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Holbrook
April 5th, 2003, 02:16 AM
I have put up a small section of the first novel(the monster) I ever wrote, untouched and left lying on the hard drive for over two years.

I have recently dragged it out kicking and screaming and am re-editing.

Just to see what folks think of the original I have put part of it up, warts and all *g* for folks to critique if they wish....

It's here

http://www.sffworld.com/authors/a/adams_holbrook/fiction/llafnmeistrp1p1.html

Miriamele
April 6th, 2003, 11:22 AM
I found your chapter interesting right from the beginning. The carnage on a battlefield after the battle is over is an unusual place to start, and you did well describing the gore of it.

I like the imagery you used, especially the Huntsman clicking the "ivory shafts" of his fingers, and his wolfhounds with eyes the colour of blood. I also liked the way you kept mentioning the wind and its effect on the characters--billowing Moll's skirt and caressing Del Talbot's cheek. It almost felt like the wind was another character in the story.

I did notice a few grammatical errors (mostly having to do with commas), but I won't mention them because you said you're in the process of re-editing the story.

There were a lot of characters introduced in a few pages, which I found a tad confusing--not because the characters were all there but because the point of view kept changing. Since everyone in this chapter is eavesdropping on someone else, perhaps it would be appropriate to have the reader in this scene to be a mere eavesdropper as well. What I mean is, I think the chapter would flow more smoothly if the reader wasn't privy to the characters' inner thoughts, but instead had to infer them from their words and actions. I don't know if it would work but it's just an idea.

I can't help asking: Do horses really "fart in surprise?" I haven't spent that much time around horses but that seemed like a very strange detail to me!

One more nitpick: You said that Moll crouched down beside the corpse of the bay horse to hide. Isn't that the same horse that Del Talbot later "guided his mare around the remains" of? If it is the same then surely Moll would have been discovered. Perhaps you should make her hide behind something different.

It took me a moment to realize that the raven was the Huntsman but I got it eventually.

All in all, it's an intriguing beginning. Your vocabulary and imagery are very good. With a little rewriting for clarity and grammar it would be an excellent chapter.

Hope that helps.

:) :) :)

Richardb
April 7th, 2003, 05:42 PM
Just a high level drive by...
First of all, I enjoyed the story. The characterization and imagry are really solid, and I was drawn in almost immediately. At a few points, the imagry seemed a tiny bit forced, but that is really a tiny nit.
You spin a good tale, and I for one would like to see how this snippet could join in as part of a great story!

John
April 8th, 2003, 06:53 PM
I didn't notice anything obvious I would complain about, aside from the horse thing that Miriamele already mentioned. I think what you've shown is very good. At least as good as some of my favourite writers.

Soo... I guess I'll be seeing Holbrook Adams in the book store?

John

Kirby
April 9th, 2003, 01:33 AM
Interesting story Hol' :)

I was sorry to see Moll go.
I find it a little tricky to read what a character is thinking, just after he says something - sometimes the attitude shows enough in the dialogue alone.
I didn't pick up at first that Rupert was the uncrowned king.

"He still wore a maile shirt and chausses under a thick cloak, Rupert wondered if the man thought he would be called upon to fight again so soon for his King?"
- was the confuser for me, I thought "he" was still Rupert.

(yes, probably needs to be one of those grammatical tasks I know you love dealing with ;) )

Interesting beginning.
:)

Holbrook
April 13th, 2003, 02:37 PM
Miriamele: Thank you for your comments all noted and will be though upon I assue you.


Richardb: The imagry forced. Yes I agree I was trying to hard. It was my first major effort. If you want to risk reading more drop me a PM.


John: Thanks for the kind words... I do want to get published but don't know if this one will ever make it.

Tblue: Thanks for the comments. This story is the one I was writing or trying to when I ended up at the other place.:eek:

As for the grammatical tasks *sigh* one day I will be able to send them all to my editor *g*