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I, Brian
January 6th, 2003, 08:08 AM
Well folks, if any of you are interested, I'm preparing to approach the UK publishing agents around Easter, when I should have finished with the rewriting/editing.

Feel free to have a read, and especially give comment - even more so if kind enough to use the relevant topic in my own Forum.



EDIT: a couple of people from another site have highlighted some problems with the POV. Taking the chapters down to address.

Thanks!

choppy
January 6th, 2003, 05:44 PM
I read the prologue and here are some thoughts.

I liked the imagery in the opening. It's probably okay to refer to planets and suns rather than simply spheres. The pace of the story moves along well. Basically this struck me as a piece about two military-type astronaughts who stumble onto something that's hidden inside a moon. What exactly this is has yet to be determined, but I think that you do a good job hooking the reader enough to turn the page.

I have a few suggestions as well. First, I didn't catch on to the neural messenger at first. You may want to take a little bit more time explaining exactly what this is. Without this explanation, the dialogue reads kind of awkward. Also Arlissa is female, yet Tuellian addresses her as "sir." While this brings back pleasant memories of good ol' Charlie Brown cartoons, it might read a little better as "ma'am." Of course it's your military though, so feel free to do what you want.

Further on the dialogue - "Houel, this is Delta Green One" - this is a little inconsistent. While she refers to him (her?) by name, she refers to herself by her callsign. She also refers to Tuellian by his name as well. If they're on a closed channel that no one else can here then first names are okay, but otherwise military types are pretty strick on radio-protocol.

"I've sprained the Jad finals," - okay, I think I totally missed what was going on here. (If you think it's obvious feel free to ignore me, I miss a lot of stuff.) The rest of this paragraph starts talking about Jeridian Knights. Is Tuellian a Jeridian knight? Why were they brought up?

Anyway, I think you have an interesting opening. Maybe I'll get to the rest of it later on.

Holbrook
January 7th, 2003, 12:39 AM
I haven't read much, will do so later. But a question:

Is it wise to put so much of your work on the net prior to approaching an agent?

Only I believed that placing on the net is classed as a type of publishing and have been advised against placing too much or leaving it there, if you seek to enter the mainsteam.

I, Brian
January 7th, 2003, 02:49 AM
choppy -

Sincere thanks for making the effort - and for raising some important points. I'll take a closer look


Holbrooke -

You certainly raise an important point, but I have been well-advised that I should be perfectly safe with three chapters - but no more.

The whole issue of electronic rights is still unresolved, however, yet still requires attention.

The main reason for posting the chapters is ask for last minute objections. I find every single critical comment invaluable. Perhaps I should reconsider the issue very carefully after any further feedback, to ensure that I I am abreast of developments.