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OgreWolf
January 3rd, 2003, 12:13 PM
Have sorted out a little part of my novel which I want someone to read.

http://home.online.no/~aulvesta/dragonpart.htm

Thanx

choppy
January 3rd, 2003, 12:38 PM
This is an interesting look into a character that is definately twisted. It seems like you have something to work with here as long as this character is some sort of antagonist. I would find it difficult to sympathise with him as is because his motivations are pretty cold. I also found it odd that someone who could take such pleasure in killing had a moral code that shunned stealing.

I had to admit at the beginning I thought the main character was actually a dragon. About half-way through I began to think he was a man. Some fantasy authors allow dragons to take human form as well. This is something that you might want to make a little more clear. (Of course if there is something in there a little more sublte that I missed then you can just ignore this as I'm generally pretty slow to pick up on those kind of things.)

You consistently refer to the character as "the Dragon." I hate to be a grammer nitpicker, but if his name is Dragon, then it would read better to refer to him simply as "Dragon". If he actually is just a dragon, then there's no need to capitalise.

One question I was left with was: is this just a random killing, or was this person a target? If the victim is a target, why him?

The end where Dragon picked up the silver and gold statue was a nice touch. It left me with a hint that this statue would come back to haunt this character as the story progresses.

I hope this helps. Keep writing.

Cephus
January 3rd, 2003, 06:28 PM
Originally posted by OgreWolf
Have sorted out a little part of my novel which I want someone to read.

I thought it was very well done. I do disagree with choppy though, just because Dragon is an assassin doesn't mean he doesn't have his reasons and justification for what he's doing. This is just a story fragment after all, I'm sure there is a lot of explanation elsewhere in the story.

Good job.

Se'dray-on
January 4th, 2003, 02:45 PM
Just going to point out a few things which I feel could be worded better. Your novel however, do what you want.


He kept his eyes unfocused, not watching the guard’s torch directly, if he did, he knew his night sight would be weakened.

directly, knowing if he did so his night sight would be weakened.


The alley still was as he remembered.

The alley was as he still remembered.


It had been some time since he had last visited this part of town, he did not like it.

It had been some time since he had visited this part of town, and for good reason, he did not like it.


then jumping over the alleyway, grabbing the ledge to one of the inns many windows.

a little discrepancy in tense. then he jumped over the alleyway, grabbed the ledge to one of the inns many windows.


A large man was lying in the bed,

A large man lie in the bed


to increase blood rushing through his veins.

to increase, blood was rushing through his veins.


of the game of life and death.

Just a suggestion, but maybe you could rephrase it "of the Game." Just an idea.


I am your destiny!” The Dragon pronounced.

pronounced - it just doesn't seem to fit in with the atmosphere you're trying to create. how about "The Dragon whispered in ecstasy."

Overall, very well done. I enjoyed it thoroughly. Will you be giving us the rest of the story anytime soon?

Anyways, hope this helped.

OgreWolf
January 4th, 2003, 03:03 PM
Oh. Thanks for all the great feedback. I am sure many of my strange sentences will be rooted out as I re-read it.

I actually have posted the rest of the story in a different post in the forum, but I might as well post the link here aswell.

http://home.online.no/~aulvesta

I have been told that the first chapter is not as good as the rest, it's about the first thing I have ever written (the prologue was written first, I am think it's good, might be strange language some places, but...).

And please, do read the prologue first.

And again, thanks. This really inspires me to continue writing.

Se'dray-on
January 4th, 2003, 05:37 PM
Just wondering, are you opposed to contraction? I read The Dragon, and part of your prologue and don't see them anywhere. Is it part of the atmosphere of the story? If there is a purpose keep it in, but if there isn't take it out, at places it disturbs the rhythm and flow of the words.

OgreWolf
January 4th, 2003, 05:41 PM
I only use them in dialogues. Sometimes not even in dialogues, depends on the character.

Cephus
January 5th, 2003, 12:22 AM
Originally posted by Se'dray-on
The alley was as he still remembered.

Isn't 'still' a little superfluous? It doesn't seem to flow. "The alley was as he remembered." If you must use it, "The alley was still as he remembered."

Cephus
January 5th, 2003, 12:24 AM
Originally posted by OgreWolf
I only use them in dialogues. Sometimes not even in dialogues, depends on the character.

I have one character in my current work that doesn't use contractions at all. She's very prim and proper and doesn't take 'short cuts' anywhere in her speech. Must be because she's a linguist. ;)

Se'dray-on
January 5th, 2003, 12:36 AM
I only use them in dialogues. Sometimes not even in dialogues, depends on the character.
I also have a character that doesn't use contractions at all, same as Cephus' lady, very proper and serious.

But I only asked because I didn't find any in The Dragon or the bottom half of the prologue I read. Most of the time not using contractions is okay, but there are some places where not using them interupts the flow of the story.