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davie
February 22nd, 2003, 10:52 PM
Hi,

I can't remember if it's acceptable or not to post short pieces for comment. I know longer ones are frowned upon, but if it's alright, I was hoping I could ask for some feedback on this little thing which I just wrote without any real context, save what hopefully comes out in the dialogue itself.

Thanks,
-David

      "Have you ever wanted to vanish into the night, be one with the underworld?" The timbre of the voice reminded Chris of an old man, but he didn't look past his mid-thirties. Chris just nodded. He looked Chris over, sizing him up physically and mentally. "I bet you have," the vampire said, voice tinged with a kind of disgust. "Do you get it, kid? Can you comprehend what it's like? Of course not. I'm sure you know what happens when you change: faster reflexes, keener vision, becoming nocturnal, the obvious teeth. But have you ever asked yourself why? Why those changes? Why not a stronger immune system or an elongated calf bone? It's because the change isn't from human to vampire, it's from prey to predator.
      "To hunt something you have to be faster and smarter. You have to be equipped for the job and the specific prey. Sure, humans hunt animals. They do because that's what they're equipped for. Vampires hunt humans, that's what we're equipped for. Do you know what it's like to take another human's life, you little Goth wannabe? It's saying that your existence trumps someone else's. It's the ultimate hubris. We spit at God, the very idea of the divine. And it's not some some stupid, psycho-erotic bullshit either. If it is I don't want to think about the hidden meaning behind all those squirrels and dogs and cats I've taken over the years. There is none; it's about survival. Yours above everyone else's. Nothing is sacred, only the blood."

pcarney
February 23rd, 2003, 09:46 PM
I liked it. Presents a new spin on vampires. I could see several directions this could head.

davie
February 24th, 2003, 01:43 AM
It's loosely based on Lestat from Anne McAffery's Vampire Chronicle books, of which I have only read part of the first. Same kind of anger. The whole idea of theology as it relates to vampires fascinates me. As I have this interest in vampires, the dialogue comes partially from imagining what one would say to me, or someone more deeply into the occult than I, if we were to speak to one.

Many thanks for the feedback, BTW. It's somewhat unnerving that around 19 other people have looked at the thread and not been moved to respond. Still, I guess their silence is better than their open condemnation. :P I appreciate your positive comments. I have a bit of an idea where I might want to go with it, but nothing definite yet.

juzzza
February 24th, 2003, 04:18 AM
I thought it was good, but I think you mean Anne Rice.

I, Brian
February 24th, 2003, 06:45 AM
Yes - nice speech. Like the notion of prey-to-predator. Thought you could better qualify the speech issue in the second sentence - why did it remind of an old man? Maybe just me being picky tho'. ;)

Your character is showing an anger I wouldn't associate with Lestat., who often seemed quite an effeminate vampire.

juzzza
February 24th, 2003, 10:45 AM
Are you basing that on the Movie Lestat or the book/s version I Brian? Although I think Louis would say something like that.

I, Brian
February 25th, 2003, 08:24 AM
The only Anne Rice I've actually read was "The Vampire Lestat". Louis perhaps would - quite bitter and petulent - but from the dialogue posted it sounds just a little too intelligent for him. ;)

davie
February 25th, 2003, 08:15 PM
Anne Rice, yes indeed... heh. Oops. :)

I only read part of Interview with the Vampire, but my memory is that a couple of times at least Lestat flew off the handle and was quite surly with Louis. Also, the fact that he was always pushing Louis to kill when he did not want to. (I'm not mixing up the names am I?)

Like I said, I've read very little of the whole cannon, but it just seems to me like Lestat would go in for the whole predatory idea more than Louis.

Then again, I'd be happy to have my own distinct character. ;)

Aik Haw
February 26th, 2003, 01:11 AM
Your dialogue is very good. I just feel that some parts of it can be modified to raise the level of suspense to a new height. I will note my modification here between <>.

"Have you ever wanted to vanish into the night, be one with the underworld?" The timbre of the voice reminded Chris of an old man. < Strangely he did not look past thirty, Chris noted. Oh well, Chris nodded as he shrugged the thought away >. He looked Chris over, sizing him up physically and mentally. "I bet you have," the vampire said, voice tinged with a kind of disgust. "Do you get it, kid? Can you comprehend what it's like? Of course not. I'm sure you know what happens when you change: faster reflexes, keener vision, becoming nocturnal, the obvious teeth. But have you ever asked yourself why? Why those changes? <Why not a stronger immune system? Or an elongated calf bone? It's because the change isn't from human to vampire." The vampire leaned forward, his breath frigid on Chris's cheek. "It is that of prey to predator.>

Shiari
February 26th, 2003, 07:38 PM
I like this section of dialogue but you might want to format it a bit so that's it's easier to read. And one sentence struck me as really odd.

>>The timbre of the voice reminded Chris of an old man, but he didn't look past his mid-thirties.

There's a dangling participle of something because I swear that it reads that Chris doesn't look past his mid-thirties. But then again, maybe it's just me.

oh well. I like. ^_^