar too much and I could follow it well.

Now from this paragraph;

Now he lived for each night when the creature would sail over the Outer-Downs, move slowly above the bustling streets of Isris before phasing through the palace walls to catch a glimpse of his obsession.

I got the impression that the watcher's spirit, soul, whatever was riding piggy back on something. Yet the rest of the piece seemed to imply it was "his", Just his own spirit and towards the end the "magic" or what method he was using was through his obession, causing his own body to materialise... or was it? I think it could be cleared up one way or another. Or are you keeping that for later.

Bottom of page four I won't put the paragraph up here, but I was unsure on where the watcher was in relation to Rouan in the bath until the word "mouth". And I went Huh? how did that get there.....

This bit seemed a bit to "modern" and grated with the rest of the piece.

I had a very interesting dream, a little bit freaky

Though the multi POV worked well. But I found myself at the end wondering what the whole section would look like through the watcher's eyes, filtered by his obession. He would know these people well if he had been watching them for a while.

It could be erotic and very sensual to see the combat section through his eyes...

As to the combat, were they using rapiers? If so by forcing the blade down onto the stone you took the tip of it off...you..... :D

Also the "combat" could be made even more sensual as swords are very much a phallic symbol *g*

All in all the old man enjoyed it.......

juzzza
August 16th, 2002, 03:25 PM
Thanks Old Boy, that is very useful.

When you're downloading an idea from your imagination to paper (or screen) it is easy to make assumptions and take details for granted. So thank you and I will address the elements you highlight.

I am saving the origins and indeed, the species of the watcher for later...;)

Do you know, I actually stared at the 'freaky' sentence for a long time wondering whether or not to leave it in... I will replace with a more suitable word.

As for rapiers and the phallic symbolism of sword play... You weapons masters are in your own bl**dy world sometimes :rolleyes: :D

Thanks for taking the time, I will assimilate

:)

Holbrook
August 16th, 2002, 04:42 PM
Whew, I was a bit worried about doing a crit of your work and also Miri's as I have got to know you both quite well.

I thought I wouldn't do one, then thought why not? I am just glad you didn't think I was pulling "nits" I try to be honest, or at least put things as I see them when I crit.


You weapons masters are in your own bl**dy world sometimes

You said it ;), I once wrote a piece about making a sword, which was very *cough*

juzzza
September 6th, 2002, 09:37 AM
I'm Bumping this...

I'd like some more feedback.... Selfish I know. :(

Ladijen
September 6th, 2002, 02:05 PM
Juzzza, I really liked this story/chapter. At first I thought that it was a short story, but I'm glad to see that it is part of a larger work because I wanted to read more!

On the whole I agree with what has already been said, but I wanted to add a few things. Holbrook said:


Bottom of page four I won't put the paragraph up here, but I was unsure on where the watcher was in relation to Rouan in the bath until the word "mouth". And I went Huh? how did that get there.....

I also felt this way, especially since the watcher is described as a "creature." My thought was, why would a creature become aroused by a human female, and why would he be driven to that particular act? This may have been your intent, as you said that he/it would be explained later in the tale...in which case it is effective because it is a mystery to be explained.

Very solid characterization, too. I had a very clear picture in my mind of how each person looked and sounded; and Rouan is an intricate and strong woman who makes an excellent heroine (she is, right?). Jin added that touch of normality and humor--I hope that he has a continuing role in the story.

The only thing that struck me as a bit off balance was here:


Get out of this room or I will slit your throat." They both remained motionless for a few seconds. Diator sighed and left without saying a word. When his footsteps were no longer heard outside the door, Rouan fell to the floor and wept openly

I just couldn't see this ending to the argument, with Diator only sighing after all of his vicious insults and the slap, and with Rouan weeping openly--she seems like the kind who would try to hold in her tears and be angry at feelings of weakness. Just my opinion. :)

I hope this is helpful! You are a very talented writer, Juzzza--I think this story is definitely publishable!

Oh, and about the "Taboo or Not Taboo" question, yes, it is pretty racey...but not offensive or gratuitous. The sex is necessary for the story, and you handled it well. :)

juzzza
September 6th, 2002, 03:43 PM
That is great feedback Ladijen, thank you for taking the time.

I wanted to get across that Rouan is indeed a tough lady, but that she is also sensitive and although she would never allow Diator or anyone for that matter, to see a weakness, behind closed doors she needs to be loved like anyone else.

I will definitley take on board all the excellent comments and thank you for the compliments.

:D

juzzza
September 12th, 2002, 09:42 AM
BUMP

Come on guys, I don't ask much... Give it a read and slag me off.

Ta.:)