[Expendable]

Originally posted by haim
I'm just writing to say it's not very nice of u 23 people that viewed my request and simply ignored it. It's really frustrating to wait for commemts! please check out my story! I'd be really gratefull.....

Thanks everyone and here's a link:

http://www.sffworld.com/authors/a/avihail_hm/fiction/gatheringofpower1.html

You're so impatient, it shows in how you ask me to review your story and it shows in your writing. You're treating your story like a history book or a bibliography. Everyting so passive, past tense, so condensed.

It's not the past for your wizard or the others, so tell it actively, tell it like it was happening now.

I like that your history lesson at the begining is only a page long but then you're constantly mentioning details that should have been in your history lesson, like the island, and have stuff in there that could be shown.

Rewrite your history lesson so it's only a brief paragraph or two. In the last sentence, mention the island and the two tribes, the Oogles and Grunes.

You can start at the rock, that's fine. But cut out the paragraph "How had he, Starfiuse, the most powerful man in "The First Earth Period..."." And when your wizard starts talking to the Oogles, that's where you describe how they look. Show us how they use nature for their own benefit.

Then later when we meet the Grunes, that's when you describe them. Show us how they're different, just don't tell us.


Rome wasn't built in a day. Take your time to tell this story right.

[haim]

I know I'm impatient and I'm very sorry.

As I assumed, your review is indeed very very helpful. I'll definitely take those advices.
Thank you very much!
Any more comments will be gladly welcomed, even bad ones!

Thanks again

[Expendable]

I think your problem is that you're thinking so fast that you're afraid your fingers won't keep up on the keyboard.

Take out the retoricial questions, add more dialog and tighten things up abit. Some good editing will fix alot.

[haim]

Thank u!
I was just wondering what retoricial questions u were referring to?

[Lucky Joe]

Hi Haim,

I just had a quick look at your story.

You've got some good ideas, and you've obivously thought about your world/scenario quite a bit, however it's probably not necessary to give the reader all the background information straight away. Often I find I enjoy work that reveals things to me as the story unfolds rather than getting it all out of the way in the beginning. But this is something you can work on in editing, put everything down on paper as it comes to you and then re-arrange it later.

Starting with the main character would to me be a better place to start as you're more likely to grab your readers attention straight away.

Just some thoughts, hope they help.

:)

[haim]

Thank u Lucky Joe! I'll definitely listen to a published author....

I understand it's pretty agrreable that the information should be given to the reader in a different way so I'll work on that.
I'd welcome more tips and criticism!
Thanks again...

[Expendable]

Originally posted by haim
Thank u!
I was just wondering what retoricial questions u were referring to?

"How had he, Starfiuse, the most powerful man in "The First Earth Period..." is a retorical question. You're the one asking it, trying to get our attention. Me, I already want to know why he's stapled to a rock, you don't have to push it.

[haim]

Oh I see... I get it now....
Thanks

[haim]

Well as I already have the reputation of I a patientless man I think I ought to live up to my reputation and remind u all that I'm still waiting for your reviews!
Come on....
Is my story so awful?
(remember- write even if u stopped after the first page!)

[choppy]

Hi haim,

Just as a thought, you might want to try posting your story at the online writing workshop (http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com/) . They have a pretty fast crit turn around over there, which pretty much guarantees you some feedback. The first month is free and afterwards a membership costs about $40 per year. I found that pretty reasonable for the amount that I use it.

(Mods - sorry for doing a commercial for another site - I hope that's okay. :D )

I'm not sure I'll have time to look at your story any time soon, but if I get a chance, I'll have a look. Are you a beginning writer looking for general critques of writing mechanics, grammar, suspense generation, etc., or have you been at it for a while and just looking for some opinions on the finer details?