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target_practice
March 4th, 2003, 01:59 AM
Hey hey, first time user and writer here!!

just wondering if anyone has read my story


Click here (http://www.sffworld.com/authors/m/michael/fiction/heroesoflight1.html)

sigh, the joys and nerves of being a first time writer, any criticism or comments can be thrown my way

thanx guys and girls

Twelve
March 4th, 2003, 03:35 PM
This isn't really my style of fantasy but I like your descriptions. I get the feeling that the story is going by very fast...however, it is rather hard to get a good story out and keep a slower pace in a short story.

a rancid decaying odour associated with Undead.

I liked that. I'm currently working on a story which has to do with undead and I just realized that perhaps I need to put more emphasis into how they might SMELL.

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IaNo
March 4th, 2003, 04:27 PM
ok, target_practice. I read the first few pages. I apologize that I don't have the time right now to read the rest. The most helpful thing I have to say has actually already been stated by twleve; the story is just way too fast. I understand, like he said, that it is hard to get a good story out and keep a slow pace. That's the problem with the short story form. I can't manage to do it either, that's why I only write longer works. For the story that you have I would encourage you to flesh it out into a longer one. The short story is just not working. Overall, your writing style is good, it's just so condensed that it seems rather amateurish. Keep in mind that I'm not trying to say it is bad at all. Like I said, I can't manage to get the short stories right either, I just feel like I'm writing one big info dump. I'll go back to your story later and see what else I can recommend. I find that perhaps you could center your story around the climax, if there is an appropriate twist in it and it lends itself to an autonomous form. You would have to sort of start there, then look into the past, then have the twist, the the ending, and would have to elaborate slowly on that part and get rid of some of the earlier unimportant details. Like I said, I haven't finished reading it, so I have no idea what I'm talking about. The other problems I found aren't worth commenting on, they are just grammar and typos, or awkward structure that you can easily fix with a revision. If you want me to look into them, let me know. Be careful, though, not to get rid of some of your more idiosyncratic writing devises that some might find strange and wrong, but I find interesting and fresh, such as "In fact, his prey was possibly and hopefully located in this town". I often write like that as well and I think it is great. Others will disagree, but you have at least one person on your side, don't change it. Things like, "There was of course however, a problem," however, are just bad. Of course, and however are opposite of eachother and make the sentece very bizzare and hard to read. It reads like a mistake, but to me, seeing the rest of your style, I think it was intentional. It didn't work for me. In fact, I would recommend using "of course," very sparingly and only when it is absoluely necessarily and shows something that has been repeated many times in the book or shows something about the society that you need to stress is always that way and nobody would expect it to be otherwise. It is usually best in dialogue; when thrown in other places in the plot it seems as if you, as narrator, are mocking your own book and saying of course about things because your work is a cliche and that is what had to happen. This devise, of course, you can also use, but make sure it is followed by a big surprise! That's all for now. Cheers!

target_practice
March 4th, 2003, 05:04 PM
Thanx for the input guys, much appreciated, am currently working on a new story and will keep these ideas in mind when im writing it. When this ones finished, i'll DEFINITELY post it up.


Also, what is the recommended length for a short story anyways? is 13 pages too long because ive seen short story's of all shapes and sizes

Thanx again

Twelve
March 5th, 2003, 05:12 AM
Saying what a "short story" is is quite hard. It's very relative. I think, however, it is safe to say that a 13 page story is a short story.

I mean, there are people who call Earnest Hemingway's The Old Man and the Sea a short story, and trust me, it is longer than 13 pages.

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