PDA

View Full Version : Critique: Sample of story I'm working on


SFFWorld.com
Home - Discussion Forums - News - Reviews - Interviews

New reviews, interviews and news

New in the Discussion Forum


Artistic Wizard
January 12th, 2004, 07:29 PM
Heres a quick sample of a story I'm working on. Please keep in mind this is still a rough draft. I would love any kind of feedback I could get. Whether its grammer, story contents, whatever. I'm looking forward to comments. Thanks.

The Soul Stone

Prologue

In the land of Maelfore, the stone lay on the marble pedestal deep within the bowels of the temple of the Elders. It sat there for centuries, unguarded and safe. That was all about to change.

Azamoth, Bayle approached the stones chamber, his red robe flowing behind him. His face was long and thin, with green eyes that had the look of intense confidence. His jet-black hair was pulled back tight and tied with a red leather cord. Stopping at the edge of the entrance, he carefully examined the chamber and it’s contents. The room was an enormous sphere approximately one hundred feet in circumference. Its surface was black marble with swirls of gray, so smooth that it looked wet. Murder holes riddled the surface of the chamber, an indication of one trap ready to strike like a pit viper, if the stone was disturbed.

The stone lay on a pedestal the shape of a cylinder that was approximately three feet tall and appeared to be made of the same material as the chamber walls. The pedestal floated in the center of the chamber. There were no visible catwalk, pathways or floor in which led to the stone.

A blue globe of crackling energy enveloped the stone, an obvious attempt to protect its owner’s relic. “Childs folly,” Azamoth muttered under his breath. “Farmers with pitchforks could defeat this futile attempt at protecting one of the most powerful relics in the land. Pathetic!”

A deep look of concentration welled up on Azimoth’s face, as he tightly closed his eyes. His body was tense, as beads of sweat formed on his forehead and brow. An emerald green sphere the size of a skull formed between his palms, as he slowly raised his hands above his head. The sphere crackled and snapped with electric energy as he slowly lowered his hands to chest level. Powerfully thrusting his arms forward, the magic sphere left his hands with a stream of green fire trailing behind it. Immediately after the energy left his hands it began to grow. It continued to grow until it was the size of the chamber, then with a thunderous clap, all of the air was forced out of the chamber as a vacuum was created. The blue energy surrounding the stone imploded in on itself with a concussive boom. The murder holes fired. Iron bolts left their homes with a murderous intent. As if defying nature, the bolts stopped in mid-air, turned to slag and then fell to the floor harmlessly.

Azimoth’s eyes snapped open and a smile stretched across his face. A guttural laugh erupted from him so evil, it would have sent chills down even the most evil of demons. With a flick of his wrist, the stone leapt off the pedestal, crossed the chamber and stopped in his hand. The stone was warm to the touch and approximately the size of a human fist, shaped like a teardrop, with thousands of facets cut into it. I was the color of blood. Crimson. Azimoth examined the stone, and then placed it in his belt pouch. Tightening the leather cord, he checked the contents one last time ensuring its safety. Once again a smile cracked his wicked face, as he turned and disappeared down the dark corridor.


:confused:

Ilnaulro
January 13th, 2004, 11:19 AM
Hello Artistic Wizard. Had a wee look and some thoughts.

1. Check your use of apostrophe for its and it's, where the apostrophe is used for "it has" or "it is" and its = belonging to.

2. Cannot quite see the chamber in my mind's eye. You started to describe it and then the description faded a bit when talking to walkways etc...

3. A common thing you will notice in a lot of writing is who often the other senses are ignored. What does the chamber smell like? How does it make him feel? (If it is so old, think of how you feel when you walk into a massine old cathedral). What can he hear?

4. "...the color of blood. Crimson..." Um, I know the colour of blood ;)

5. Clearly you want this chap to be seen as an evil character (though perhaps you overuse the word "evil" to make your point) so you chould consider the old idea of "show, not tell" - What I mean is, it is well and good to tell us he is evil, but he has done nothing to show us he is. I think most folk would agree that nasty characters are far more scary and believable if you flesh them out with motivations, flaws, loves and hates just like you would your good guys.

It seems a confident start, and I hope some of this helps but it is hard to read too much into a short piece of work.
Remember, we write because we must!

:)

Dawnstorm
January 13th, 2004, 01:53 PM
Originally posted by Artistic Wizard
unguarded and safe

:confused:

I was expecting that to be explained. Why would it be unguarded if it's an important relic? Why would it be safe, even though unguarded?

Perhaps that's explained later on?

Artistic Wizard
January 16th, 2004, 11:37 AM
Thanks for the great feedback. I'll definately work on those points. I'm thankful for the comments.;)

Azimoth
January 21st, 2007, 05:11 AM
Hello Artistic Wizard

Interesting that you portray Azimoth as evil.I am a bizarre magician(uk) and my principal character( Azimoth) is also evil.
Will check back here to see how his character and the story pans out.pm me if you`d like to discuss our thoughts on azimoth.:)

Ariana
July 8th, 2008, 03:07 PM
Great story idea!
I sent you an IM! :D
Hugs:p
Ariana