Feedback?

[Ian W.]

Hello. Newbie here, be gentle.

er right. I have been writing on and off for a few years now (mainly off) but I got the writing bug back a couple of weeks ago and I am reviewing some of my past work. so........
Can you read this?

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The burning obsession of finding out his purpose in life wasn’t bothering him at the moment. The Outbreed was having far too much fun trying to plait the still warm entrails.
The task calmed him, it stilled his mind.
It was not as easy as he first thought, The pipes, which he had ripped from the discarded corpse, were long enough, strong and very flexible but he couldn’t get his fingers to carry out the delicate weaving technique needed to finish his artwork.
He slowly came to the conclusion that killing must be better than sex, not that he had ever performed the task of mating or ever will. He had experimented with himself recently and he supposed it would be pretty much the same. The Outbreed had done quite a few things recently, like dispatching seven heavily armed Velicion warriors, The corpses were hanging above him on meat hooks that the previous owner of this forgotten building kindly left, which the Outbreed found convenient and useful. The pipes were beginning to irritate him now. No he shouldn’t think like that, he should find it challenging. Although The Outbreed did see it as ironic that he could quite easily slaughter a small number of Velicions who are twice weight of him and three times taller than him, natural predators. Toughened hide, sharp teeth and formidable talons. The top of the food chain. Yet he couldn’t even plait three lengths of tubing together.
He looked down at his naked little body and chuckled. ‘I am a harmless herbivore. I am no threat to you’
Maybe he should try the guts from another body. He did have another six bodies to choose from and plenty of time.
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This is the opening chapter from the first book which I am going to finish.
The story is set in the Cluster, a hundred or so stars each one within a distance of a couple of light years from each other.
All the planets in the Cluster are ruled by two species who arrived here a few hundred years before. So far nothing has challenged them. Until now.

[choppy]

This is a fairly small piece, so it's difficult to really give you sound, solid feedback on, but I'll try.

My first impression is that this is a rather dark story. I really don't want this to sound harsh, but I think I may have really missed some things. What I got was that the main character - Outbreed - has just made some sort of kill of Velicion warriors and he is weaving their pipes. This seems to be an activity that he is taking great pleasure in.

My fist suggestion would be to tighten up the grammar a little. You don't need to capitalise the first letter after a comma. Maybe consider a different wording than "dispatched," when first describing what he's done with the Velicion warriors - to me that meant he sent them out to do something.

Your hook here is the menacing scene. I think in order to connect to the reader more, you need to ephasize the threat this "Outbreed" is. Okay, so no one wants to be a Velicion warrior around it. What's a Velicion warrior?

I hope this helps.

[Ian W.]

Thank you Choppy.

I should have explained a little bit about the story and the background first.

This is the 1st draft so I'm just trying to get the plot down.
The book is finished (In a way)

3 quarters in long-hand 17,000 words trancribed into Word and the last bit, (climax and ending) are in notes.
In fact I shouldn't be replying to this at all! And I should be typing the story. :)

Ok a little background....Be warned I may give TOO MUCH AWAY here.

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Imagine our world 65 million years ago. It isn't quite as the history books have shown.

Two intelligent races are at war. Both species evolved on different continents and only met a few centeries b4. (otherwise they would have ripped each other to bits)Both evolved from raptors (there the nasty buggers on Jurassic park)
Velicions (smaller, more intelligent)
Dionions (bigger, not ecxactly the sharpest tool in the box.)
It's gets to a point where a stalemate is reached, neither site can destroy each other without killing themselves. The velicions resort to genetic warfare.
They have been comfortable with genetic science for a while (different moral values to us) And are very advanced in the art. Creating their own form of dog-fighting for example. There is nothing quite as funny as watching two helpless looking small furry-things trying to kill each other in a pit! And betting on the outcome)
Anyway, the Velicions come up with the ultimate genetic warrior. Strong, fast, very intelligent. Looking like the most helpless pathetic creature they could think of. (about 6 foot tall, no tail, no hair, based on mammal DNA...stop me if the creature sounds familiar)
Obeyed commands without question but best of all it hated Dionions.

The Dionions got wind of this project and promptly stole some of the blueprints, made there own Outbreed(universal name) Trouble is, they cocked it up. There's was an obnoxious little bugger, a bit James Dean.
The two rival Outbreeds met, the Velicion Outbreed were corrupted and both stomped on their masters. What was left of the two raptor species realized that they had made a bit of a ...er poo poo. Escaped the system through the last remaining warp gate. And ended up in unknown space.

They called this area of space 'The Cluster' 100 systems, all within a couple of light years and all PACKED with little peaceful, plant eating intelligent races.

Imagine the invaders joyous surprise!

The story starts 200 years after they arrived.

The Vel-Dion empire have now had their claws firmly in the cluster worlds for 200 years now. But some of the smart ones are begining to realise that th economy is very close to collapse. The whole society is run on slavery. The slave do everything, build provide entertainment, prepare food...are the food. That is where the problems lies. The slave are being run into the ground. Dying in vast numbers.
because of what happened on homeworld, genetic research was banned, it is now a forgoten science or so most thought.
One Velicion scientist thought he could solve the slave problem by cooking a new batch up and using the old designs, he made one outbreed so he could run tests on it then render it down once he had figured out how to make a docile one.
er it got away......
(note) he found out that all cluster slave DNA was involatile....could not be changed.
The two main charactors are
The outbreed
A velicion Governer.
I ain't saying any more. It would give the plot away.

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The back story has also being wriiten into a book.
Two plot lines run through the story,
1. set in the past 65 million years ago. telling us about the wars and the Outbreed project.
2. set a few years from now, telling the story of human conflict and first contact.
Both plotslines merge at the end AND both books merge at the begining and the end...
Work that one out!
If you can guess what the Outbreed look like, I'll give you a banana.
(I said look like, not are)

[Ian W.]

Hello, I'm sorry for getting this thread *bumped*

But can anyone else give me some crit?

BTW, there is another extract from later on in the book caled
'Species - retribution' on here too.

Thanks.