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davie
October 16th, 2002, 11:23 PM
Hello all,

I feel kind of silly asking this, as this sort of request is often considered a faux pas in many online communities, but I guess you all don't mind, so I'll do the deed.

I'm new here, and I just recently had my first story put up, Duality (http://www.sffworld.com/authors/n/newberry_david/fiction/duality1.html). I'm not entirely happy with it, but I don't want to give you any ideas by saying in what ways I am specifically dissatisfied. :) If any of you would be willing to read it and give me feedback, it would be eversomuch appriciated. :)

Ah, and if you're on the page, you might want to read the poem I had posted, "Creature of the Night". I'm not asking for critiques of it, just pointing it out because I happen to like it a lot and think some of you might enjoy it. :)

Thanks for all your support. (This is a great site.)

Peace,
-David Newberry

enazwo
October 28th, 2002, 03:19 PM
davie

I have intended to respond to your request for awhile, since I had read your story "Duality" as part of my staff duties here. But I have been quite busy.

First off I must comment that it takes a certain literary moxie to attempt the redemption of your infamous main character.

I think you have succeeded in creating an interesting dialogue between your two characters.

Also I admire that you chose a homeless person to argue for hope and redemption to the most damned soul known to man. A nice touch.

Your story is enjoyable and original and I think it is clearly evident you have talent.

Though most short stories, as part of their nature, do not provide the roomy canvas to fully flesh out all the tale's components. With that said, I make the very minor observation that the ending felt just a tad rushed.

I also want to comment on the part where your primary character expresses his angst, frustration, and jealousy with us humans. That was an excellent passage.

Great story
Good luck

enazwo

davie
October 28th, 2002, 11:27 PM
enazwo,

Thank you very much for your reply. Your feedback is greatly appriciated. The ending is one of the parts of the story that I hinted at being dissatisfied with. I can't really defend it. It was written for a class several years ago (a creative writing class I took in high school) -- the end is a bit too... wishy-washy, I'm afraid. Also, I should not have named the young boy "Duo" (I was asked to but should have said no), because that name implies some connection with the overall message of the story, since it resembles the title. In fact, I think I tried to work it in, but in reality it had no connection to the original plot and should not have been included.

Thank you for your kind words about the story, and I am glad that you enjoyed it. I also appriciated that you liked the passage on jealousy -- that idea was part of what lead me to writing this story, and that you thought it was well expressed is heartening to a novice writer. I also appriciate your comments on the character selection. Once I got the idea, it was hard to resist writing.

Thank you once again.

Peace,
-David Newberry

davie
October 31st, 2002, 10:19 PM
Oops, stupid mistake: I did change the kid's name before posting it here.

I have a question though. Prompted by your feedback, enazwo, I have rewritten parts of Duality, mainly the ending, and changed the title. I'd like to resubmit it here, but it wouldn't be appropriate to post it as a new story. Is this possible, and if so, is their process in place?

enazwo
November 1st, 2002, 12:28 AM
Yes it would be possible but do you want it to replace "Duality" or just resubmit it as -New Title-(Duality revised)?

You could ask Dag to remove your original Duality then just submit your rewrite with new title as a regular submission.

Beers
enazwo