View Full Version : Please?
September 17th, 2002, 12:43 PM
If any of you have some free time and like to read, could you please readf and submit a review of my short story/stories I have posted! If it is not too much to ask that is!
It will be under Johnston....Thank you all!:D
September 17th, 2002, 08:36 PM
I'm not very good at review writing, but here goes:
It was very good, I liked the description you put into the story and I found the character of Sasha interesting.
Overall, a very good story and I hope you will write more so I can read more of your stories.
September 18th, 2002, 11:47 AM
Here is Saria's Story for those wishing to post a review.
September 18th, 2002, 11:54 AM
Thank you juzzza! He is my friend!
:D :D :D :D :D :D ..........:-*
September 19th, 2002, 12:44 AM
What I read sounded very interesting, and the Kobolds are cool.
One thing I noticed, which I see in many amateur stories is tagging sentences together with commas.
eg. A spiny creature came out, seeming confused, they always were.
It should be: A spiny creature came out, seeming confused; they always were.
A spiny creature came out, seeming confused. They always were.
or use a joining word (or whatever the technical word is)
A spiny creature came out, seeming confused like they often were.
September 19th, 2002, 11:41 AM
I knew there was somethign wrong with that sentence but, I didn't know what so thank you for making that corections. I appreciate it!:D :D :D :D :D
September 19th, 2002, 05:59 PM
I checked out your story, saria.
Here's my take.
Overall entertaining. There are a couple grammatical errors that might just have been typos such as incorrect uses fo "your" instead of "you're" and whatnot (such as in "Is that all your capable of?" ), but typos aren't a big concern to me.
I had a hard time following a couple parts of the story...as if I'd missed something that you assumed I knew. For example; what does "unless they had on magic detection" mean? Is this written in a pre-existing setting in which the readers would all know what that means?
Also, with the kobolds in the beginning, I was pretty much lost in terms of what and why she was ordering them to specifically do what they did (standing on shoulders, etc.)
As a side note:
She felt the runes form in her mouth and roll off her tongue as if it were her cradle language, something she didnít have to think about to speak.
I was confused here, too. Runes are basically just written shorthand. You can't really "speak" runes since Runes aren't a spoken language in themselves (Runes were a general abbreviated way of writing whole words in any number of nordic languages with one small symbol, but there was no way to pronounce a rune, since its pronunciation differed on who was saying it.) You might want to change "runes" to "incantations" or "words." Think of Runes as Roman Numerals...when reading the Roman Numeral "XIV", you say "fourteen", not actually speaking "X-I-V". You wouldn't "feel the Roman Numerals forming on your lips", but feel the "numbers" forming.
Queeble anticipated the half-dragonís action and released the energies he had stored in the inn.
Did I miss a part about him storing energy somewhere?
Regardless, it's an entertaining story, and I think you've done a good job. I liked it.
September 25th, 2002, 02:46 PM
the plot of your story is easy to understand but the actual story is confusing.
you tell at the start what sasha is doing then i got lost when sasha started directing kobolds everywhere then when she froze it all got crazy.
are you saying that motion spell was put in by her friend...i would have thought it would have been protected by its owners(the sword i mean) Then all of a sudden you flip the story round to two other thiefs robbing the same artifact. Now that got REALLY confusing.
i stopped reading at page 4 the story was just too messed up for me-sorry.
i fink you should re-write it and basically make it more understandable.
and wastra runes can be spoken as words if you've read any of Mark Anthonys books you would have seen how he used runes for the magic system...and it does work.
saria take you time it does seem like you rushed it(your story) as i said edit it and make it a lot more clearer then re post it on sffworld.
sorry if you dont like my critism but if it makes you feel better when my two storys get posted on this site.(i've submitted them but it takes some time obviously) you can criticise them as much as you like the author name is: Marc Kelly. (if it ever gets up there.)
September 25th, 2002, 02:51 PM
I love the fact that you are brutally honest that was a;ll I was asking for! Thank you!
September 25th, 2002, 03:10 PM
I enjoyed it, although is this the start of the story? because you seem to have gone straight into a battle without letting the reader understand the significance of the magic weapons or who the half dragon pursuers are. One other minor quibble, is the dead but revived hero/ine becoming a huge cliche in fantasy? I think so and perhaps it might be worth just keeping her barely alive. Nice effort though, got any more?
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