View Full Version : My short story
July 16th, 2003, 08:40 AM
I should introduce myself - my name is Paul A. Ogilvie, and a loooong time ago I posted a short story here at sffworld, called THE NIGHT SHIFT.
And then I more or less forgot that it was here.
Anyway, the story has since grown up into a novel called THE SHINING PATH, and I'm getting it ready to send out to publishers. So, any critiques or comments would be most welcome.
Have a good day.
July 16th, 2003, 10:00 AM
Here is a link to Paul's story for those of you wishing to read and critique.
July 18th, 2003, 09:33 AM
I read your story yesterday and was quite impressed. Unfortunately, I hadn't time to post my thoughts at the time. I won't go into details now either, but just try to give you a little feedback. I hope it's somewhat helpful.
I remember having a few problems with the punctuation at times. Especially in the very first paragraph, which opens up with a rather long sentence. I don't think there's actually anything wrong with the gramar, but I just thought that the first sentence was a bit long. And the last sentence in that paragraph too, for that matter. As far as I remember, your story generally uses a lot of short and effective sentences elsewhere.
I'm not sure that the 'adult content' warning at the top of every page is really warranted. Sure, It's written in a rather rough language, which succeeds very well in creating a dark and brutal atmosphere. But the contents as such isn't worse than so much else. In some ways the tone and the content of your story reminded me of 'Mindstar Rising' by Peter F. Hamilton, and that's not bad at all. Or at least I don't think so :)
You said that you've expanded the story into a novel. I think that's a good idea. Although I do think that the story is able to stand on it's own, I also felt that nothing fundamental really happened. Sure, the story had conflict and suspense. Nevertheless, I got the impression that about half the story was there only to introduce the setting. And even the action seemed in some way "just" a way of further introducing aspects of the main character. In other words, I thought that it read at least as much as the start of a larger work as a short story in its own right.
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