[Holbrook]

Cleaning the Library.... First Contact with the Book Worms

"Lost contact?"I repeated as the long white creature curled tighter round my arm.

"Yes.... He was organising a holding action among the local history section E to K, when the dust attacked our control centre in Cookery A to E"

"Errrrrrrr...." Burt mumbled his eyes widening..."You is telling us that the dust...."

"Has become sentient, yes, it reached critical mass 6 months ago. We tried to tell the wizards but they laughed at us."

"Fools," I huffed. "Don't they know even normal dust has a life of its own.. Dust that has been lying round magic texts for years... "I sighed a heavy sigh.

The Library sneezed again and a cloud gathered in the doorway. It was the enemy or part of it. Then something happened, the edges of it were attacked by a number of book worms, wearing red tin hats wielding "Dust busters" they came on scooping up the cloud, making it retreat deep into the dark interior of the Library....

"By jove!" Burt exclaimed as the leader of the red tin hats wiggled out and saluted the worm wrapped round my hand.

"We are holding open a passage to our stronghold in SF and Fantasy, have you made contract yet?" The leader said.

"Well sort of, " The worm round my arm answered looking at me. "I am not sure who she is or how she can help us? But she might be able to point us in the right direction"

I raised my left eyebrow and softly said. "I am Edith and I am a housekeeper."

The effect of my words was electric! I was surrounded by the Red Tin Hats waving their "Dust Busters" in the air.

"Easy now, "I said. "We have got a long way to go, First go empty them devices in the dust bin..."

"But the dust is..."

"Yes it is, but the shock of being inside a bin, will return it to normal dust. Burt, we need dust bins, lots of them by the door....

Burt gave me a funny look but went off to do what I had asked.

[Holbrook]

Cleaning the Library~ The battle begins

Burt fussed with the line of bins as the red hatted book worms began to move forward. Each worm guarding his fellow as their small "dust busters" sucked at the dark, angry cloud in the door way, they kept a constant "fire" up and slowly the dust was removed and placed in the dustbins. Each bin was then emptied onto the recently arrived council refuse lorry, Burt had acted on his own and rented one fast.

"Good going there Burt," I said and made my own attacks with the feather duster.

I and the worms were soon within the loftly Library, but our work had just begun. We needed to contact the rest of the worms and the Librarian, if anything remained of him. Rack, by rack we inched forward, finding some survivours of a small group of young worms, hiding between the pages of the children's section under fives, the sticky fingerprints on which had protected them from the dust, as the dust got stuck when it tried to enter. Burt took the young worms off outside and fed them on new newpapers and bedded them down in crisp reams of white printer paper.

The dust redoubled its attack and we were forced to move quickly down the non fiction, past the scrolls heading towards the central cataloguing section.

It was there we found the shoe. The first worm I had met, called Reg, said it belonged to the librarian. We both sighed. Though our numbers had grown, and we were gaining ground. (New groups of worms, with dusters,dust busters and polish had joined us.) Without the master of this place we were doomed, dust in here needed a match, one who cared for books.

It was then the dust blew in our faces and parted to show a figure suspended by it's ankles from the top of the large shelf which contained "English History."

"Go save yourselves, you will find another librarian!" the victim bellowed as it tried to twist and sweep away the dust from the top of the shelf.

[Hereford Eye]

With Edith and the worms to assist, the spinning librarian comes to a rest, his fine black beard and shoulder-length curls hanging limply from his head in no way complimentary to the gleam of triumph in his eyes.
“Ah, Senora, you have arrive-ed at so long last! Bienvenides! So good to see you. Pay no attencion to my predicament here. I am performing the subtle attack on eso diablo. The fool would never expect an attack from above – although, given he’s nature he truly ought to, oughtn’t he?
Please, madam, continue your efforts. Los worms will indubitably assist. This dust diablo is a canny beast, persistent as well. His spiritu is distributed across the thousands of libras in my library, each tiny spiritu capable of reincarnating the beast. We must be thorough; entonces we must be ever vigilant for his counterattacks.
Ah, to know my life is to be restored, the blood in my veins reconstituted, the access to mi libras uninhibited once again. One might say it is about time these ungrateful wizards took action. This manana attitude of theirs is most troublesome.
Be most carefully alert as you proceed to the higher stacks, senorita; you are looking younger by the minute. He will dislodge books, the stones, anything to make you pay for your insolent intrusion on what he thought was a war already won. Por cierto, now he must realize it was only a battle.
Give to me one more momentito, I will finish my removal of the beast from these upper shelves and join usted on the ground. Entonces, we may properly introduce ourselves. In my country this is accomplished with many hugs and kisses. I trust that is not too distantly removed from the customs of your country.”

[Holbrook]

"Goodness" I exclaimed "Hugs and kisses and not yet properly introduced." I looked at the chief worm, he shrugged his body, if he has shoulders they would be raised to his ears. A Smile crossed his lips and then it happened.

A whirlwind began to form the dust grew and my skirts were blown up over my eyes.

I heard the Librarian urge battle, the worms hurled themselves and the dust busters in to the melee.

Burt was shouting and hanging onto me leg as I was sucked up.

I saw a pair of deep red eyes and a grin.

I lunged out with my feather duster, the beast screamed, I whipped my feather blade left and right, still struggling to push down my skirts.

A worm whipped past me its hat askew, and dust buster misfiring. I grabbed the creature allowing it to anchor itself on my right leg. The worm bellowed its thanks and managed to clear its dust buster and join the attack.

Another white tumbling from joined us. Burt shouted he was letting go and going for help, time the wizards did something. I felt his fingers let go and saw him drop into the circling dust below me.

A strange curse floated up, he must have landed on the Librarian. I saw two shapes peel themselves off the distant floor, one gathering the dust to it the other making in the direction of the door.

I started to cough and gasp, the dust was getting to me, I began to feel faint. Shook myself and swept again with my feather duster. The creature retreated and I dropped like a stone, hitting a book shelf on the way down, it toppled and assorted Wizard histories became un filed.

I fell flat on my chest. coughing and splutting. A book was open before me. the text read.

Hope to get rid of unwanted guests

Mr Librarian, sir.. " I called and pulled the book close to me. This might be the answer.

[Hereford Eye]

Excerpts from “How to Get Rid of Unwanted Guests”:

I found that beginning my voodoo drum lessons at 1:00 AM has a salutary effect. When the unwanted guests asks why I am doing this, implying it has something to do with their presence, I tell them that now that they are members of the family, there is no reason for us to disrupt our family routines and this is when I feel most creative musically speaking.

Priming the wee ones to discuss the bodies and habits of the guests in front of one and all and then laughing their remarks off as nothing more than childish curiosity. Remarks such as “did you see how long his hair is on the right side?” “I saw her pick her nose and look at it before she used a hankie” “he has terrible gas pains” and “She gave me a hug and half her face came away on my cheek”.

Sending the ghost dog into their rooms at night to do its business on the bed they are sleeping in.

Keeping a well-stoked pipe in one’s hand so that any comment from the guests causes long rumination and huge draughts on the pipe filling the ambiance with the smell and smoke of less than fine tobacco.

Mike, from Babylon, wrote that he often attempts to flush a washcloth down the commode in the master and guest bathrooms. This invariably plugs the pipe causing a nauseous stench throughout the house. The hardiest hangers-on may travel to the pub to relieve themselves but the stench will drive them out. The downside is the months required to get the home back to normal.”

[Holbrook]

Playing Voodoo drums, unleashing the hounds of hell, sorry youngest members of the family, dogs ghost or otherwise, pipes and blocking loos would have no affect on the all covering, all blinding dust.

I flicked to the next page, sitting behind a rampart made of leather bound first, second and third editions of all Charles Dicken's stories, five issues of Christmas Carol lining the parapet.

"Any luck Senora?" The Librarian askes as he returns from a patrol into no man's land, twisting the ends of his beard.

"None... Any sign of Burt...?"

No..." Came the answer as the Librarian called to the worms to prepare for the attack looming between the 15th and 16th century books of spells.....

The attack began and I was forced to leave off reading the book to wield my feather duster at the enemy. We beat it back and fell in an exhustted heap behind the protection of books,

"Brandy Senora?" The Librarian handed me his hip flask.

"Don't mind if I do..."I replied and took a slug of the fine Spinish fire water... coughing of course as it hit the back of my throat.

"What is going on here?" A voice boomed.

I stood up and there in the door way, Burt some two feet behind, was a tall figure.

My temper flared. "What is up.... What is up... It is all your fault!"

"I think not... "The chief wizard began.

"That's the point you didn't think, you let the dust pile up in here instead of helping instead of looking after your books you let them drown in dust."

"We didn't! Eerrr did we Burt?" The wizard asked aside.

"Yes..." Burt did the loudest stage whipser I have ever heard.

"See, you did" I attacked again. "the dust took advantage and became sentient."

"Impossible," the wizard boomed. At that moment long tendrils of dust reached out and grabbed the wizard by his feet and hosited him aloft.

"Told you!" I shouted after him as he began to be swung round by his lower appendages.

[Hereford Eye]

A head wizard hanging by his heels is odd enough. Watching his beard straighten itself out so that is not dangling in front of mouth, nose, and eyes without benefit of pomade is even more odd. Almost one hair at a time, discipline is restored to the monstrosity growing on the old bird’s face.
“Now, dis is impossible! I say it vunce again: dis is impossible. Der dust and der gloom are not permissive to get all sentient. Against der rules and dat, my vriend, is dat.!”
Edith’s astonishment at the old guy’s obtuseness temporarily overrides her speech mechanisms. She stands there, arms akimbo sweeping in the entire catastrophe before them, glaring at the Head Wizard, every line on her face screaming: “huh?!!!”
“Okay, very well, maybe it did happen but it is still against der gottendammen rules. You listening to me, you verboten misbegotten devil? We cannot stand for dis kind of pranks going in der towers. Ve cannot allow dis kind o’ thing. You must cease and desist dis fooling around dis instant. You hear me, dust thingie?”
Evidently the dust thingie heard him because the Wizard seems to be shaken, not stirred.
“Dat vill be enough of dat as well, you miserably cursed being. If you do not restore me to da floor – on my feet, thank you very much – you vill not be happy wit what vill happen to you. Dat I can promises to you”
The shaking wizard stops shaking, still upended as the dust devil considers his words. Slowly the wizard is lowered to the floor, his top reverse with his bottom, standing upright firmly settled. Except that the orientation of his beard is now 180 degrees out of whack again, a situation he must apply time and energy to resolving. It happens though. He becomes his normal self, the Head Wizard who turns to the housekeeper, smiles, and asks politely, “Vell, frau, you vere saying?”

[Holbrook]

I was at the end of my temper with things, oh the dust had backed off, but you could hear it laughing in every corner of the library. The worms were on full alert, dust busters humming.

I shoved my feather duster up the left nostril of the wizard and said. "Do? Do ? Well you and your fellows get out your wands, magic balls and goodness knows what out and sort this mess you have made out."

"Nonsense.." The wizard said sniffing in more of the feather duster. "There is no problem..." This statement was of course the worse thing he could say, A large dust hand swept me up and over the "world politics and how to live with it" section and went right up the wizard's gown. He screamed, his voice going up an octave as the dust hand flew out of his neck line.

"By heck, his wizard balls were well and truly shaken that time " Burt observes.....

[Hereford Eye]

“Gotterdamerungenphock, woman! Making some sense, if you please. If you are wanting me to do away with this irksome dervish, just then you say so, unnerstanden?
The wizard turns to confront the dust devil. “You are verboten, you know dat, correct? Some things like yourself are best no part of this universe but now dat you haff arrived, you haff arrived. Nothing to be done about that.
Vat you is needing is a home and I have the very correct exact one for you. Henry the 80th has a garden outside the castle, inside the moat wall. He doesn’t get very so much good stuff from dat garden because the earth is not so very fertile. Now you can be doing something about that. You could be makin’ your home among dat dirt pile and siphoning good clean dirt from the air and luring in da worms and stuff. You know how to do dat and, lookin’ at vat you haff done to our library, you is good at it. I admit you is better at dat than any three of us wizards. So, dat’s where you is goin.
“No, don’t be thankin’ me. It’s a wizardly duty to put things straight when they gets crooked and, you my fine fiend, is definitely crooked. Now, off you go.”
As the dust devil scoots through an open window wheezing a bubbling good humor, the wizard turns to the housekeeper. “Can you be explainin’ to me why it is dat I must take time away from my research, - I am studying the mating rituals of bar flies, you know – and come perform the duties I thought we had hired you to perform? Is dere some good reason for dis or must ve be lookin’ again for a competent housekeeper?”