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Calis
December 10th, 2003, 07:34 AM
this is my first attempt at writing something, albiet 1 am in the morning. lol
but if you could read it and tell me what you think i would appreciate it much.
thanks.


The man looked out, the mid day sun beaming down on the water causing white reflections of the shallow waves causing slight blindness as the man shielded his eyes from the glare. Looking around the man could see no vessel of any sort, just the murky waters of endless sea.
The sky had not one cloud in it, the gentle breeze allowing a fan of coolness against the everlasting heat beaming down upon the crew. ‘Good’, thought the man, ‘no sign of pirates, the plan is going well. It shall be a glorious day when our destiny is fulfilled’.
The smell of salt on the air whiffed into his nose. He did not care for that smell.
Other then the sound of the ship pushing through the water, as if crashed upon the side of the ship, there was not a sound, not one sea bird was in sight.
A crew member yelled from above, looking up he could see him in the crows nest.
“Land hoe!” he shouted.
The man smiled again, destiny is upon us, he thought to himself.
Another crew mate came to join him, quickly he said “we shall be landing shortly, captain…near Anquan’s End”
“Good”, muttered the man.
The shipmate walked off hurried, almost scared to be in the man’s presence.
The man squinted, from his position at the front of the ship on the deck, he could just make out the tops of buildings and the port at Anquan’s End.
All members of the ship named ‘Large Barge’, did not know this man, yet they all saw what he had done to the previous first mate who had challenged him, and convincingly lost his head in what was to be a short 5 to 10 second duel. They were all scared of this man, his ability with the sword he carried was nothing they had ever seen and none wish the fate of the ex-first mate, known as ‘Naigo’, whose head was perched on top of a spear, above the captains’ quarters. A clear sign that no deception or bothersome crew mates was to be tolerated. He had come aboard under the orders of the Emperor of Jiza, a man named ‘Natas’.
The only prove that it was under the orders of the Emperor of Jiza, was the seal written on the parchment, though reluctant to accept such a odd offer, the promise of 5000 gold coin for each man that day, and another 10,000 when they returned was an offer to good to refuse, and if any man refused to do it, they were quickly quieted when Naigo was killed.
The ship was a War Ship, the name ‘Large Barge’, comically came from the unusually small size for a war ship. It was about 40 meters in length, a good half size of a normal war ship.
The reason the emperor wanted to employ the crew of the ‘Large Barge’, was its superior speed. They had traveled a distance that would normally take a War Ship 15 weeks, in 7 weeks.
The man turned, and yelled “Tell the men below deck to prepare for landing, and tell the slave master to pick up the pace”
“Yes, capt’n”, said a deck hand, used for odd jobs and carrying messages below deck.
The man turned again, his mind on the job at hand, his hand flexing on the black handle of his sheathed long- sword, hanging from his belt on his right hip.
Lost in his thought, he was suddenly snapped back into reality by the curses of the crew members. Turning his attention on the men, he noticed the shadows growing larger. The mans’ eyes narrowed, suspicion on his mind. He looked up and in all directions dark grey, almost black clouds were approaching from all directions rapidly.
Expecting trouble, the man withdrew his Long-sword in his left hand and withdrew his Dagger from his belt at his back.
The slight breeze had picked up in to a strong wind.
He heard his crew men cursing, wondering what was going on, and most had withdrawn their cutlass’s.
Above the crack of thunder deafened any thoughts the man had, and now his thoughts turned to survival as the wind had picked up into a strong Gale, and wave growing increasingly, crashing into the side of the ship.
“Pull down the sails and drop the anchor”, he ordered, the crew obeyed and a few were scurrying off the pull down the sails, while another was at the lever to drop the anchor, waiting for the sails to be pulled down.
The man looked up again, then suddenly ducking as a bolt of lightning hit the deck of the ship a few meters away from him, a smoking hole about 3 meters in diameter now shown.
Thunder and lightning continued, and rain and hail belted down upon the crew, crying out as it strung them. The smell of burning wood filled the air as lightning struck all parts of the ship, tearing holes into the deck and sides, water was gushing in, soon the ship would sink.
The man continued looking out, ignoring the slight pain he felt from the hail. He knew this wasn’t a normal storm, but a work of magic.
“I will not stand down”, he shouted into the wind, at nothing. He was about to scream something else when a bolt of lightning struck the deck a few meters away from him, the impact sent the man flying into the air and over the side of the ship.
He landed with a thud into the water, a little dazed at the impact but still conscious the man managed to hold his head above water, but he knew it was over, the currents were to strong, and the ship wouldn’t be afloat for much longer. He struggled to stay up but his legs tired after 10 minutes. Finally he went under, the currents ripping and tearing at him, his body twisting in all directions, at odd angles, as he drifted away from the sinking ship.
The man felt a pain in his right leg, it was broken. He didn’t care, he knew it was over, he had failed. He couldn’t hold his breath any longer, water entered through his nostrils and mouth as his lungs filling with water, as he drifted off into a sleep like state, his last thought was scream of rage. ARGHHHHHH!!!
Then it was dark…

Calis
December 10th, 2003, 06:46 PM
hmm 16 views and no responses
that cant be good. lol

milamber_reborn
December 10th, 2003, 10:32 PM
I took a quick glance at the first few lines. The first two sentences need to be tightened:

The man shielded his eyes from the glare of the midday sun that reflected off of the shallow waves. As he looked across the endless, murky sea, he noticed not a single vessel in sight.


Repetition of 'beaming,' and again the information can presented in less words:

A gentle breeze swept across the cloudless sky, acting as a fan of coolness against the everlasting heat bearing down upon the crew.


Thought's should not be in quotation marks because they are not dialogue, and they should be italicised for emphasis:


Good, thought <this would be a good place to tell us his name>, no sign of pirates. The plan is going well. It shall be a glorious day when our destiny is fulfilled.


Hope that helps. There is some good writing and interesting descriptions, but it lacks good flow. Try to restructure it. The same story can be told in fewer words.

Calis
December 10th, 2003, 11:26 PM
thanks

after i posted this i kept going back and adding and changing things around.

the whole thing is in italics. but it didnt show up on this.
i didnt know about thoughts.

i also deliberately didnt include description or name of the man for a reason.

thanks again.
i have plenty to work on. :)

i also didnt re-read it after i wrote it, cos it was late and i was tired. so i shall do that.

loki_incarnate
December 11th, 2003, 02:44 AM
um.. its good for 1 in the morning :P. it sounds like david eddings style of writing and although i dont like it its very popular so go for it.

Holbrook
December 11th, 2003, 06:09 AM
Hmmm... Just glanced quickly, but some impressions.

Put a line break between your paragraphs, it makes it easier to read for folks.

Bit too many statements as in "The man looked out" Try an vary the beginnings both of your paragraphs and sentences.

Also read it out loud to yourself, it will help with one grammar and two pacing, at the moment it is a bit stop start.

Also watch the repetition of words and actions it happens a couple of times.

Content is interesting, but if you are not naming a character, try to use something other than "The man" like big nose or blue eyes, give the character a nickname the reader can latch onto.

Hope that helps.

Calis
December 11th, 2003, 06:54 AM
Originally posted by loki_incarnate
um.. its good for 1 in the morning :P. it sounds like david eddings style of writing and although i dont like it its very popular so go for it.

not bad considering i never read his books. lol

Beetle
December 11th, 2003, 08:07 AM
Not bad for a first run without an edit. Try to get ahold of your sentence structure a bit. They tend to jump, start and stop a bit.

I can see where you're going with leaving the character un-named, but like Holbrook said in not so many words, try to give the reader a better feel for him. Even if you give him a name it is still a good idea to flesh him out a bit.

One other thing...if staging a scene on a boat, try to pick up some of the familiar jargon of the sea. "Put down the sails," for example doesn't sound quite right. I am not a sailor, but perhaps, "Trim the sails" or "Reef all Sails." Those are the smaller elements that immerse a reader in the scene.

As I said though...good first run. Take a good look at it, edit some, scrap what doesnt work, re-write that which is close and read it aloud again. I think you will be surprised at the improvement. By the way...pick up Eddings' The Belgariad, beginning with Pawn of Prophecy. From some of your other posts..I think you will enjoy it.

JRMurdock
December 19th, 2003, 01:25 PM
It's a good start, BUT, leaving a character nameless makes writing difficult. I noticed you used 'man' a LOT in the writing of it. This is a great rough draft, but please name him. Even if it isn't his real name, having a character with no name is like coffee with no cream and sugar (bitter and bland). It makes reading very difficult when you refer to man, this man, that man, the man from, etc. It also makes you repeat yourself far too many times in other parts of the story.

If'n you're hell bent on NOT naming your character, give him a title, 'Capitan' or something to seperate him from the general riff-raff of the ship who have little else to do with the story. Eveyone else in your story has a name (and even the First-mate had a name AND title).

It's going good so far, but myself, I prefer a named character. Many intelligent readers will catch on to who he is and to keep referring to him as man will only annoy the reader.

Just my humble opinion.

Maus99

evil dr bad
December 19th, 2003, 02:16 PM
The man looked out, the mid day sun beaming down on the water causing white reflections of the shallow waves causing slight blindness as the man shielded his eyes from the glare. Looking around the man could see no vessel of any sort, just the murky waters of endless sea.
The first sentence is incredibly clunky: you're describing everything he is doing, and everything is happenning. Most of the information isn't needed. You're main point is the glaring reflection -- that's all you need to describe.
It is the same for the next sentence: it could be changed to "Looking around, the man could only see the endless sea".
"the man", "the man"; why don't you give the name. It gives an immediate sense of familiarity and attaches you far more to the character.
For the paragraph (and the whole story): I can only advise you to read it through and keep the necessary information; enough to evoke the place , and the events of the plot.

The sky had not one cloud in it, the gentle breeze allowing a fan of coolness against the everlasting heat beaming down upon the crew. ?Good?, thought the man, ?no sign of pirates, the plan is going well. It shall be a glorious day when our destiny is fulfilled?.
This suffers from the same faults. The sentence is extended and clumsy and much of it is unecessary. The thoughts are jerkingly lame: nobody would think like that. And anyway, are they even needed. It seems like a lazy way of poking in information.

A crew member yelled from above; looking up he could see him in the crows nest. ?Land hoe!? he shouted.
The man smiled again, destiny is upon us, he thought to himself.
The thoughts again are not needed; they are cheesy and unnatural. I bolded the semicolon that is needed. It also smacks of dull writing. The crew magically appears; you describe the scene to death then forget to mention the crew. Also, the cry comes off as naff. How do the rest of the crew react to this? How does 'the man' react to this? How does he shout it? Everything seems to happen robotically.

That's all I'm going to do for now; hopefully it'll give you something to think about. You do really need to seriously revise this.