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February 4th, 2003, 01:17 AM
I am working on a scifi/fantasy story at the time being. It is an interesting tale as I am putting my beliefs into the story (and boy do I have some weird beliefs!). The main character doesn't show until the end of the first chapter, but he is a mysterious outlander to a system of two rivaling worlds going through a renassaince period.

Here is the prologue (only a few paragraphs). Please give me some feedback.

BTW, the items marked like so <xxxxx> are things I have not come up with proper names for, but placed what it is in between the carats.


The universe is energy. Everything is powered by this force, holding the worlds in a delicate balance. This most powerful energy cannot be created nor can it be destroyed. Yet, it can be manipulated, bent to the will of its master. Those who realize this power are nothing short of gods.
The worlds <world1> and <world2> were entering a new era. After one thousand cycles, the worlds were going through a sort of galactic renaissance. This had pushed the rival worlds into a power struggle. These were hard times for the <system>.

Thanks in advance for the help!

February 4th, 2003, 03:16 AM
This is very short to give feedback... I can only say it's nice. :D

February 4th, 2003, 07:07 AM
Yes, it is quite short. I just wanted to see if it was understandable and didn't sound too far fetched.

February 4th, 2003, 07:09 AM
The idea of this universal energy is not as far fetched as I thought some may interpret it. I recall studying the different types of energy in everything and everyone in my phsyics class. So the idea of having a massive pool of energy in the universe does make some scientific sense as well. Never thought of that until a few moments ago...

I, Brian
February 4th, 2003, 09:11 AM
The universe is a massive resource of energy - and mass is simply a form of energy, stored potentially.

There's nothing far-fetched about the idea. It is mainstream accepted science.

Therefore your opening paragraph simply reads as an intro to a science text book. It is quite unnecessary.

As for the rest:

After one thousand cycles,

Cycles of what? Are they orbiting one another? This phrase looks almost pointlessly poetic. Ensure the term has a basis in your reality.

the worlds

You've already used this word. Try something like "they" instead to prevent repetition.

were going through a sort of galactic renaissance.

"Sort of"? You really need to qualify this statement. They either were or were not actively doing something. "Sort of" is very weak. Also note that the Renaissance itself was when humanistic thinking erupted from the social holds of religion, forever weakening it, with Europeans seeking a renewed interest in European classical heritage. Therefore a "galactic renaissance" becomes a meaningless term unless qualified.

This had pushed the rival worlds into a power struggle.

This part is contradictory - you say they were involved in a power struggle (rivals) then say that they became rivals (a power struggle). You are effectively stating that there was "x" status quo which became "x" status quo.

Also note - why would a renaissance lead to conflict?? Historically, the European Renaissance was never in conflict over the study of classicism - but instead over resources, rival political factions (often closely related), and especially trading privileges.

These were hard times for the <system>.

What does "hard times" mean? Unqualified.

It seems that the worse problem you have already is making poetic statements without qualifying them. Sure, you've got a whole novel to do that, right? Well, not really, because otherwise it makes your narrative voice appear weak.

You've made a start - that's always a good sign. Maybe try to think a little more on what you would actually like to convey.

And this is all personal opinion, nothing more.

February 4th, 2003, 10:03 AM
Thanks for the input, Brian. I haven't really analyzed it much myself so it is really lacking polish. But when I revise it, I will definately that your thoughts into consideration.

I, Brian
February 4th, 2003, 02:19 PM
Oh, don't worry too much - it's best just to write and then revise later. The longer you spend on a project, the more you find yourself noticing such issues yourself and revising them, until the polish is to your own satisfaction. At the moment it looks like early days.

I guess I was just suggesting that you could open with something stronger and more explanatory - but I wouldn't be surprised if, halfway through, you wrote a different prologue anyway.

The more you write a story, the more it opens to you, and helps push everything else into proper development.

February 4th, 2003, 03:56 PM
Yes, I likely will write an entirely new prologue. I have been considering having only one planet that this is based on. Why not two? Well, how often do you think these planets come near each other in their orbit. Why would they bother going all the way across the system just to reach these people?

BTW, the cycles thing does make sense, just not here. This world has a different set of units for measuring things. The cycles are the seasons more or less, and this world experiences two major seasons with brief in-between periods. A cycle is two seasons or a year. Just one of their units. I am making a reference section with a glossary and some appendixes (sp?) to bring the reader up to speed with these different people.