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Gallaway
November 12th, 2002, 02:08 PM
Hello all I am new to this board and writeing I have beenw orking on a story that's si-fi, Fantasy, and alittle anime. I would love it if anyone of you here could check my stuff out and give me some suggestions or comments on it. There is the site I put my stuff at http://www.m0onchild.net/evan/index.html it is my own site that I made spacificly for my story. :)

Arc
November 14th, 2002, 11:19 AM
Couple of things you should think about:

1) Tense! You switch several times in the first page from present to past tense and back again. You should pick one and stick with it - past tense tends to read better:

Past tense:

"Evan's father was really angry, so he tried to kill Evan. However he only injured Evan."

Present tense:

"Evan's father is really angry, so he tries to kill Evan. However he only injures Evan."

Mixed (avoid!!):

"Evan's father was really angry, so he tries to kill Evan..."

2) Make sure the reader has all the information - it got a bit confusing when Gavin started talking to Evan, immediately after he'd been dealing with some ape man - I had no idea where Evan had come from. You need to actually reveal to the reader that the ape man is Evan, before you continue with the story!

Gallaway
November 14th, 2002, 01:25 PM
Hmmmm....I thought I ironed some of that out because it use to be much mush worse. This is my first attempt at this kind of thing, in a way I was going for the past but with kind of a present feel if that makes sence. On the ape-man issue in a way it is known that Evan is the ape-man.


After Evan escaped he had Kiki lost contact and for the longest time she feared he was dead.


It wasn't till she heard rumors of some mad man dressed in a Zeon uniform, with the markings of an assassin that she knew he was alive.

I just didn't use the words ape-man at the time

Duarh
November 18th, 2002, 01:57 PM
Erm. . .you need to work on your grammar a bit. . .

For instance, 'writeing' isn't 'writeing', but 'writing' (topic) ;) I understand this may be a typo, but there's larger problems in the story itself.

Also, I think the present tense doesn't work very well for you. It sounds like you're just recounting events. You REALLY have to know what you're doing if you write present-tense stuff. I mean, I just LOVE doing present tense, but I have to restrain myself, 'cuz I know I can't do it well enough.

Gallaway
November 18th, 2002, 02:06 PM
Yea what do you expect thou it's my first atempt at doing anything like this so ther are bound to be alot of screw ups LOL. Some os it I am just recounting because I got most the idea for this story from what I remember of a game that me and acouple of friends played a few years back. Thank you for the comments and wise advice please keep them comeing and if you can maybe help me out alittle here and there. :)

Duarh
November 18th, 2002, 02:08 PM
read the 'new writer needing help' thread too :)

Gallaway
November 18th, 2002, 02:31 PM
hmm k thanks gave me some things to think about alittle

Gallaway
December 6th, 2002, 04:24 PM
Hey guys sorry I haven't been here for a while but I have been working on my story makeing the changes that you guys pointed out. I took both chapters down but if you guys would like just e-mail me or if you have it contact me on MSN Messenger and I can give you a copy of chapters 1 and 2 I wellcome any and all advice you kind people here see fit to give me. I am doing this story primairly for fun but I do want to make it a enjoyable story to read and maybe a story that would kind of draw you into the character of Evan. :)