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computer
October 12th, 2002, 01:30 PM
my story is finally up on site.

go here and plz review it. http://www.sffworld.com/authors/k/kelly_marc/fiction/war1.html
cheers marc

p.s incase i posted the link wrong go under author "Marc Kelly"

Rob B
October 12th, 2002, 01:34 PM
Moving to the Writing forum, where you will get the feedback you are looking for.

milamber_reborn
October 14th, 2002, 02:46 AM
Noticed something early on - repitition.

eg. He was in his late twenties; he was tall and well built. But he was a hard man. All the youth in his features had been forged into a steel like appearance: Cold and hard. He had brown hair and blue eyes and He had dimples when he smiled which wasn't very often.

I would suggest: David was in his late twenties. He was tall and well-built, a hard man. The youth in his features had been forged into a steel-like appearance, cold and hard. Brown hair and blue eyes completed his face, with dimples showing with his infrequent smiles.

Also: He had brown hair and blue eyes and he had dimples. There is no need to say he had twice. "Blue eyes and dimples" is more concise.

Hope you understand my suggestions.

computer
October 14th, 2002, 11:48 AM
cheers for that milamber reborn i want all the critism i can get

wat rating did u give it?

overall did you fink the actual story was good/ bad?

computer
October 14th, 2002, 11:56 AM
by the way my story is only 4 side long on thids forum so plz don't decide not to read it becoz u fink it mite be too long it won't take much of ur time if u read it

thaks ever so mcun



marc

milamber_reborn
October 15th, 2002, 02:47 AM
Haven't fully read it, but I'll try to find the time.

wastra
October 15th, 2002, 04:45 PM
My two sggestions are simple:

One, you use very short, choppy sentences.

For example, your opening paragraph reads:
Ten ragged archers fired into the ranks of the Orc horde to little effect. David ordered the remaining twenty-five footmen forward. He sat calmly on his horse surrounded by his cavalry. He didn't know how he could be calm when he was surrounded by hundreds of Orcs. But he had no choice but to stand and fight. A few miles down the trail were the elderly, the women and children and the wounded soldiers as guards. He was fighting for survival. All his life he had been fighting, ever since he was able to hold a sword.

From atop his horse amid the writhing masses of orcs, David could tell that his ten archers were too few to have great effect on the attacking creatures. Struggling to maintain an outward appearance of calm to boost his men's morale, David ordered his footmen to march forward to the archers' aid.

He glanced over his shoulder down the the winding trail. Somewhere in the dark trees, just a few miles away, the elderly, wounded, and women and children were desperately trying to flee into the hills. Any other man might have fled at the onslaught of orcs, but David knew that he and his band of defenders were all that stood between those fleeing civillians and the orc horde. He had no chance but to stand and fight- just as he had done all his life.


Otherwise, check for grammar errors such as sentence fragments, double negatives, and missing commas.

The story itself is fine- just touch up a couple of technical details

LaZea
October 27th, 2002, 10:10 AM
You can really benefit from critiques at www.critters.org
It's free and you get all sorts of people to email you detailed critiques of your work. It has really helped me out. I've been a member for a few years. You should check it out.

computer
October 30th, 2002, 10:54 AM
come on ppl can i have some replys on my story plz? it wont take yab long i thought i wud get loads of replys but i havent???

is there nowhere where i can get a lot of feedback?

enazwo
November 2nd, 2002, 02:58 AM
Just a point about courtesy. It would seem appropriate to express a response in the form of thanks for the people-LaZea & Wastra-who took the time out of their day to read your creation before razzing members for not meeting your response expectations.

Patience and courtesy may encourage other members to take the time to read and review you creation.

I understand the craving aspiring artists experience when they need that feedback, response, input, data, criticism. We all have it. It is natural of course, but you cannot verbally coerce people to reply; especially this group of free thinkers.

There's another site-that a few of us sffworld.com members interact-where you could get feedback. However if you expressed your brand of impatience the manager there is a very wise sharp site manager [pen] that "talks the talk and walks the walk" who might have an interesting response to your impatience.:)

So patience grasshopper.
enazwo
ps
I will read story this weekend then critique accordingly