View Full Version : Requesting some feedback

Home - Discussion Forums - News - Reviews - Interviews

New reviews, interviews and news

New in the Discussion Forum

December 5th, 2003, 12:09 AM
Well hi all. I've got a few short stories up here on sffworld.com and I wouldn't mind having a few people read over my new one Genesis Dawn.

This story is the set up for a half dozen more that I have written over the last while. I'm not sure if it is what I would call my best work, but it is definatly readable.

So check it out

Short Stories
Adam Durrant
Endless Humanity: Genesis Dawn

Thanks in advance

December 7th, 2003, 01:13 AM
Well, it was pretty suspenseful piece, even though the main character Alex was set up to be so self-involved. It was a nice surprise at the end where I felt sudden empathy with Alex.

I had a strange reaction when the Unity was first introduced - I assummed it must be a typo how the Unity was described as a "pig." But then I thought this illustrated how language mutates as it is used - one use of certain words transmogrifies to, in this case, more complimentary meaning from a derogatory meaning it has now. I like when an author does that kind of thing, second-guesses how words have continued to evolve new meanings of the future culture. But since there were no more "special" words in the expressions of the newscasters with these transformed meanings, I assummed "pig" had to be a typo.

I had a little trouble differenciating between the "on the spot" reporter, the guy who had been interviewed and where the station was broadcasting from and the Unity, etc. So when the climax happened the shifting back and forth confused me a little. But I often have trouble following authors who make sense the second reading - because I seem to be easily confused by switching points of view. I didn't get a chance to read it twice because I'm on a borrowed computer time at this moment.

Using the expression by starting a sentence with " people, "(etc. )without the comma was a blip for me in reading. Also - if you've ever been in a broadcasting room - there is even less talk; everything someone says is even more abbreviated so nobody misunderstands notifications. Because of this, I would edit the newsroom patter quite a bit. Once the action starts happening, I'd expand that by being more detailed about it a bit more. It's a little unbelievable of an event, so you don't have to worry about the pacing taking away from the excitement. Also, remember how TV will replay every little bit of news that they get over and over and over, endlessly updating viewers who just tuned in - probably exhausting their on-the-air anchors.

Other than that - it was really fun to read. I really enjoyed the setup. It was a great excuse for info-dump that you seemed to need to do to bring the reader up to speed in a big fat hurry. What you did with all the information did not disapoint me. Thanks.