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Holbrook
August 30th, 2002, 03:34 AM
I was going to submit this story to the site, but as I have one waiting to go up I didn't thing it was fair to others so I have put it HERE>>>>>> (http://home.arachsys.com/~chris/sue/All%20things%20Seen..doc)


I am not going to say anything at all about the story, save that is just under 2500 words and complies with the site rules as being suitable for 13 and above....

I want your honest impressions and thoughts on the work...... thanks........

Forrest
August 30th, 2002, 04:52 AM
Holbrook,

This work encapsulated, for me, the essence of what a good short story is. It nearly brought tears to my eyes at the end. It was very well concieved.

I loved the contrast between the sparse narrative of the archeologist's diary and the poetic lament of the woman from the past.

The end did a good a good job of not leaving loose ends or abandoning ideas laid down before it. I felt resolved and generally moved at the conclusion.

Excellent job, and I look forward to reading more from you.:)

Holbrook
August 30th, 2002, 06:06 AM
Thanks Forrest for your kind words.

The story is a bit of an experiment and I wasn't sure if it would work.

Jacquin
August 30th, 2002, 07:30 AM
I really like it.

But then you know that...

I honestly think it is one of your best pieces, you should have saved it for the competition, though I am kind of glad you didn't :D

Take Care

J

Cadfael
August 30th, 2002, 07:58 AM
Very Nice....!!!

Practically from the first paragraph you had my attention, and I had to carry on to suss out what was happening... the ending was unexpected... you did not give to much away... and I like that! One of the best I have read on this site!

On a side note... I feel sure you can submit as many short stories as you wish. The is no limit.

Erebus
August 30th, 2002, 08:20 AM
Refreshingly original, and very nicely done, Holbook! :)

juzzza
August 30th, 2002, 08:49 AM
Wonderful.

Get your editor to weave his magic and you have a winner.

When I see 'Ghost Story' even by authors such as Stephen King, I usually groan. What on earth can they offer that hasn't been done before.

Enter Holbrook.

Very moving, unsettling, very different from the other work you have shared with me, but still recognizable as your style.

Words aren't powerful until you weave emotion into them and you have this skill in abundance and use it with total disregard for, and vicious precision on your poor readers... *sob* I am very emotional right now *sob*.

:rolleyes:

I am a fan.

Sidwynspider
August 30th, 2002, 09:16 AM
Holbrook,
Experimental or not this is a very proficiently written piece; and I say that as one of those 'Scottish wolves' you so ruthlessly castigate. You adroitly manage to obviate the pitfall of one half being more interesting than the other.
I was wondering whether you had considered varying the writing styles between the two narrators; specifically adopting a more archaic form for the sections in the past. The format you have used has the merit of emphasising the resonances between the speakers, not to mention clarity. Nonetheless I cannot help but feel that a differentiation in the styles would delineate the characters perspectives more clearly and further develop the authenticity which you have already so admirably created.
A further point, I if I may be so bold, is the obvious one of proofreading. Nothing too serious, just the odd typo and the like. A slightly finicky point arises on page 7: "This George believes dovetales neatly into the fate of the village..." perhaps this would read better: "This, George believes, dovetales neatly..." Like I said, a minor point but it somewhat jarred me in the course of what was otherwise a perfectly flowing story.
Anyway that's my two cents worth. On the whole I enjoyed your tale very much.

Holbrook
August 30th, 2002, 12:35 PM
Thanks all for your comments.

As I said it was an experiment, I wanted to blend the past and present and have the "ghosts" not "ghosts" if that makes sense. Have both those in the past and present seeing the other as a film, not as a wailing creature in a sheet...

I did think to write the "past section" in a form of "old English" but.... well my modern English is bad enough *g* I am working on getting the inscription translated into latin so I can put that in.

Sidwynspider: Thanks for the grammar check. I know my grammar is my weak point. I look at pieces till my eyes cross. Alter, change and so forth and still get it wrong. I am relearning the skill slowly, but I know it will never be that good.

Also I am Welsh, so it had to be your border ;)


Jacquin: I was going to enter this in the comp, but I am on the reading staff, so can't...

Juzzza: Style? I never thought I had a style? I have never tried, save for this piece to write in a style. I tried to use a bit more flowing language for the past and a worklike notebook type for the present.


I am though, going to try and sell it.... But where is the question??

Anyone got any ideas????

Miriamele
August 30th, 2002, 12:56 PM
I'm sure there are many magazines which would print your story, Holbrook. It's beautiful! You know I always like your work, but this story especially grabbed at my heartstrings. The story of the two lovers would have been powerful enough alone, but coupled with the practical-minded, unemotional archeological dig from the present time it is doubly so. The contrast, not only in setting but in writing styles, works perfectly.

A real winner! :)