v. short passage - feedback required

[I, Brian]

Hi all -

Got a printer for Christmas and printed out first chapters of the novel I'm looking to send out before the summer.

Trouble is, some of my prose is reading a little awkward on paper - more so than reading from PC.

I would therefore greatly appreciate comment on which of the following two passages works better:


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EDIT (material removed) - Thanks for the comments, folks - much appreciated!

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I'm a litte concerned that either the first it too cluttered - but also that the second isn't evocative enough.



(note to MODs - please do not edit down!)

[Aik Haw]

I,Brian:-
From a readers point of view, the second is much much better. The first is too cumbersome, too clanky for easy reading.

[Bardos]

I, personaly, like the first; perhaps, because I read it first. But I don't think there is anything wrong with either one.

The first is more full; the second is like the skeleton of the first. Depends on the style you like reading and/or writing, I think. More simple or more complex?

[Fyre]

Technically speaking the revised paragraphs are better. As Mark Twain once said, "If you find an unnecissary adjective, kill it. Make your sentences as short and to the point as possible. That is the modern way to write."

Even though I enjoyed your first passage it was too...long. I don't mean long in the number of words, but it did feel long. Look at Charles Dickens. All though he is one of my favorite writers it can be diffacult to wade through all of those adjectives and adverbs that just stack up on one another.

So, I belive you should stick to the second paragraph. Your work sounds very interesting and I would love to read more at a later time.

Fyre