PDA

View Full Version : dying for feedback!


SFFWorld.com
Home - Discussion Forums - News - Reviews - Interviews

New reviews, interviews and news

New in the Discussion Forum


Pages : [1] 2 3 4

ira-shanna
April 21st, 2003, 11:47 AM
ive submitted my story to here, its an old copy but no-ones given me any feedback, i really need it as i would like to proceed to the next chapter, and finish it so i can attempt to get it published, please give me the feedback that i so desperately need!

please take a look at it, its in the fantasy section, and its called Enaurakain; land foresaken.
And post your feedback here, its an old copy and so there are a lot of bugs in it, but there will be an updated version on here soon.
thankyou

choppy
April 21st, 2003, 03:23 PM
Hi Ira-shanna,

I haven't seen you around before, so welcome to the forum.

I couldn't find your story. There was nothing under the name Ira-shanna. What name did you write it under? If you want more feedback, it might help to provide a link to the story.

Some general advice:
While it's always great to receive feedback, you should keep going with a story (ie write the second chapter) regardless of whether or not you get feedback. Otherwise you end up trapped in a loop where you try to make the rough draft of chapter 1 "perfect" before you start chapter 2, and it becomes almost impossible to finish the story.

Cheers.

Thoth
April 24th, 2003, 10:08 PM
I read your story. The beginning is confusing. It's unclear which groups are allied/opposed to each other and why. A more detailed development of the motvies of the different factions would help the reader understand your point.
I would be careful not to overdevelop your ideas as well. Sincrain, sounds like an imaginative place but might be better described through the eyes of one of the main characters, possibly Maya, in the following chapters.
Basically, I suggest you refrain from giving too much detailed information all at once. Break the detail up so the reader can chew on it in tiny bites.
I don't want to sound too negative, I liked the image of the world and characters that you painted.
I'm not a pro writer myself but I aspire to be one someday. In my research I heard many times the following maxims to follow for successful writing.

1) Avoid info dumps.
2) Show, don't tell
3) Arguably - Don't use elves (unless you have a damn good reason)

Good luck!

Thoth
April 24th, 2003, 10:11 PM
Choppy,
BTW, I found the story under the name Tiffany Little in the fantasy section.
http://www.sffworld.com/authors/l/little_tiffany/fiction/enaurak1.html

Sirand
April 25th, 2003, 05:13 AM
The first page is just one long info-dump that could be written better. Nobody wants to read something like that. And the events that are described seem a bit hollow--there's so little detail we don't really understand why everything happens. You only state basic reasons. I suggest you start again and rethink how you're going to write the story.

John
April 26th, 2003, 04:25 AM
I think it was good but needs a little tweaking.

The start reads as a cross between the start of a Shakespeare play, a history book, and some weird VR simulation. In my opinion an information dump in the prologue is fine. It helps give the reader a little background to what is happening. It just hasn't been popular to do recently, due to the reduced attention spans of people ;) . The part that didn't work for me was the virtual reality simulation part. Where the story teller basically was showing the reader around as if the reader was there.

I think the main problem with the prologue is that you try and make the reader part of a historical account. Using the words "we" or "our" don't seem to fit in very well with history. The way I see it you have the following opinions.

* Either go for straight facts as you would read in a history book.
* A story teller's account such as a bard would tell to a group of listeners. I think this is what you were aiming for, but make the bard talk as if he's been to those places and is recounting them rather than the bard is actively showing the places. Shakespeare goes for the story teller's style.
* The history told by a character that participated in the history reminiscing or recounting (basically what Thoth was suggesting).

I think you have a good imagination, and paragraphs are written in a interesting manner that reads well. I enjoyed reading the first chapter, and apart from the story teller pretending to show me around the world I enjoyed the prologue.

John

ira-shanna
April 27th, 2003, 06:33 AM
Thankyou all,
As i realise the info dump at the beginning is hard to digest, but i had someone proof read it and they specificly stated i needed some sort of prologue type thing, as i said before this is an old copy, in which there are a lot of bugs. I have already erased much of the 'virtual reality' type of writing and re-written those bits and pieces.
And yes the events i outline in the 'historical notes/prologue' piece are sketchy, but i felt only a basic understanding of how the druican clan came about was needed, and deeper understanding was not really vital to the story.
*Thoth-I read your story. The beginning is confusing. It's unclear which groups are allied/opposed to each other and why. A more detailed development of the motvies of the different factions would help the reader understand your point.*
i hope in the rewrites this will become clearer.
*Sirand-The first page is just one long info-dump that could be written better. Nobody wants to read something like that. And the events that are described seem a bit hollow--there's so little detail we don't really understand why everything happens. You only state basic reasons. I suggest you start again and rethink how you're going to write the story.*
I must say, that although i feel i can take critisum fairly well, even if i have trouble spelling it (lol) i feel your negitivity is ill felt and you provide no real positive or constructive feedback, i would prefer it if you could review your statement and supply me with critisum i can use to help me improve.

Thankyou all once again, even though my confidence has taken a serious bashing, i hope i will be able to make use of all your comments.
However im beginning to realise that im never going to be able to please everyone, and there will always be someone with a mouthful of abuse directed at me,
hey, as long as one person enjoys to read my story it will be worthwhile.
Hey! im only 16 ive got plenty of time to perfect it!

Sirand
April 27th, 2003, 10:14 AM
You obviously cannot take criticism, ira-shanna. I told you what was wrong with the first page in a relatively kind way (try posting your story at www.sleeplesswhispers.com or the young writers section of www.hatrack.com if you want to see real 'negativity [that] is ill-felt'). What I said did not constitute a "mouthful of abuse." Don't be so sensitive. I didn't say anything nice about your work, simply because there was nothing I liked. Believe it or not, criticism does not have to be positive. If you listened to what I said, you would improve.

And remember, your age is no defense - we are judging your writing.

Also, I'm sure everybody would be grateful if you capitalized, and used the [ quote] and [/ quote] tags (but without the spaces).

mistri
April 27th, 2003, 11:38 AM
I just did a really long post but the computer ate it.

To summarise:

Do you really need a prologue? - you don't need to take the advice of the person who proofread it if you don't want to. Keep it if you want, but I did find it rather dull (I always find infodump prologues boring, regardless of the quality of the writing), as there was a lot of telling instead of showing.

Onto the story. There were some interesting and intriguing things set up here (like the stuff about the dwarves), but again I felt there was too much telling going on. I wanted to 'see' battle, rather than be told 'Quickly a counterattack was formed and again they drove the opposing army back relentlessly.' There was also an awful lot going on, with a very quick pace, and so I found it hard to keep everything that was going on, and everyone mentioned (races as well as people) in mind as I read.


Sirand's comments would've been better if he'd found something positive to say, but at the same time, I didn't feel they were rude at all compared to things I've seen on other forums. Remember, you don't have to use all the advice given here, it's up to you to decide what to integrate into your story and what to ignore.

ira-shanna
April 29th, 2003, 06:27 AM
Originally posted by Sirand
You obviously cannot take criticism, ira-shanna. I told you what was wrong with the first page in a relatively kind way (try posting your story at www.sleeplesswhispers.com or the young writers section of www.hatrack.com if you want to see real 'negativity [that] is ill-felt'). What I said did not constitute a "mouthful of abuse." Don't be so sensitive. I didn't say anything nice about your work, simply because there was nothing I liked. Believe it or not, criticism does not have to be positive. If you listened to what I said, you would improve.

And remember, your age is no defense - we are judging your writing.

Also, I'm sure everybody would be grateful if you capitalized, and used the [ quote] and [/ quote] tags (but without the spaces).

sorry, i didnt realise there was a quote button, and im not using my age as a defence, im merely stating that i have along time before i have to think about writing proffessionally and so my style and skill will evole and improve with age and experience.
I still feel your comment was too negative, i dont want you to be positive, only contsuctive, and your comment seemed too vague, i need to be told specificly what is total rubbish, before i can improve. even though its guna hurt . . . . lol. :(

mistri- What you said made sense, but i like the idea of a prologue, it helps me uderstand the world ive created, as well as helping the reader. Maybe at a later date i can scrap it, we'll see.
As to the telling rather than showing, ive been having a lot of trouble with that.
I'm finding, however weird this may sound, that im having to act the character out before i can begin to write from their point of view. *sigh*
And i would like to do more showing and perhaps draw out the first chapter.