View Full Version : Feedback?
September 13th, 2002, 10:55 PM
AlClad lV Hospitality
by Kevin J Waldroup
Why! Oh why! Did we have to bivouac on that moon?" grumbled PFC. Travis Anderson. "I've got sand in my boots, sand in my socks, sand in my underwear, and that is the smallest grain sand I have ever seen."
September 15th, 2002, 12:08 AM
Didn't get to read much. Something that caught my attention straight away was the use of numbers. They should be written in full, not as numerals. (Just my opinion)
September 15th, 2002, 01:10 PM
Well, I'm always up for a little military SF, so without pulling any punches, here goes . . .
1. I was a little disappointed that this ended in mid-sentence. Was this just a posting problem? If this is meant to be part of a larger work, it might work better to provide say a full chapter at a time.
2. On first pass, I was under the impression they were still on the moon - and our moon at that. On second pass I realise that you intended something different, but you may want to make this point a little more clear for the reader.
3. I've found what works best in military SF is to start out with full name and rank, but then shorten the character reference to on name, rather than repeating the full string (ie. Lt. Rex McLane) consistently. Of course sometimes you have to balance this with the necessity of reminding the reader who each character is.
4. I'm not one hundred percent sure on this, but I think J. Jonah Jameson is Peter Parker's (Spiderman's) newspaper boss. You might run into some copyright issues there.
5. "The guard did walk by, but just as he stepped on his 3rd leg, he turned abruptly . . . " okay I suppose I should have known better reading an SF story, but where I'm from the "3rd leg" is slang for the male genetalia. I'm sure I'd be doing more than just turning abruptly if somene stepped on my third leg!:D
6. Overall I think you have something to work with here. Try reading it outloud during your next edit and this will help you with the flow. I enjoyed the opening - soldiers complain a lot - mostly because they are asked to work in some of the most unpleasant conditions in the world. Thus, this had a hint of realism to it.
September 23rd, 2002, 01:09 AM
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