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August 18th, 2003, 05:01 PM
Below is the complete rough draft of a story I may have posted about long ago, but it was in its early stages with only like two chapters done. Now the rough draft version is complete, but there are still some bugs of course that need fixing. Here is the basic, and I mean BASIC plot below:


The greatest sea mystery of all time is about to be revealed...

When tourist Brent Derringer takes a Florida boat tour in the Atlantic Ocean, he gets to see much more than what he paid for. When at first the tour seems to be running incredibly smooth and quite interesting, something goes wrong. A storm comes from almost nowhere, and a strange incident happens to the tourists... leaving them and their boat shipwrecked along a beach. They have no clue where they are as they leave the beach and explore inland. What they find and discover is the shocking truth of where they are... an alternative reality... and they then come to the conclusion that they had entered an area in the Atlantic known as The Bermuda Triangle, which they now know is a portal to this other world.

But even more terrifying is the creatures that inhabit this world, ones that could only come from myths, legends, and the imagination itself.

Join Brent and the other surviving tourists as they try to escape, in an adventure out of this world. They'll have to overcome challenges and obstacles never before imagined...

...and hopefully they will all make it out alive.


There's quite a lot more to that, and is not a mindless action tale, but I don't want to give it away. ;) Below is the link to the actual rough draft, and comments, suggestions, and constructive criticism is welcome, especially since I am now in editing stage. It took me a year and a half to write this rough draft, and I am 16 right now. Oh, and before I post the link, here is the amount of pages (estimate, depends on your printer settings and word doc formats) and words counted up by word count.

Pages: 227

Words: 99,505

Well, does that sound promising? :) I sure hope so. Below is the link:


August 21st, 2003, 01:35 PM

I wanted to post here for you and let you know I started reading your story. It's a shame you haven't gotten any other responses yet. I remeber hearing about this story you were working on a while ago and I was very interested in it because one of the novel's I'm working on also contains aspects about the Bermuda Triangle leading to another world.

So far I have been very impressed with the story (and I haven't even gotten to the good parts, I'm sure. I just got up to where they actually get sucked into the triangle when my crappy internet connection went bad on me.) I think your characters and your set up are excellent, and very rare to find in the work of a writer your age. I found the boy in the story particularly appealing as I am guessing he relates to you since he is your age and the other characters are excellent as well. The story needs a lot of editing of course, as all rough drafts do, but I see a lot of potential.

I'm off on a 2 week trip to Alaska in a few days buy I promise to come back and read the rest of your story and leave you a long critique by email. Keep up the writing, you have talent.

PS. I was eager to jump at the opportunity to read your manuscript mainly because I love novels but am not really fond of short stories and most critique groups online are either entirely for short stories or it's really hard to get a whole novel read. I've been having the same trouble with my novel so if you're ever interesting in taking a look at it let me know.

August 25th, 2003, 03:15 PM
I read a few chapters, and I plan on reading more. This is a good story, and I really REALLY like the concept/plot.

You are a good writer and you should stick with this. As always, there is room for improvement and a few little writing no-nos are committed, but overall I can see that you have the interest and the dedication to perfect your craft. Good job!:)

August 25th, 2003, 07:28 PM
Thanks for the comments, both of you! :)

Lucky Joe
August 27th, 2003, 08:37 AM
Just read the prologue and chapter one, and it's got me.

I really like the premise and your writing flows well. There are things that need tidying up, and you use the wrong words in a few places, in instead of and that sort of thing but I'm sure you'll pick those up in editing.

I'll read further when I get the time and let you know what I think, but as the others have said, stick with it, you've got talent.

August 29th, 2003, 09:53 AM
"Everything went black"?

September 20th, 2003, 05:03 PM
as in "everything turned dark", as in he was knocked out unconcious.

does anyone else have any comments on this? has anyone else even read it all the way through?

Colonel Worf
September 24th, 2003, 09:07 AM
I read the prologue.... good premise, but you could use an editor. :p