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Gagged Man
August 23rd, 2002, 08:54 PM
Hello, forum newbie here. Umm, I just got a short story I submitted posted and since nobody has sent me any feedback yet (**I want to be loved**) I was wondering if anybody in this fine forum would lend a hand. You can find it here:
http://www.sffworld.com/authors/v/vu_nk/fiction/italwaysrains1.html

Please help, it's my first story and I really want to get better.
Thanks,
The Gagged Man

Jacquin
August 24th, 2002, 08:46 AM
Ok I read it.

In general I liked it, it most certainly has potential. I feel that it is a little jumpy though and could do with a little more description about what is going on and where Parker is.

I realise the style is purposefully done to let the reader know the type of person Parker is but to be honest I didn't click with him. In fact I didn't click with the whore either. IMHO if you give a little more detail about him it will work a lot better. I find it dificult to read a story where I don't like any of the characters and I'm sure others are the same.

That being said I would read more if it were there.

I take it you are a 'Gunslinger' fan?

J

Gagged Man
August 25th, 2002, 03:12 AM
Thanks for your feedback, I'll keep making improvements etc. (maybe re-submit the story or something later).

Gagged Man

Forrest
August 25th, 2002, 08:48 PM
I thought it was well done. The writing was crisp, focused, and disciplined, without losing the ability to effectively describe what was going on. The only part I thought was a little sparse is when the cowboy killed the gunmen. I felt a little more descriptive action would have made it more believeable that he could kill five gunmen in a few seconds.

Other than that, it was poetic, sharp, and enjoyable to read.

Good job!:)

Gagged Man
August 25th, 2002, 09:43 PM
Thanks for the feedback Forest. I'll change the shootout scene (yeah, it was a bit too quick) but I don't really know how to script an action scene. Any suggestions?

Forrest
August 25th, 2002, 09:55 PM
Originally posted by Gagged Man
Thanks for the feedback Forest. I'll change the shootout scene (yeah, it was a bit too quick) but I don't really know how to script an action scene. Any suggestions?

I find that the best way to be intense and urgent with action is to slow time down in your mind and follow the events with excrutiating exactness, using metaphors to describe the indescribable little quirks movements, and expressions that occur within a scene. Here is a quick sample that I just pooped out so don't juge it on quality as much as general idea:
------
[original sequence]
Suddenly, five men emerged from the boxes like genies and sprayed the room with gunfire. Parker pushed Andrea to one side and she fell with a thud. He then rolled to his left and began to fire.

Bullets impacted on flesh with a liquid squish and the five men fell to the ground, their weapons following them in the descent. Now only the tenor remained.
------
[revised]
Suddenly, five men emerged from the boxes like genies and sprayed the room with gunfire. Parker pushed Andrea to one side and she fell with a thud. He then rolled to his left and began to fire.

His pistol whipped across his vision, the repeated explosions of the firing mechanism ringing in his ears with a resounding metallic song, reminding him of the clash of swords in a great conflict. The muscles of his torso strained and writhed as he threaded impossibly through the vigorous storm of enemny gunfire. With each second, as another of his sing song explosions rocketed into a foe, the maze of bullets grew less dense, his enemies dwindling in pace with his ammo.

Bullets impacted on flesh with a liquid squish and the five men fell to the ground, their weapons following them in the descent. Now only the tenor remained.

------

So that's an example of meticulously scripting an action scene moment by moment. But I'm not a real author so don't take my word for it. Its just an approach I use.:)

Gagged Man
August 26th, 2002, 02:34 AM
That was awesome Forrest. You sure you're not a real writer?
I think I get it, now; it's all in the details.

Thanks
Gagged Man