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Hungry Jo
June 7th, 2003, 12:24 PM
I was wondering anyone could take a look at more story for me, it's posted on the site now, it's called "Fast Riser" by "J. Henderson" it's the first ever short story I've ever finished, and it's very short (Only about 670 words) so shouldn't take you too long, any feedback would be appreciated, (either e-mail by e-mail or posted here)


June 7th, 2003, 01:15 PM
I will read it if you could supply a link. I cannot find it.

Hungry Jo
June 7th, 2003, 11:57 PM

June 8th, 2003, 01:33 AM
Read the first page and its pretty well-written except for repetition. These are just suggestions that might help.


'Exciting' in subsequent sentences. Then 'excitement' as well. Just change one of the 'exciting'.

'he saw' twice in quick succession. Change one to 'glanced,' 'viewed,' or simply say 'the' instead of using the action of him seeing.

'metropolises or metropolis' used three times in two short paragraphs.

'he looked away' from the window and 'turned to look'

'He could tell what the first two were' simply from . . . (Sometimes you should state things rather than involving the character in the sentence)

He led Jason 'through' the maze of shopping concourses and offices before passing 'through' the rigorous security at the Presidential Quarters. (use ', then')

June 8th, 2003, 03:24 AM
There is some repititon yes, and a few misspellings (probably just oversights).

Overall it was an interesting quick read. Not quite what I was expecting there at the ending! :p

It was written well, but you should add a little more word variation to make it seem a little more fluid. It just reads choppy with the same words repeated.

Hungry Jo
June 8th, 2003, 07:24 AM
Ok thanks guys, sounds like I need to dig out a thesaurus!

June 8th, 2003, 03:44 PM
Okay, I had a little chuckle at the end - nice.:p

The world seems well constructed. The story is really short, so I don't think there's much to be said about character development. You have an interesting theme. I'm sure there are a few people out there who will look at this story as carrying some sort of dystopian message about current world politics.

I'm not sure you need to capitalise "The President."