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Shanoncia
September 2nd, 2002, 12:38 PM
Hi guys, I was wondering if you might be willing to offer some constructive criticism as the title to this thread might have suggested. I submitted a few poems... 'Anarchy Child', 'Trapezious and Latissimus Dorsi', 'White Willed Mare', 'I'd Really Rather' and last but not least 'The Murderer of Pain'. Some of them have a few typos (sorry) and some I wrote several years ago (and my skills have greatly matured since then)... nevertheless I'd really appreciate your advice on any of them. Oh, I suppose I should also tell you that my pen name is Azule Sky. :)

Thanks guys, you're great. :D

Holbrook
September 2nd, 2002, 03:13 PM
Ok, here goes I will say things I like and things I don't but poetry more than prose is about personal opinion and you don't have to take any notice of mine ;)

Anarchy Child...

This I liked. It flowed well, but I felt the third verse jarred with the rest. It went from a bitter cry to a bit too sweet. It some how lost it's punch.....

White Willed Mare.

The form and narrative I liked, it gave the feel of "dream riding"

Though I thought that it should end here after....
"leaving a trail of dreams"

Murderer of pain.

I won't say anything against I liked it plain and simple, the flow the subject and the way the words slotted together.


Hope that is of some use to you, as I said poetry is about feelings and I think you have caught them in yours....

Best
H

Shanoncia
September 2nd, 2002, 06:31 PM
Thanks HolBrook. I'm not big on the third verse either. You might be happy to know that I've changed it since it was last revised. :)

juzzza
September 3rd, 2002, 05:46 AM
I think you have talent.

And not just in the obvious sense :D

One thing that is really important to me when reading lyrics, poems, fiction or fact, is knowing the author feels it. You REALLY REALLY feel it and the words are powerful.

I think I said to Holbrook in my crit of the old boy's excellent ghost story, that words only become powerful when emotion is weaved into them (like weaving a tapestry). And you too have that ability.

God this forum has some talented people :(

Shanoncia
September 3rd, 2002, 12:38 PM
Thanks Love, but I think you are bias! :rolleyes: Seite il la cosa migliore! (italian ---> english " You're the best!")