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king gimpy
November 22nd, 2002, 02:39 PM
Hi people, I was just wondering if someone could go to my website, http://zidane-tribal.netfirms.com/Index.html and read what I've wrote, then possibly give me some pointers since this is my first real attempt at writing.

It might be helpful if you're a fan of the show DragonBall Z or atleast know something about it.

Thanks.

Richardb
December 4th, 2002, 03:45 PM
You have not had much luck getting feedback I see, and I have been very hesitant to do so like everyone else. My advice is this: keep working on it, take some writing classes, and perhaps study the writings of some published authors.
The story is a bit shallow and 'cartoon' like. The dialog just does not work for the situations, so focus on making it a bit more natural. Overall, it needs a lot of work.
Hey, the fact that you are writing and seeking feedback puts you a bit ahead of the rest! Keep at it, and it will improve!
Please don't take this as anything other than trying to be helpful. I did not want to get too in depth, really, just offer some very high level thoughts.
I think, by your profile, you are still in school? If so, then you have the lucky opportunity to point your education towards writing and writing skills, so do so!

Gallaway
December 6th, 2002, 04:17 PM
Hey Richardb I see where you are comeing from here and that's cool. In a way thou I beleave his story is suposed to be a little cartoonish he based it of a anime called Dragon ball Z. I think it's a good story but I think you kind of have to like DBZ to see where it comes from.

Richardb
December 6th, 2002, 04:30 PM
Yea, I know that it is a cartoon sort of thing, but the trick is for the writing to create that impression as its purpose, not as a result of needing practice. Work on both the desciptiveness, and the dialog as places where you can create the impressions you want, and the 'feeling' you are seeking. The goal for any great writing, even if it is 'cartoon' writing, is to suspend disbelief for a time. Transport the reader. The writing falls short of that. I'm not knocking it, I fall short all the time...;)
But do take the feedback for what it is worth and go back and write again, and again. If you write the entire thing a second time, you will suddenly realize it got better somewhere along the way... and then again.
It is a very hard thing, this writing. I have spent 7 years at it, to finish one novel...
Anyhow, I am not a publisher nor an agent... just a guy with an opinion that may or may not be useful to you!
Have fun, do what makes you happy.

Gallaway
December 6th, 2002, 04:40 PM
Yea that's cool I have been trying to do a story my self that I based off a anime style RPG that I once played a few years back. Since I am new to writing I know there are bugs in my work and I am honestly trying to work them out. I did have my story up on a page but I took it down about a week ago to address acouple of problems people from this board pointed out to me. I don't know how well I have been able to do this but I have been trying to make it so that as you read it the story kind of draws you into the character of Evan Gallaway. I am always open to feed back.


As Evan glared at his father, he could feel a fire igniting within him. He didn't know what it was or why it was happening but he could feel his blood start to boil. Evan's father glared right back at Evan, showing no emotion or sign of remorse, for what he just did. The fact that he wasn't even sorry, served to intensify the flames growing within Evan, making his blood boil faster and harder.

This is one point where I tried to do just that. Make it so it draws you in and you can almost feel how the little 8 year old Evan is feeling right now. According to King Gimpy I did that fairly well but I'm always open to other opinions.