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182
August 29th, 2002, 12:44 PM
Hi, any quick little comments would be appreciated!! Thank you very much!


http://www.sffworld.com/authors/m/monoogan_t/fiction/usssacramento1.html

Forrest
August 29th, 2002, 04:19 PM
Here are my thoughts on the story:

The writing is good enough. I had good, strong impressions of what was happening, what it felt like, and where I was.

Oh, and I LOVED the plot twist after he drops his wife on the floor. That one really threw me for a loop and made the story entertaining!

My only real critique is this: It's not really a story, its a fragment of a story. Even horror has to have some kind of resolution. I felt like it left me hanging without explaining all the death and mayhem that I endured. I can deal with horrific concepts, but I feel like I need some kind of resolution in the end.

But that's just my opinion.

Other than that, good job!:)

Miriamele
August 29th, 2002, 06:42 PM
I pretty much agree with Forrest's comments. The story was interesting--I too enjoyed the surpise at the bottom of page one--but somehow it didn't seem complete.

I would have liked to know what was making the crew members either die or kill themselves, especially in such bizarre fashions! And what were they all doing on the ship to begin with? Was it the nature of their mission that made everyone go crazy?

On a technical note--I'm not sure about this, but I think that after 12 years a body would be nothing but a skeleton. (You mentioned decaying corpses and rotten smells, but everyone has been dead for 12 years or longer). Also, wouldn't the ship have run out of fuel after that long? Maybe it would make more sense if the ship was just drifting, rather than hurtling through space. It's important to remember these details to make the story realistic.

I hope my comments haven't discouraged you. I think the story has a lot of potential--you certainly have a vivid imagination!--but you need to add a bit of explanation, to make it more complete. I would have liked it to be about two pages longer!

Keep on writing,
Miriamele :)

user123
September 1st, 2002, 04:01 AM
It was a good story, a bit dark but that's ok. I do think it could use a little, very little editing. Not much, you just seem to use the same word a lot.

For MIRIAMELE;

While the smell from the bodies would be gone in less than twelve years, there would still be some flesh left on them. Thought it would be hard and dry like leather.

Sidwynspider
September 1st, 2002, 09:54 AM
I would agree with the others, this story shows a lot of potential and quickly grabs the readers interest with the twist at the foot of page 1.
Stylistically you write well, but on occassion go to far in reiterating points and overstating things. For instance:
page 3 - "He began to run. He ran blindly, not being able..."
The point would be equally well made "He ran blindly, unable to see..."

A similar point on page 3- "He had a panicky thought of, what the hell is going on here?" Whilst this is not wrong per se, it would be more immediate if you wrote (for example) "Panic gripped him, what the hell is going on here " Inverted commas around thoughts is equally valid.

Finally be more bold in your similies. Page 2 - "It had been a sliding like sound, similar maybe to a shoe sliding on the floor." Firstly, sliding is a perfectly identifiable sound, thus in "sliding like sound," the 'like' is superfulous. Secondly "similar maybe to a shoe," It's your imagination, was it or wasn't it like a shoe?

I hope you don't take umbrage at any of these criticisms, I really did admire this imaginative story very much.