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Se'dray-on
September 10th, 2002, 03:26 PM
This is the beginning of my main story and i would like everybody to critique it if they could.

Thank you.

"Parry, you mother lovin' son of a pig!" he screamed as Michael slipped past Gabriel's guard and smacked him upside the head with the wooden practice sword. Gabriel swooned and almost lost consciousness when Michael grabbed at him to steady him.

He shook his head in disappointment and didn't notice large man who quietly walked up behind him.
"Steve, how goes the adjustment training, my old friend?"
Steve jumped in surprise then sighed "Well enough my Lord, but they need time to adjust to the new manipulations. They are incredibly fast."
He paused for a moment and slowly spoke again "In fact, now they are probably faster than you." he said, quiet laughter filling his voice, but then he quickly turned somber once more. "But because of their speed they have lost fine control and tend to overbalance. Also, Gabriel has skipped the past three practices. The only way I got him to this one was to tell Michael to remind Gabriel that without training he could hurt himself and others and that he wouldn't be able to play any music insturments without fine motor control training." Steve scowled and said in a gruff voice "I have a pretty damn strong suspicion that it was only the third reason for his coming to practice today!"

Magnus Paen'Dragon, Lord of the Five Isle's and Master of the Paen'Dragon Estates, sighed. Gabriel, as the youngest child, was often spoiled by all members of the large Estate, himself included. He turned to Steve. "The boys will be at every practice," he looked over at Gabriel "all three of them." he emphasized.

Forrest
September 11th, 2002, 12:25 AM
Couple things I noticed:

I'm not sure, but I think "smacked him upside the head" is slang. Even if it isn't, it doesn't fit at all with the swords/knights motif you have going. Arthur Pen'Dragon doesn't smack people upside the head, he whallops them with his blade, or somesuch.

Your structure of quotes is rather haphazard, with dialogue taking place in the middle of paragraphs. You shoudl start new paragraphs for new dialogue.

Other than that, I would be interested in reading the story as a whole. Thinking about the guy being "Lord of the Five Isles" made the world sound big. It give it good dimension and made me want to find out more.

Good work.:)

milamber_reborn
September 11th, 2002, 03:30 AM
smacked him upside the head

Try: smacked him in the side of the head.



grabbed at him to steady him.

Him twice is repetitiveness. Perhaps: grabbed to steady him.



Gabriel swooned and almost lost consciousness when Michael grabbed at him to steady him.

Sounds like Michael grabbed went to grab him before he almost fainted.

Try: When Gabriel swooned, almost losing consciousness, Michael steadied him.


Hope that helps.

Pirate Jenn
September 11th, 2002, 04:12 AM
Opening sentence is a bit clunky. You might try beginning with Michael slipping past guard, then "parry, you...", then the swoon. Punches it up a bit and gives the reader space to absorb details. (someone getting smacked in the first breath of story--before dialogue--catches the attention)

surprise, and then sighed.

Michael's epistle of doings might work better if condensed.

As far as an opening scene goes, I found this intriguing. Of the three characters, Magnus came accross as the most 'real'--good characterization there. You do an excellent job conveying his slight exaspiration. :)

Happy writing. :)