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October 6th, 2003, 08:13 PM
I have an idea for a story that takes place at an orphanage located in the wilderness on a mountaintop where one girl discovers (dont know how yet) that the owner of the orphanage, when she makes everyone think she is taking a child to a new family, instead takes them into a cellar, and locks them up... where they are eaten by the owner's cannibalistic son. In truth, all of the kids in the orphanage came from loving families, but were kidnapped at a young age from this woman who owns the orphanage, for the sole purpose of raising them and feeding them to her son when young enough. Well, when this girl finds this out, she and a boy try to escape, etc etc. The two actually fall in love with each other along the way, as they are chased by the owner of the orphanage. At some point (somehow) they two lovers actually find out they are brother and sister (ewe), and of course are shocked and stop dating. One of them dies along the way... and it goes from there.

Would that be interesting? What could i do to fix this idea? Describe it more?

October 6th, 2003, 11:32 PM
Start by putting all of your ideas on paper. Then place it carefully in a storage container commonly referred to as a trash can. Spray lighter fluid on it; don't be afraid to use the entire bottle. Toss a match and step quickly away.

Then begin beating you head against the wall until all remnants of the idea have faded into the black void.


Rocket Sheep
October 7th, 2003, 12:49 AM
Well, you're off to a great start contributing to this community, aren't you, tingmakpuk?

One black mark against your name and you only have one post, not a good track record.

A smiley face and a bit of a constructive comment after that post and I would've let you get away with it, despite your lousy French.

Ignore that comment, ddavis. Think of it as practice for receiving a lousy review.

October 7th, 2003, 03:40 AM
The sheep has spoken: ;)

Ideas need to written down.. take two small men, walking up a volcano, because one wants to throw a gold ring into the molten rock. Doesn't some very good does it ;)

Or; boy finds out he is a wizard, likes to ride a broom and goes to a new school! ;)

Holbrook's law of critiques; for every negative thing say one good one. Offer advice, but always say it is your story, so you can tell me to go shove the "advice" where the monkey does his nuts...

Always be prepared to offer up your own ideas/work to the person to critique and be prepared to hear things you don't like or want to hear....

October 7th, 2003, 04:55 AM
Good advice from H and the sheep there.

I will remind members here that the point of these posts is to constructively criticise members thoughts. Some members get it - some don't. We could all pull people's work apart, but that's not how we work here.

You are new to the Forum, tingmakpuk - so that has been taken into account. However, I would respectfully suggest that you have been warned.


October 7th, 2003, 05:20 AM
Just a few observations, take them as you will;)

1. If they have been in this orphanage pretty much all their lives, how come no one has noticed the bad things going on, and if they are all locked away or kept so isolated from the real world that no one can find out what goes on, how come none of them have run away, or tried to attract attention.

2. If the answer to the above is that they are so well locked up they can't run away, then how are your characters going to manage it?

3. Not sure if the falling in love thing will work. It depends on their age. At certain ages the last thing on children's minds is the opposite sex.

4. Has no one bothered to report all these missing children, are their parents not looking for them?

October 7th, 2003, 06:13 PM
1. They don't notice the bad things going on, because when a victim is taken to this cannibal, the owner makes it look like she is taking the victim to his/her's new parents (says they are waiting outside or something, not sure yet). Instead she takes the victim to the cellar, away from everyone's view, and locks em in. And about them running away... they are treated very greatly there, and no one wants to run away, and besides, there are gigantic fences surrounding them, and since they are on an isolated mountaintop, none will dare try to leave and risk the dangerous task of climbing down. Until now... of course. :) And they know all about the real world: computers are there, with internet... but... some things are blocked so they wont know certain things. And why, you may ask, are they treated and raised so rightly, with the aid of actually paid teachers and caretakers? First... they are treated nicely so they will not suspect a thing and trust everyone, second, those teachers/etc are paid A LOT. The owner is a rich nutcase.

2. How will they run away? I have it all figured out... but I'm not saying. :)

3. The characters that fall in love are about 15... just the right age to fall in love and yet not old enough to legally leave the orphanage.

4. Oh yes, there are reports. But this orphanage is a secret, not many know it even exsists. (btw, it takes place somewhere in England perhaps). ANd parents are looking for them of course. But... interesting enough, I got this idea from part of a true event I saw on "Unsolved Mysteries". Not as messed up as this, but it had a woman who was rich who kidnapped these kids and gave them away to different parents. Many years later, some of the kids meet their real parents (after finding out from authorities what had happened). So... uh... yeah. :)

October 7th, 2003, 07:44 PM
Another couple of questions about your idea.

1) How long has this been going on? If it's like 30-40 years then there would be SOME sort of story about it, even if it's an urban legend. As well as the secrecy of the place. She has to get supplies from somewhere. There have to be deliveries or what not. That implies that SOME people know and it only takes one to sound the alarm.

2) I don't buy the reasons why they would stay put. Not EVERYBODY can think that life is so very incredible there. Some people would test the boundaries. Some people would look out at the outside world and want to go there despite everything. Some people will wonder how it is that they don't see any other people coming around. From what I know of orphanages (very little to none), there are usually people around looking at prospective adoptees.

What I might suggest is that not only is this owner sending the kids to be fed by her canniblistic son (who must not be too bright really), but that some of them she is selling into a sort of modern slavery to unscupulous people.

October 9th, 2003, 01:37 PM
It seems rather elaborate. Not that elaborate can't work, but if this woman, for some demented reason, wants to feed her son kids -- or for that matter, adults -- surely it would be easier to just kidnap them, kill them and serve them than to have to take care of them in an orphanage that has to be hidden and for which one has to hire teachers, any of which might accidentally stumble on the secret or let authorities know where the orphanage is. (And I would suggest not setting it in England where occupants of a house would be facing government census and such, but in another country where the government is less organized and easier to corrupt or hide from.)

If she wanted to have a farm of kids, then I'd expect she would be doing more of a Sweeny Todd sort of thing, making them into gourmet meat pies for an exclusive clientele or something. Because for one guy, it does seem to be overstock.

Before you develop your version of Hansel and Gretel, I suggest you take a look at which elements most intrigue you -- cannibalism, orphanage, incest, etc. and what you might want to do with such subject matter. That might help you determine what should go and what should stay.

You might also look into fostering programs. It might be easier for the crazy lady to "foster" kids, say six at a time. Foster kids get moved in and out, so killing them off would be even easier and not require the hiring of teachers. Of course, that would mean that the kids aren't hanging around for years and you might not be able to manage the brother & sister thing, so if the incest angle is what really interests you, another set-up might be better.