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Tasnek
August 30th, 2003, 05:30 PM
A rough explanation I plan to have on the back of my book...

White Tiger. Black Mist. Griffin. Three names of three different travelers brought up in a chaotic world where almost anything is possible. While the three have very different quests in life, they seem to adjoin together almost as if fate decided it. White Tiger, dedicated to restoring calmness and order in the world. Black Mist, bent on appointing himself ruler of anything he can get his hands on. Griffin, his life goal to destroy the most powerful man to ever exist. With the chaotic sense in the world, including powerful demons that suddenly are rising to power, you must ask yourself...who will succeed?

To me it sounds a bit corny, or something sounds off...I'm hoping to recieve any kind of help or advice, as I am open to all suggestions. Since I have the book already written, plot changes aren't quite a happening, so I'd like the explanation to basically say what it says in there, with as much interest to the reader I am able to contain.

Sirand
August 31st, 2003, 11:31 AM
If a you want to be published by a proper publisher, then there's a chance that they'll want to put there own on the back of the book. And if you want to self-publish ...? I'd at least try a few proper publishers. Anyway, back to the synopsis:

It sounds okay, if a little awkward: "Three names" is unecessary. The question at the end is a litle cheesy as well. It sounds okay, overall, but a little sparse with the detail. Very little about the world (but that doesn't matter too much) is said, and nothing about what happens to them, at last at the start.

Tasnek
August 31st, 2003, 03:25 PM
Well about explaining the world, most of that is done in the first chapter anyways...and as far as stuff happening to them...well i was hoping i would give a suspenseful vibe off...and as for the funny sounding parts...i know, i'm not quite sure how to make them sound..."unfunny"

Sirand
September 1st, 2003, 06:38 AM
Sorry, if this is a bit off topic but you just said that world is explained in the first chapter, which is a real turn off to a reader and definately not subtle in anyway.

choppy
September 1st, 2003, 08:37 AM
I'll throw in my two cents:

Your goal with this paragraph is to generate enough interest in anyone curious enough to pick up the book that they flip it open to the first chapter.

Your premise is good. This is exactly the type of thing most fantasy readers are interested in.


Three names of three different travelers brought up in a chaotic world where almost anything is possible.
You're telling rather than showing right here. What's chaotic about this world? And "almost anything" is a little ambiguous.
Describe the world a little. Is this a world where kingdoms rise and fall with the seasons? Or is it a corrupt world where the only law a man can rely on is the law of the jungle?



While the three have very different quests in life, they seem to adjoin together almost as if fate decided it.
In my opinion, this statement hinders your objective of generating suspense. "Fate" isn't very suspenseful when it just "seems" to happen. I'd say something about three three survivors with entangled destinys on a collision course with each other. This implies that when the three meet there's going to be foreworks.


White Tiger, dedicated to restoring calmness and order in the world. Black Mist, bent on appointing himself ruler of anything he can get his hands on. Griffin, his life goal to destroy the most powerful man to ever exist.
Good. Three distinct characters. Three distinct motivations.


With the chaotic sense in the world, including powerful demons that suddenly are rising to power, you must ask yourself...who will succeed?
I see a few problems here. What immediately jumps out at me is that you start talking directly to the reader ("you must ask yourself"). Again, this is just my opinion, but I would avoid a direct address.
There's the question of "who will succeed?" You haven't demonstrated how the three distinc goals are mutually exclusive - or in other words, why only one can succeed.
You fall back into telling, although the example of demons rising to power is a good "show" that adds some weight here, so I would keep that part.
Consider "powerful demons rising to power." If they're already powerful, why are they rising to power? Are they rising to more power?

In closing, remember your goal. Get the person who's picked up the book to open it. Draw on the conflict between your characters.

Hope this helps.

Rocket Sheep
September 2nd, 2003, 07:26 AM
Originally posted by Tasnek
A rough explanation I plan to have on the back of my book...

White Tiger. Black Mist. Griffin. Three names of three different travelers brought up in a chaotic world where almost anything is possible. While the three have very different quests in life, they seem to adjoin together almost as if fate decided it. White Tiger, dedicated to restoring calmness and order in the world. Black Mist, bent on appointing himself ruler of anything he can get his hands on. Griffin, his life goal to destroy the most powerful man to ever exist. With the chaotic sense in the world, including powerful demons that suddenly are rising to power, you must ask yourself...who will succeed?


I like the idea of the names first.
You have two 'almosts' and a 'seem' in there. They lessen the impact or are you trying to mislead the reader?
'Adjoin' instead of 'join'?
'together' is redundant next to 'join'.
Addressing the reader directly is hard to pull off smoothly. 2nd person often sounds corny.

This is still ambiguous because I'm not sure what is meant by world, if it is a world of men or not, what the three travelers are and what a chaotic sense is. But I've fiddled with what I do get. Whad'ya reckon?
White Tiger, Black Mist, Griffin - three travelers brought up in a chaotic world where anything is possible. While the three have very different quests in life, they join as if compelled by fate. White Tiger, dedicated to restoring calmness and order in the world. Black Mist, bent on appointing himself ruler of anything he can get his hands on. Griffin, his life goal to destroy the most powerful man to ever exist. With the chaotic sense in the world, and powerful demons rising to power...who will succeed?

KatG
September 3rd, 2003, 10:02 AM
Originally posted by Tasnek
A rough explanation I plan to have on the back of my book...

White Tiger. Black Mist. Griffin. Three names of three different travelers brought up in a chaotic world where almost anything is possible. While the three have very different quests in life, they seem to adjoin together almost as if fate decided it. White Tiger, dedicated to restoring calmness and order in the world. Black Mist, bent on appointing himself ruler of anything he can get his hands on. Griffin, his life goal to destroy the most powerful man to ever exist. With the chaotic sense in the world, including powerful demons that suddenly are rising to power, you must ask yourself...who will succeed?

To me it sounds a bit corny, or something sounds off...I'm hoping to recieve any kind of help or advice, as I am open to all suggestions. Since I have the book already written, plot changes aren't quite a happening, so I'd like the explanation to basically say what it says in there, with as much interest to the reader I am able to contain.
It's not bad. Don't worry about corny too much, as just about all fantasy descriptions sound corny. How about slight changes:

White Tiger. Black Mist. Griffin. Three different travelers brought up in a chaotic world where almost anything is possible. White Tiger, searching to restore calm and order. Black Mist, bent on appointing himself ruler of anything he can get his hands on. Griffin, his life goal to destroy the most powerful man to ever exist. As demons rise and conquer the land, fate brings the three seekers together, but of them all, who will succeed?

KatG
September 3rd, 2003, 10:03 AM
Oh, I forgot, if White Tiger is a female, you probably want to make that clear in the copy. If WT is a male, you could use "three men" instead of "three seekers."

Tasnek
September 4th, 2003, 01:16 PM
Wow, so many suggestions...I thank you all for your contribution in helping me, although I like the sound of KatG's rewrite of my original. And yes, all three are men, although I want to include that these three are "travelers" because travelers in this book are very seperate people from those who don't...well, travel. I would like to include that all three are men, not just to imply that they are all male, but also to imply that they are all human. I once sent a brief section of the book to a friend of mine and she had the impression that White Tiger was actually a tiger...which in fact he is just a human with that such name. Although, I'm not quite sure how to go about including that they are both men and travelers without making it sound off.

KatG
September 4th, 2003, 09:06 PM
Originally posted by Tasnek
Wow, so many suggestions...I thank you all for your contribution in helping me, although I like the sound of KatG's rewrite of my original. And yes, all three are men, although I want to include that these three are "travelers" because travelers in this book are very seperate people from those who don't...well, travel. I would like to include that all three are men, not just to imply that they are all male, but also to imply that they are all human. I once sent a brief section of the book to a friend of mine and she had the impression that White Tiger was actually a tiger...which in fact he is just a human with that such name. Although, I'm not quite sure how to go about including that they are both men and travelers without making it sound off.
If travellers are a special designation, sort of like a holy order or people who have to have certain skills in order to travel, then you might want to put something in to that effect in the cover copy. If humans are the main population, not counting the demons, then I don't think you need to specify that the three men are human. If you say the three men at some point, that should be sufficient. If your world is much more of a mix -- humans being only one option, perhaps a minority -- then you might want something like: "in a chaotic world of warring humans, elves, wildebeasts" and what-have-you.