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saphron
November 11th, 2003, 08:34 PM
I would like some feedback on my short story "The Time Notfall Almost Collasped" the link is:

[http://www.sffworld.com/authors/r/r_saphron/fiction/timenotfall1.html]

Any tips or advice would be apperciated too!Thanx!:D

Kamakhya
November 11th, 2003, 08:58 PM
I have moved this thread to the writing forum. It is there that one can ask for feedback on a story.

KATS
November 13th, 2003, 11:27 AM
Saphron,

I hope you find this thread.

I've read your story and the plot seems interesting. I would have liked to see this story in more detail. You rushed through the story and it could very easily be expanded into a novel, their is such possibility in the world and characters you've created.

If you'd like some advice on how to expand the story and get more depth from it, please feel free to give me a PM or an email.

Kimberly
a/k/a KATS

Jasc
November 13th, 2003, 01:58 PM
Hi, and welcome.

Your story has potential, but it is underdeveloped and marred by spelling and grammar errors.

You need to flesh out your story more. Things like background, physical details, setting are absent.

Your character conversations need tweaking. In fiction writing, believable character conversations make or break a story/book. The more *real* your characters seem, the greater the verisimilitude of your world.

Let me pick out a specific piece as an example:

"They would be able to,"my father replied,"but it would drain their planet too.Everyone tommorow needs to go to the Rocket Exit Service tommorow.Frizots on one and the Gabbles with their younglings on the other.I am done.You may leave."

To fix this, try and inject more emotion in to the conversation; you want to portray a believable human, not a robot parroting a few phrases. Try and imagine the person speaking is your father, or that you are the one speaking here. In the paragraph above, the father character speaks with an ersatz and unconvincing voice. I rewrote a portion of your paragraph, injecting more emotion into it:

<<My father massaged his bloodshot eyes and paced around the room, reminding me of a dog chasing his tail. Abruptly he stopped, and reached for me, clutching me close to his chest, squeezing me like a doll. I buried myself in his warm embrace, tasting the thick sweaty familiar smell that was my father.

"Dear one," he whispered, "you will leave tomorrow." My father stoked my long hair, running his fingers through the thick curls. Warm tears trickled down the smooth side of his jaw.>>

You don't have to use as many descriptions as I did. You want to paint a vivid picture of your characters and their interactions.

I noticed several grammatical errors (its instead of it's, stuff like that) in your story. I recommend you check the grammar thread for tips. Nothing can turn a reader off more than a few obvious grammar errors.

Good luck with your writing. Remember, writing is a process and no one is a *perfect* writer. Keep at it and you'll improve.

morbius
November 14th, 2003, 05:32 PM
You're being to hard on a guy.
I am writing a little myself, so I will gladly help. I'll read it and give you feedback tomorrow.

Expendable
November 15th, 2003, 06:07 PM
Hi.

I don't want to sound mean, but if you're going to be a writer, start learning to spell. Or at least listen to your spell checker. I keep a dictionary by the computer and visit dictionary.com to check words all the time. You should too. Nobody's going to take a writer seriously if they can't get the words right.

Oh. Your Zong? What's a zong? I know what you're trying to show is some color to make it sound different, but that 's confusing us. Why call a King or President a Zong when you can clear it all up by calling him a king?

In your story, you mostly tell us what's going on. That's why it is so short. You didn't show us anything and there was so much to see. What does it feel like to wear levitating shoes? Aren't you afraid you'll fall? Were the people upset to hear they had to leave? I know one guy yelled but was he happy? Sad? Crying?

"I... I can't leave," someone said, breaking the stunned silence. People began muttering and turning their heads as a man with a pale face stood up, from the ancient benches, staring around like someone hoping this was all a bad dream.
"My Lord, I can't!" he protested, shaking his head as he put his hand over his heart. "I've lived here my entire life....! Sixteen generations of my family have lived here on this world! How can anyone, even you my lord, tell me that I and my family must abandon our world?"

saphron
November 16th, 2003, 07:31 PM
I just wanted to say thanks for all the feedback and advice but please note that I am only 16 and I still take English class.Do not expect me to perfectly spell words.Thanks.

Expendable
November 16th, 2003, 08:19 PM
Originally posted by saphron
I just wanted to say thanks for all the feedback and advice but please note that I am only 16 and I still take English class.Do not expect me to perfectly spell words.Thanks.

And if you turned that in to your English teacher, would they ignore your spelling and grammar issues to give you an "A"?

Can I go to your school? ;)

KATS
November 16th, 2003, 11:37 PM
Just a reminder that we should encourage new writers. This site attracts a lot of young people who have submitted their first efforts at writing a story. Many of these writers have little knowledge about structuring a story, nor are they familiar with many of the techniques those more experienced often use.

Believe me, I understand being honest. But as writerís further along the path, we should give support and encouragement to those less experienced.

I honestly think the story showed that the writer has a great imagination and I hope that Saphon sticks around and improves his/her craft.

Kimberly

Jasc
November 17th, 2003, 03:29 PM
I agree that new, young writers should be supported. But I also feel that honest critiques should be given. When you post a story for the public to critique, you are inviting public response, be it eviscerating, tepid or glowing with superlatives. If you can't deal with it, then you shouldn't be posting your work (this is not aimed at anyone here, just a statement).

The best way to help someone is to give an honest critique. Telling someone what they want to hear is not really helping them, it actually harms them.

Age (within reason) should not be a discriminating factor in a critique (it certainly is not in mine). Whatís his name, Paoline(sp?) wrote Eragon when he was 15 or 16 and itís now a best selling book.

Horrid spelling is inexcusable in a posted story. It's easy to run your work through a spell checker before posting. This makes it easier on your reader's eyes, and is at the very least a "posting" curtsey. I myself am a terrible speller; thank god for the spell checker, without it, I would be quite lost.

A few people have said (in some cases implicitly) that I have been too hard in my critique. My apologies if I've bruised some egos here; my critique is brutally honnest but not invective; I make no apologies for this. Better an ego bust here then from a publisher (those really break your ego!)