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Asraloth
December 13th, 2002, 06:48 AM
i'd like some opinions on the short story i have posted here. its called "When Harry Met Satan" It's meant to be a tongue in cheek comedy. just wanna know what people think.

thanks

kegasaurus
December 13th, 2002, 06:58 AM
here (http://www.sffworld.com/authors/d/doyle_m_john/fiction/whenharry1.html)

Asraloth
December 13th, 2002, 08:48 PM
yep, that's the one

davie
December 13th, 2002, 11:20 PM
Asraloth,

I much enjoyed your story. I can say quite truly that I didn't see that ending coming. :P The archangel lying to Harry was a bit hard for me to swallow, but I guess sometimes an angle has to do what an angle has to do. :) I disagree with Harry, I think The Odd Couple thing at the end is pretty funny. ;) I imagine Harry being Felix...

One technical note... On page 2, in the 6th paragraph from the bottom your capitalization of "God" and "Him" seems to falter. In the paragraph following that you capitalize "Hell" in "what the Hell"... I'm not sure about that. I understand it when referring the the place as a proper noun, but in that colloquialism... I guess I just think it's something you might wanna look at.

Not to start an off-topic discussion, but I'm also kind of curious about the biblical truth or absence thereof in regards to Satan's Bane. I've never read the Good Book myself, but I'm trying to slowly amass interesting tidbits as I go along.

I liked the little Gabe/Gabriel thing you did, BTW. Maybe it's me, but I do things like that too sometimes. I am kinda surprised with myself for not catching it... Again, I do wish Gabriel hadn't lied to him, but... well, it's your story. :) Other than that, I liked it. I thought your personification of Lucifer's character and tactics was great. I liked Harry. I like the catered event. :)

Peace,
-David

Asraloth
December 14th, 2002, 06:48 PM
the sword is completely invented. i'm no bible scholar myself, but i just had to come up with a weapon to defeat the prince of darkness with.

re: gabriel being a liar.

i intended it to be a sort of allegory to a secret service organisation, that gabe did it for the greater good and all that jazz. i guess that doesn't really come across well. but just remember, it's intended to be pretty campy, and, dare i say it, ridiculous.

davie
December 15th, 2002, 02:16 AM
Originally posted by Asraloth
...it's intended to be pretty campy, and, dare i say it, ridiculous.

I guess I just have a high tolerance for absurdity. :)

Asraloth
December 21st, 2002, 10:00 PM
can anyone else give me some feedback. i'm thinking of submitting it to a mag, so i'd like to get as many opinions as possible first.

Sidwynspider
December 23rd, 2002, 03:55 PM
This is a very entertaining story with a good premise. As a disclaimer to my pursuant points and criticisms, I too am still trying for publication and therefore really don't know terribly much about it.
I think there are two main difficulties with your text as it stands, for the purposes of seeking publication. (although both are easily rectified).
1.) When Harry met Satan may be a problematic title for copyright reasons. You're obviously good at thinking up titles (I'm not) so I shan't even profer a suggestion for an alternative.
On a related point your reference to Fergie (although I agree with you) may be skinning on pretty thin ice and a publisher may be loathe to allow that (defamation and all).
2.) Throughout your story it takes a fairly Christian moralistic stance; although the ending would suggest that you are not entirely committed to that position.
I don't think there is anything wrong with suggesting that modern life is increasingly individulastic and selfish and that these self-professed motivational speakers are encouraging this trend. However I would be wary about so overtly stating your views. I feel that if you spend a little more narrative time on descriptive prose and let the moral ethoes reveal itself in the course of the story this would sound less (for want of a better word) 'preachy.' At times the style reminded me of certain Christian pamphlets, go to:
www.chick.com and check out what I mean.

Anyway, as I've said on the whole I think this is good and you should definitely go ahead and try for publication (it's always worth trying). A final editing point: excessive use of the word 'guy' on p.2 in regard to the 'rich guy.'
Hope this helps. If you want me to read it again feel free to PM me, as I don't often check the main forum board.

Asraloth
December 24th, 2002, 07:54 AM
first of all, those comments were quite helpful, sidwyn, but i just have to say that i am not a christian nor was i trying to preach morality in this story. the story actually came about as the scene of a little guy dressed like a devil walking down a waterfront chatting like they were new friends.

i was just poking a little bit of fun at the whole motivational speaker/evangelist type conventions and stuff that seems to attract a lot of people (which i find a little scary).

i'm not getting all defensive on this or anything, but why do people get a little hot under the collar whenever you use the mythology of christianity in a story. i'm sure there'd be no complaints if i did one about the hindu or the greek mythologies.

again, let me say that this is not intended to be said with any sort of defensive attitude, i'm just clarifying what i intended my story was to be about.

p.s. about the legal stuff. i think i read somewhere that titles are not copywrited, unless a tm or something appears by their name.

and as for the fergie thing, all i said was she wasn't a royal, which is true. i don't see how that can be offensive to her or anyone. it was just a gag.

:D

not too much of a cheap shot i dont think.