[pennywise86]

This is a query I want to start sending out soon, but I want to know if it's good as it is. Any constructive feedback is welcomed and appreciated.


Dear Agent,

I am seeking literary representation for my 98,000-word completed Young-Adult Fantasy novel, titled Child Of Dreams.

Every single night Adrian Moor sees his mother die before his eyes. For months, these nightmares have tortured him and besieged his daily life. He is forced to relive over and over again a bloody massacre that began before he was born.

Adrian’s life is completely uprooted when three strangers wielding guns arrive at his uncle’s inn and reveal to him that he is a descendant of the Ascillians, an ancient people despised due to their strange magic. Their revelation shatters the bond between Adrian and his cousin Connor, who suddenly regards him as something vile and abnormal. The gun-wielding Legionnaires tell Adrian that the king has need of him, and that the he means to make use of Adrian no matter what. For in the dead lands known as the Ruins rests the Source of Light, slowly dying, and only an Ascillian’s touch may revive it.

As Adrian sets out on this perilous mission he must come to terms with not only what he is but also the immense weight of the duty expected of him. All the while uncertainty eats at him, and he wonders if he can truly help save the people that slaughtered his race.

Thank you for your consideration.

[kmtolan]

It seems ship-shape enough. Keep in mind that you want to offer something that sounds different than all the other fantasies out there. If you have any previous publications or high-selling self pubs, it wouldn't hurt to mention that at the end.

Kerry

[tmso]

I like it too! The only thing is that the first paragraph of the story doesn't seem to have anything to do with the second or why it is important to the entire story. Is it just to give us insight into his character?

[Window Bar]

My opinion only... You're close, but not quite ready.

Every single night Adrian Moor sees his mother die before his eyes. For months, these nightmares have tortured him and besieged his daily life. He is forced to relive over and over again a bloody massacre that began before he was born.

The above paragraph has some redundancy and can be honed a bit. Something like:

In recurring nightmares and night sweats, Adrian Moore relives the moment of his mother's death, the moment he clung to her sleeve as she was slaughtered before his eyes.

The part of the paragraph that reads 'a bloody massacre that began before he was born' is unclear to me. A 'massacre' is usually a discrete event, such as the massacre of Jews in the Warsaw ghetto uprising. A war, a holocaust, or a campaign of extermination would perhaps convey the meaning more accurately. As it now reads, there is almost a logical inconsistency: The massacre began before he was born, yet he was old enough to remember it.

Their revelation shatters....

The word 'their' is out of place. As a possessive pronoun, it refers to the most recently mentioned group of people: in this case, the Ascillians, not the three strangers.

*******

There may be more of these minor problems, but although I like the general flow of the query, I believe the wording ought to be tightened and refined. A query can be tossed aside for the slightest grammar error or ambiguity.

Good luck, and enjoy the chase -- WB

[KatG]

I would agree with changing the word massacre to genocide, or, if it's just one event, changing the word began to occurred. Also, I would suggest the last line be "the people who slaughtered his race."

That this is a secondary world fantasy novel takes maybe a little too much time to be apparent. So if you can figure out a way to work in the name of the land or world that Adrian is in and such, that will let editors know what they are dealing with. Otherwise, in terms of laying out the central plot and theme and character, it seems in good shape. You could add a couple of details of cool stuff you have in the story to further interest.

[Window Bar]

I would agree with changing the word massacre to genocide, .

Yup, better than the words I suggested. -- WB

[pennywise86]

wow, thanks for the great feedback everyone, every comment offered great suggestions, which I am going to implement and repost.

Tmso, my intention with the first paragraph was to give some insight to his character and to also hint at the indecisiveness he feels at helping the people who slaughtered his race. Also I thought it would get the reader's attention right from the start.

Thanks guys!

[pennywise86]

I'm a little concerned with the last paragraph, fearing it might be too cliched. But I can't think of a better way to show Adrian's undecisiveness with what he is being asked to do, as well as the importance of their mission. Any suggestions?




Dear Agent,

I am seeking literary representation for my 98,000-word completed Young-Adult Fantasy novel, titled Child Of Dreams.

Every single night Adrian Moor watches his mother die before his eyes. In tortured dreams he relives the moment of her death, helpless but to watch as she is beaten and burned alive during a genocide that occurred before he was born.

Adrian’s life is further uprooted when three strangers wielding guns arrive at his uncle’s inn and reveal to him that he is a descendant of the Ascillians, an ancient people despised due to their strange magic. This revelation shatters the bond between Adrian and his cousin Connor, who suddenly regards him as something vile and abnormal. The gun-wielding Legionnaires tell Adrian that the king has need of him, and that the he means to make use of Adrian no matter what. For in the dead lands known as the Ruins rests the Source of Light, slowly dying, and only an Ascillian’s touch may revive it.

As Adrian sets out on this perilous mission he must come to terms with not only what he is but also the immense weight of the duty expected of him. All the while uncertainty eats at him, and he wonders if he can truly help save the people who slaughtered his race.

Thank you for your consideration.

[KatG]

Nope, leave the last paragraph as it is, I'd say. That's the thematic conflict. My only comments again are that you could sneak in that it's a different world from Earth when you first mention the Ascillians and you could work in a few more details if you want that you think would be selling points.

[Window Bar]

Every single night Adrian Moor watches his mother die before his eyes. In tortured dreams he relives the moment of her death, helpless but to watch as she is beaten and burned alive during a genocide that occurred before he was born.

Ahhh! I think at last I get it. I'm slow, but the agent may be too. If you move the phrase in tortured dreams into the first sentence, then even dull readers like me will immediately understand that he's dreaming it rather than remembering it.

Also, if the massacre was a single event, rather than an ongoing genocide, feel free to go back to the word massacre. But if it was an ongoing process, then make the change to genocide. Your recent substitution of occurred for the previously-used began makes me believe the killing was a discrete event rather than an ongoing process.

Best -- WB